Another new (and confused) person....

feeling_uncertain · **Joined:** Sun Mar 15, 2009 2:44 pm **Posts:** 2

Hi Everyone

I am a woman who is turning 27 (end of March) and I live in Alberta Canada. I was diagnosed with Lupus (aka SLE) in Nov 2001 and now have severe Osteoporosis as well because of the steroids I have to take for my Lupus. I am in constant physical pain from these illnesses. I now feel like I am in constant emotional pain too.

I have a lot going on inside and outside of my head... I am pretty sure that I have BPD especially after reading all the posts and all sorts of books and info from web sites. It was actually my mom who brought BPD up to me. My parents are 100% positive that I had Reactive Attachment Disorder as a child as I was adopted. I fought them tooth and nail whenever they brought up seeing a "shrink" or anything like that. I was a very abusive child, looking back. It hurts that I was that bad and it hurts a LOT now thinking that I have this. When I brought up my fear of being BPD to my psychologist and my gp (aka family doctor), they both thought that it really does fit. I asked to have formal testing done and am waiting on that.

They say there is no more stigmas attached to "mental illness" however I disagree completely. I am really confused and scared about being diagnosed with a personality disorder. Here at the hospital where I end up often due to my Lupus, I have seen how they treat you differently if you have some sort of mental illness even if it's on top of a "physical" illness, like on top of your Lupus - they treat you like poop. However with just Lupus (and my old diagnosis of clinical depression), they treat me like gold! I am so worried that I will be treated like poop and that they will ignore my Lupus and I will end up dead from it. (My Lupus is very aggressive and severe and I have had to be resuscitated 2 times from it already- one of the times was because the doctors wouldn't listen to me because they thought my illness was all in my head (This was before I was diagnosed with Lupus) I ended up bleeding out in my lungs and flat-lining. All because they thought I was crazy!!!)!
Having Lupus has been very hard on me emotionally as well as taking a huge toll on myself, my life and my psyche.

I was pretty depressed until I got my service dog but she's definitely helping with that. Now, however, as I am looking more and more at who I am personality-wise especially, and work with my psychologist it (BPD) has come up and it fits. I have more than 5 of those criteria :sadshake

.
Pretty much the only one I don't have is the self mutilation/suicidal behavior- although I did try to attempt suicide at 17 but I think it was more of a cry for help (I was in an abusive relationship) and I have had the "craving" to do something like cut but am too chicken to actually ever do it (Which I guess is a good thing...). My 2 worst ones are 1) I have had and still have huge body image issues... I was anorexic as a teen and am having a very hard time now because I am fat now because of the medications that saved my life with the Lupus stuff and the worst one IMO is 2) the rage and unstable moods. It feels like I am ALWAYS angry.

I don't like who I am nor do I like my life. In fact I hate both.

Despite all, of my fears and hang-ups, I feel like I desperately NEED help. I NEED to change. I can't stay like this forever. I really want to feel more "normal" and find a husband and have a family. I have a huge fear of living alone my whole life with no one to love or to love me.

Right now, I have my parents. They are all I have and I am deathly afraid of losing them. I don't feel like I could live without them and their help. I am so dependent on them now (I hate being so dependent!!!). But I still treat them horribly. Some days, I LOVE them... then something happens and I absolutely HATE them. Then I love them again...

I am at the point where I would do almost anything to be like my friends and peers, and have a life like theirs!!!! I asked my psychologist to help me get into DBT.
I don't know a lot about DBT but my mom told me it is the best hope for people with BPD. What do you all think? Are any of you doing the DBT? Does it really help? What else helps?
I am desperate to feel better/"normal"- to actually feel good. To someday feel what it's like to be happy.
I am extremely isolated now. I haven't been able to attend school or work since November 2001 and I live in the city now (I grew up in BC- 4 hours from here) so I have like one friend. She has her own issues including Schizophrenia and bipolar.
That is why I looked around until I found this site. I am hoping that by talking to others who have similar problems and especially you who are already in treatment or who have done treatment, that I will learn more and feel a bit better.
Sorry to drop all of this onto you as my introduction to myself. I have a feeling that you will be able to understand a lot of my feelings, from reading other posts. I definitely relate a LOT to so many of you already, just from reading what you wrote.
:noob

Sari · **Joined:** Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:00 pm **Posts:** 1059

Hi uncertain, and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us.

As a (no longer working) RN, I know a bit about lupus, and the effects of steroids, and I'm sorry that you're suffering so. I also have fairly severe osteoporosis, in my case because of a parathyroid tumor, so I can relate to that as well. It's no fun being in pain all the time, either emotionally or physically.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, as far as seeing doctors and psychologists and pushing for the correct diagnosis and treatment. I have not done DBT, though several here have, I think, and many find it helpful. There are DBT workbooks available that you can buy in bookstores (including online), and I know there's at least one online DBT group out there somewhere, though the person who used to talk about that here is no longer active at this community. But if getting to a DBT class is difficult for you, those are options you could try out. A lot of the concepts from DBT are used elsewhere, even if the setting is not called DBT.

I'm glad your parents are sticking with you, despite the problems you've had with each other over the years. I'm sure it's been very hard for all of you. (I hope you are able to tell them you appreciate them -- if not love them -- from time to time, especially since they're still the objects of your anger sometimes.) And it's great that you got a service dog. I know that can help a lot, not only with the physical things it can do for you, but also with the affection and trust you have for each other. Dogs are wonderful that way!

I'm wondering if, assuming that you do get an official diagnosis of BPD, that would have to show up on your history when you are admitted to the hospital for treatment for your lupus. See if they can't just leave the depression stuff in there and leave out the BPD. It's not something they really need to know about. If you were being admitted to the Psych unit, that would be different, but on a medical floor, it seems irrelevant to me.

I'm no psychologist, for sure, but for me, it seems like anger usually comes from something else. If, when I feel angry, I try to look beyond it, there is something else going on. I'm feeling lonely, or abandoned, or invalidated, or rejected, or *something* that is resulting in my feeling angry. I'm angry because... It can help me to try to look for the root feeling that has gotten me so angry, then see if I can work on fixing that problem. There's a link in the box on the left titled "Tools" for "feelings and moods" -- have a look in there and see if you can sort out some of the things that get you to feeling angry all the time. And then read the other Tools for some great ideas on sorting out your feelings and behavior, so you can aim at getting healthier and happier. Getting over BPD isn't easy, let's be honest, but it is doable with some persistence and dedication.

I hope things get better for you soon.

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