BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I found this site because my partner was idealizing and devaluing regularly me and I didn't understand what was happening. I became suicidal eventually and started looking for information. I read about BPD and began to understand what was going on. In reading I realized that I have a lot of the same traits myself of this disorder myself. When I was a teen I behaved in much the same way as my partner has recently. I used to idealize and devalue too, I was bulimic, had a history of physical abuse and was reactive and agressive when criticized. I would react to any perceived threat to my self with a full scale offensive that drove people away and frightened them. I was terrified of being alone and fighting to be loved and valued was my way of coping with my huge feelings of fear and emptiness.
I was never diagnosed as anything, I took myself to councilling because I felt I was not fitting in, no matter how hard I tried I always ended up reacting at some point and scaring people. I have improved over the years and had councilling to help me to fit in better socially and to learn to see things not as black and white. I am now better at being able to see the grey and to not think I know what people are thinking.
I am 37 now and I no longer see people as all bad or all good. I am however still very scared of being confronted and "made bad" it triggers me into big angry feelings, though I no longer act out those feelings I struggle to get them in perspective when someone challenges me about "my stuff" Just reading the "my stuff" thing and the "being called" thing gave me feelings of anxiety and a knowing that when that happens I close down inside and become internally raging and hyper defensive. I am not sure how to get past this as I want to learn and to grow and to feel better inside, but I am afraid that when I am confronted or challenged I will blow it with an angry intellectual reaction and attack people with logic to prove myself "good" or flare up and get banned when my logic is taken to bits, which is not what I want. So I would like to ask for some help regarding that.

When my partner devalued me in the relationship I would react with anger and hurt and anxiety, in my mind he was making me "bad" and "withdrawing his love and with it my value as a person" This created the inner collapse and suicidal feelings that I have been experiencing. I loved him very much, our break up has been hard on both of us, it was me that chose to withdraw as I could see that our pattern was spiralling us both down into serious mental disorder. We are both intelligent and hyper aware, we are both high functioning and can hold down jobs and keep friendships. We both tend to carry the burden of our feelings internally. I don't eat when I am in emotional pain and I have fantasies of it all ending.

I am currently very socially isolated and have cut myself off from my friends as I am feeling that I have failed both my loved one and myself, I feel ashamed to have lost my grip and my ability to function properly. i feel helpless at the moment and self harming features a lot in my thinking due to the amount of emotional pain I am feeling due to the separation. I have huge feelings of anger that I was unable to save a relationship with someone that I love so so much. I am in pain because he is gone and because being loved and loving are somehow for me a major source of emotional comfort. i struggle when single to maintain my sense of comfort, when I am in a relationship I feel warmer and less vulnerable to the emptiness that threatens to swallow me at times. Physical touch reminds me that I am here in existence with others not just here alone with only myself.

My partner and I fell in love very quickly and with a huge emotional intensity, I was scared of being absorbed into him and I tried to create some space for myself, I find I need that space in order to know that I exist, this led to him fearing abandonment and the cycle began. We went around and around in confusion, neither of us understanding what the hell was happening, it seemed like madness and all the time we had a huge love and were both trying our best to understand why we were failing so spectacularly to stay on an even keel.

I am in councilling but I don't think my councillor realsises the extent or depth of my emotional problems, because I am high functioning I have learned to exist outwardly at a very shallow place, I don't let people in to see the sheer scale of how bad I feel at times. i am able to sit and discuss my depression and cry about my family of origin issues and talk about what happened, but what I can't do is allow her to see the vast black pit of despair that is always on the edge of my consciousness. I keep it quite far away from myself, I think the depressiona and suicidal feelings I have right now is because my interractions with my partner, who I still love very much have brought me to a place of confrontation with something that I have been actively trying to avoid for many years, my own patched up not very good, (but working enough to let me interract with others and not hurt them). mental state.

I am really good at hiding what I truly feel from people and presenting as calm and well balanced. I don't act out on people anymore, unless I feel grievously threatened, ie physically or hectically verbally challenged, instead now, I have it all held inside. Today I told three friends about my isolation and asked them if they can offer any support, they all have worked through some of the issues that I have and are not people who will recoil from me or be unkind. It was a big step for me to get to this place today. But I have reached a very dangerous place mentally and realise that I am emotionally very fragile if not ina pretty dangerous place. I am scared, I hope this forum can help me.

frangipani, welcome. Many of us here can identify 100% with your story. I get what you mean about being "made bad" and how extremely upsetting that is.

There are excellent tools here that can help you find balance -- see the Tools box on the right side of the page.

Peace,
jim

Hi and

I agree with Jim-- we can relate to what you are talking about.

It sounds to me as if you are taking some crucial first steps in solving this situation. Bravo for that! I, too, am really quite experienced hiding my true emotions, especially from my T's......but I found I didn't really, truly get 'rid' of those dark feelings until I allowed them to flow.

Try to begin working the tools, they will help. Oh, and I'm very glad you are here!

Welcome to the board! I have any idea for you. You say you can't explain the depths of your despair to your T, yet you described it well in this post. Can you print this out and show it to her? Often I found that I could share with my T better through writing than talking to her first. She can help you more if you "let her in".

You began the process of letting people in by confiding in your friends. You're fortunate to have good friends you trust. I know how important friends can be when we are lonely.

frangipani,

Welcome!

Smokey