BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi. I'm so happy to have found this site. I've been in therapy with the same psychiatrist for 6 years now and I've come a long way....but this year has been awful. I'm still trying to hang on to my teaching career....I've worked in several different districts with the same reviews....namely that I'm an excellent teacher.....I deliver my lessons well, I have excellent rapport with students, etc....(in my own classroom when I'm in charge)....but when I leave my classroom and interact with other teachers I offend, insult, etc.... and often times I'm clueless as to how I did it again. Eventually I get frustrated and tell someone what I really think and then they have reason to be offended by me and I somehow feel as though I've regained control because then I understand why they don't like me. The problem is......of course....I don't get along with others and so I'm not welcome anymore.

I've got 2 children to take care of....but my older one...my son (age 14) has gone to live with his dad this year. That was heartbreaking for me but I remained rational...I know it is good for him and for his father. They need the time together and both are benefitting from it. But after that, my ex tried to get my daughter to live with him (she's 11) and that really messed with my head and hers. It has been an awful 6 months in that regard....in and out of court....paying a lawyer so that now I have no extra $ at all.....and being terribly confused about what the right thing to do is.

So now I'm looking at: losing my job at the end of this school year and not knowing what to do about my daughter. She is very close to me....has been abandoned by dad.....loves dad but feels unwanted by him a lot....and has a nervous makeup that is just like mine....when she was born my mother said "ugh....she's just like you!"....(which means she's also like my mother, my grandmother, etc....who have all had anxiety issues throughout life).

I really really want to take this opportunity to tackle this BPD now. I don't want to live a life like this anymore.

Hi skiotter, and welcome.

You've got some major stuff going on in your life, between work and your family.

It's good that you have a good relationship with your psychiatrist (a psychiatrist who also does therapy -- rather than just diagnosis and drug management -- is a rare bird these days!) and that you feel he's helped you, but I'm concerned that you are still having so much trouble with your co-workers, and keep repeating a pattern of progressive alienation without being able to see what's happening and stop it before it results in job loss for you. Can he not help you get some insight into what's happening when you "offend or insult," so you're not "clueless as to how you did it again"?

I know it's sometimes really hard to really see what your relationship with co-workers is. When I was still working, I thought I got along well with most of my co-workers. I didn't socialize with them outside of work too much, but I still thought we were friendly. Then when I had a total breakdown at work, and my leave of absence stretched out until I was hospitalized for depression and ultimately was let go from my job, not a single person ever called me, wrote me a note or a card, visited me in the hospital, or anything. It's made me really question myself and wonder what I was doing wrong all those years. I still don't know. I don't know if I'll ever get back to work, and if I do it will be in different circumstances (I don't see myself getting back to my previous line of work), but I would like to understand what it was about me that made it so easy for people who I thought were friends to cut me off so totally.

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on about myself like that, but I guess your work problems struck a chord with me.

I don't know what to tell you about your daughter -- that's a tough situation. I was lucky in that my own divorce -- shortly after the meltdown and job loss and hospitalization -- came when my kids were a little older and custody wasn't ever an issue. I think had they been younger, there's a good chance they'd have ended up with my ex, and that would have broken my heart in a lot of ways. I think that even though your daughter is only 11, she should have some say in terms of which parent she lives with. On the other hand, if she feels that he hasn't wanted her in the past but now he wants more contact, maybe she should be encouraged to overcome her anxiety and get to know him a bit better, at least on a short-term basis. It's just sad when it all ends up in the courts and decisions are made by attorneys and judges who don't know you or your child all that well, not to mention the expense of it all.

Check out our "Tools" (in the box on the left) for some of the ways a lot of us here have helped ourselves straighten out our thinking and behavior. Maybe they will help you as well -

Glad you found us!

Thanks for responding Sari. I don't mind at all that you talked about yourself!! It is nice to hear that I'm not alone in that feeling and situation with co-workers.

I am a bit concerned myself about my lack of self-understanding after 6 years of therapy. I had hoped to be better off by now and have tried really hard to work with her (my dr.) all of these years. It is hard to think that maybe she hasn't been providing the best therapy for me...but the thought has crossed my mind. I feel somewhat attached to her and scared to leave her support. On the other hand...I don't think that a dr. or therapist is really supposed to make the client feel dependent over time...rather the inverse. So...again I'm concerned but also scared to leave her...because then I wonder if maybe that's just how bad I am that it has taken me 6 years to get to the point that I can reach out to other people....

I'm definitely in a difficult place right now. I'm trying to just keep some semblance fo peace. A part of me wants my daughter to go live with her dad and brother....if only for a year.....so that I can try to put the pieces together without affecting her life too much. On the other hand...I'm afraid that she'll feel rejected, hurt, etc.....and or she'll never come back to me. Maybe that is just silly.....I don't know. I'm very confused.

Thanks for suggesting that I check out the "tools"....I will....and I've also bought a book....by Gina Fusco and Arthur Freeman that is like a workbook for "taking control" of BPD. I figure that in the end I'm gonna have to heal myself.....so I better start working harder now.

Can you have a frank conversation with your psychiatrist (often shortened around here to pdoc) about your work problems, in terms of "I feel like I've been working on this for a long time, and I'm frustrated because I haven't made more progress"? Maybe review the strategies you have tried (assuming there are some), and then brainstorm new ones. If she is defensive, or blames you, or otherwise stonewalls you, then maybe it's time to look elsewhere for help.

It can be really hard to change therapists. Quite a few people here have had seriously tough times with dependency on their T's. I recently had to start with a new psychiatrist when my old one retired, and I've done OK so far with that, but it would be much more difficult for me to lose my T. It's not so much that I'm dependent on her, and I'm sure I would survive in the long run, but I trust her, she's the first person in my long life who ever really listened to me and heard me and understood how seriously in pain I was, and I don't feel ready to let go of the relationship yet. But if I felt that I was spinning my wheels with her, I would definitely have to think about leaving. Therapy is too expensive to waste the little money I have if I'm not being helped. So you need to do an honest assessment of whether your pdoc is holding you back in some way. If she's helping in most areas but just not with that one issue -- your workplace issues -- then maybe by concentrating on that for a bit and really trying to tease apart what it is that leads to say or do things that are interpreted by your co-workers as offensive might lead to some progress for you.

As for your daughter, could she maybe go and spend some of the upcoming summer vacation with her Dad, without your having to commit to a full year or formal change in custody? Maybe that would be less threatening to both of you, if it were for a shorter interval. You might be able to do some good work on yourself in that time, at least enough to give you a good basis for further progress after she came home. You're right that if she goes for a full year, it's more of a crapshoot in terms of the future. I doubt that she'd feel you had abandoned her if this was something you had fully prepared her for in advance over the next few months. I'm sure she'd still love you. But she might bond with her father more than she has before now, and things would surely be different when she came back to you no matter how it went. I'd also, if you did decide to let her go to her Dad's for a full year, be cautious about saying much to him (or to your kids, since they might let it slip) that you were agreeing to this to "work on your mental health," since that's something he could use against you if he wanted to try for permanent custody of both your children. I don't know what he knows about your mental health, how it played into your separation, what your current relationship is, or any of that -- obviously -- but if that's an issue, talk it all over with your attorney beforehand. I know you mentioned being sick of paying lawyers, but sometimes it's money well spent.

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! And that is what we are all here for! WELCOME!!

thanks not a monster....what a cool name!!!

So....step one....this week...I've decided to tackle the 4 agreements. The 5 steps are great but I think my problems lie more in the 4 agreements.....learning not to take things personally and to not make assumptions. Those are the 2 that stick in my mind. It's really hard for me to do that on a consistent basis. I'll be going along just fine for a while and then I get stressed or distracted with something in my life and I let my guard down and start to act like my "self" or the self I don't want to be. The problem is that I remember everything from the earlier times when....whatever it is.....didn't affect me (I handled it well)......and the memories all become a big blur and I get sort of paranoid and think it was all intentional and then I need to use the 5 steps. Does that make sense? Does anyone else feel like that here?

The other thing I've been wondering about is this impression I have that a lot of recovery means becoming "normal". I know that I definitely want to be able to get along with people and behave in a "normal" adult fashion.....but I wonder if it is really possible for me. I feel like I'm just really a weird person. Even my daughter lovingly tells me I'm weird. I don't know how much of that is my bpd or my real personality.

Also....another thing I'm struggling with and think maybe others here have too....is that i feel like I have to be 100% on guard and "perfect"......but of course I'm not and I can never be......as we all know. What I mean to say isn't just that I have to look and be perfect....but that it seems to me that people are more forgiving with others than they are with me. I honestly don't get that. Has anyone else here felt that or experienced that? Has anyone got insight as to why it seems that way....etc....

Again, I have to say, I'm really happy to have found this site.....I've read a lot here....on the forums....and I'm amazed at how familiar so much of it sounds to me. Thanks to you.....for reading my post.

Sounds like you are off to a good start, Skiotter!
The agreements and the five steps will be very helpful to you. And yes, you will find yourself doing the same thing over and over again - starting over many times. It is the nature of our disorder. The steps and agreements are not there to do once then move on - they are tools to use for life.
Yes I feel the "need to get better so I can feel more normal" thing too.
Yes I feel that people "judge" me.
Again those are part of the BPD. It is our messed up, BPD perception of the world - not necessarily reality!
Keep working at it - you will be fine

Hi Skiotter!

Yes, I can also identify with some of what it seems you are expressing. Let me give you my take on what you said:

I think it's great to be 'weird' and not necessarily 'normal' -- what is that anyway? I don't think recovery's goal is to make you or anyone else 'normal' per se, just develop better coping mechanisms. You can still have your individuality-- in fact, I believe that helps you. I do think this is possible for you because by my definition, healthy happy living includes (for some) being 'weird'. That's part of who you are and I wouldn't think learning to cope better would take anything away from that.

That said.....if your 'weirdness' involves your maladaptive coping....maybe some of that will change with recovery but my guess is the change will be one that you like and agree with. Remember all of this is just a matter of degree......the degree of which we express our emotions with BPD is what makes it 'not normal'. The emotions, and really IMO some of the expression, is entirely within the scope of the variation of human personality. It's going to be entirely up to you to decide what's going too far away from who you define yourself to be and what's a bit more doable. That's a big part of why recovery has helped me so very much-- I finally have a sense of self. I'm not a robot, I'm still me, just happier.


I think that feeling that everything you do has to be perfect is very common-- among normals and BPD-ers alike. However, I believe that it is one of the things that holds us back. There is no perfect, as you know, so aspiring to be so only sets us up for failure. Learning to see the grey in situations (not all good or all bad, maybe somewhere in the middle) may help you with this feeling.

I've also felt as you do that other people are more forgiving with others......but it really wasn't true. It was only my perception of things, not reality. Part of all this for me has been really learning who I am and what my values are outside of others. Once I began to do that....it just doesn't matter so much what another person's expectations of me are-- I have my own expectations. I obviously still care a bit what others, expecially my family and close friends, think of me....it's just not such a 'must' as it used to be. I find the people who love me accept me for who I am, warts and all. And of course I fall shy of my own expectations at times (I'm human!!)....but with a bit of recovery on my belt it's easier to get back on track.

I've also found that when some of my maladaptive coping mechanisms were ironed out, I simply didn't let anyone down as much anymore. It's not that I'm perfect or anyone expects me to be.....but....well.....when I was full-on BPD, I did hurt a lot of people routinely. I continued to make the same mistakes over and over. All people were really asking of me was that I quit hurting myself and others with my emotional outbursts and despair-- that's not really asking too much if you ask me. When I quit making silly daily mistakes, people were much more forgiving of the mistakes I will always make-- they are less frequent. If you had to forgive somebody something all the time, I'd bet you would get sick and tired of doing so too-- it's frustrating for anyone. I don't think it's that they expected More from me, I think they just expected me to learn from my mistakes.

I think too that the feeling of constantly having to 'brace' is a problem that begets problems in and of itself. If I'm constantly expecting the judgment of others, I get it. If, on the other hand, I'm guided by my own sense of right and wrong, my own personality, then others accept that more easily as well. It's sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Hope that helps you sort some of this stuff out for yourself. Welcome to recovery!

It is so interesting and comforting to "meet" people who "get it"!! Wow.

You know though.....it is sooooo hard to work through all of this. It takes constant self talk. I've been saying for a while that I just wish I could take a year off from ....life...you know.....just slow everything down to super slow motion so that I could process the interactions I have with others, plan them better, make plans for the future easier....etc.....

Two things I realized today....

1. I have always tried to be in control of everything around me. People sense that and it makes them feel threatened by me even before I do anything. I need to change that now.
2. I have always sought constant feedback from others. I find it nearly impossible to think of being OK in the world just doing what I know and believe is correct.....even if it goes against the majority. At the same time...I think that's a pathetic position to be in.....and so that's probably why I never talk about it or admitted it before....

I hope you are feeling well today. This feels like I'm "blogging"....is that OK to do? I've never "blogged" before....but in this forum I feel sort of safe and like maybe by sharing my struggles I'll potentially help others too........??

I feel like that a lot, lol. My posts tend to be way too long (with too much punctuation too!)...... but I can't seem to condense it. I think you are doing great; keep it up. Those problems won't just go away, they can't be avoided in my experience.......although taking a year off does sound nice......

This is a safe place. Feel free to express yourself, just know your liable to get feedback!


Nail. On. The. Head. It's also tricky (for me at least) to get the helpful kind of self-talk.....my natural tendency is more of a doomsday-sky-is-crashing scenario.

(And yeah, if you were asking me, I am having a good day-- very good in fact )

Yay!!! Good to hear. May it go on and on and on......