Hi,
Not sure if this is the right place to put it..
I've had very abusive parents.. met my now wife online back then (right after a major crisis with my abusive mother), we have 2 kids together. Though it felt like "she was THE ONE" (I had never felt about anyone like this before, it was scary..) I always noticed myself hurting her emotionally and verbally, calling her stupid, fat, lose some weight already, you don't deserve to be with me, over little mistakes. And it would always end up in a lot of tears on her part and every time I "got her back" again. At some point she called me one night saying she had been with another man, that's when I had a panic attack and a few days later she said she'd stay with the guy.. so I ACTED like I was going to kill myself with a gun and got her back that way. She ended up visiting.. and we figured out where we wanted to go live together and here I am. Our relationship had been wacky for 7 years, more and more often tears from her side and more and more worries, fear, anxiety and anger from my part. Fears like she'll cheat on me again, she won't be faithful (a couple different incidents were discovered that made me trust her less, but they had happened back then around the time with the other guy), etc.. I felt like I couldn't trust her decisions as she was rather good with spending money too.. we were heavily involved in debt and bankruptcy as well.. she would even go as far as buying a vehicle without my knowledge/approval.
One night I was looking for a weblink on the laptop when I noticed that she was actually searching for divorce advise on the internet. This got me all suspicious and I started digging in.. found a webpost of her asking people on how to get a divorce when kids are involved and that I am abusive.. how to get me out of there etc. This is when I had a panic attack.. and things were starting to scratch the surface. I noticed I had anger issues.. I was verbally abusive.. so I got into counselling.. and my yelling/name calling dead stopped. However.. she wanted to get into nursing because our son ended up in the hospital.. this was her dream she wanted to follow.. I never really knew how much that would cost. Again we are involved in heavy debt and she wanted to lay another big chunk on top of that so fear kicked in again.. she wanted to use part of the money she got from a school loan to help pay for the debt (that's illegal) so I started getting paranoid. I didn't want her to stop going to school, I wanted her to wait a year until we could pay this debt off and then she could do school.. I had asked her to provide me with the budget sheet she supposedly had.. even took a day off work for that, she never talked about it/presented it. On the morning where the deadline for school cancellation was I questioned her and she started freaking out and crying.. telling me that she's going to work and there would be no way to talk about the issue at hand.
She left the house.. and this is when I sent her an email, calmly stating that I would not support her decision to go to school as she didn't even bother to think about talking to me about it again (afterall.. I pay for this too). She then made an appointment with her counsellor for the same day as she was a nervous wreck.. this is when I got really disappointed and sent her another email.. asking how is it that when it comes to her own advantage she manages to pull it off to take time off work and when all I wanted was a 10 minute discussion she couldn't do it because she had to work.
She came home that day and was a completely different person. She said she's not dropping out of school (I was actually glad to hear that but still disappointed). I wanted to touch her and this is when she got seriously defensive.. "DO NOT TOUCH ME" and trying to "put me in my place". Her friend supposedly has narcisstic father.. and supposedly many signs of a narcissist match with me... so I started getting my "treatment".
All these years I was presenting to be someone who I wasn't. I'm not a badass and made everyone believe I was. I would exaggerate and dramatize. I would guilt certain people into buying/doing things for me. I would lie a lot. I would stretch the truth big time. Sometimes but not often I would do things for people expecting something materialistic in return but mostly I loved helping people in need but just expect a "thank you".
So I told her about my fears.. my self esteem issues, my worries, the way my heart starts racing when I get into a confrontation, how I can't take criticism and get easily offended at times (as in, hurt).. that I was afraid that when the "truth" came out she would leave me. She replied that it sounds like Borderline Personality Order to her.
I started my research as the whole thing really got me freaked out, including her behaviour. Based on my studies she's been doing the "Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personality" method step by step effectively:
Quote:
Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.
- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.
- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".
- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.
- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.
- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.
Ending the Relationship
- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Borderline" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
- If "The Borderline" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.
- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Borderline" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
- "The Borderline" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Borderline" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Borderline" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Borderline" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Borderline" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Borderline" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.
My psychogolist diagnosed me with "DSM 4 - Adjustment Disorder With Mixed Anxiety and Depressed Mood". She got angry when she heard that as supposedly that "condition" shouldn't last longer than 3 years.. and this has been going on for 7 years.
Yes, I've finally seen the light, I'm seeking meds from a psychiatrist (long waiting list..), talking to a psychologist and doing things for myself, not to directly please others.. such as the Sedona method, luckily a friend of mine who I confessed my "sins" to is a coach. But it's so exhausting.. I know I love her so much but she states that "I'm sure that you _believe_ that you love me". I just know I do. She also states that I am terrified of being alone which is supposedly part of a BPD red flag..
No matter what I do there seems to be an excuse for it. I realize I haven't done anything around the house.. so I started cleaning on my own.. putting away laundry, work around the house, etc. by myself. But according to these resources, a BPD does this when he's desperate because he wants to suck the other person (co-dependent) back in. I try to give her space and keep coming back to her cause I miss her so much, another BPD thing. I decide to just leave her all alone but now that's considered the silent treatment. I try to make her feel better and show my appreciation.. bring her coffee.. fix food for her.. rub her back and feet.. now that's considered manipulation by these resources.
Can a uBPD do ANYTHING right? What the heck are 'we' supposed to do... anyway.. today I threw the towel in. I can't take this anymore. She's there and I'm longing to touch her and make her feel good, I'm realizing what I've done. I'm not blaming myself completely on how things happened. I know it's not all my fault, but I do know I've caused the majority of tears and hurt. I can't fight this battle no more. It's so exhausting. She says she doesn't know what she wants, she needs to work on herself and I respect that. But then on the other hand, look at the resources.. on how to leave a BPD (or rather... MAKE them leave).
I'm not here to look for a stamp to put on the back of my head and say, yeah, this is the disorder I have. All I know is I have some serious issues and just _slowly_ getting them under control but this seems to be a never ending battle because a BPD supposedly can't ever do anything right. "Stay away. They'll never change. They'll make you feel guilty and suck you back in. Get out - stay out, etc.", very motivating, really.
So I gave up today.. I understand and accept that I cannot change her mind.. I cannot control what's going on in her head and I cannot force her to love someone she doesn't love anymore. The thing that sucks is that I can't just move right out as money is tight and we have 2 kids plus she's going to school. I've been sleeping in the basement instead and offered her today that I'll stay there as much as possible.. and will try to keep verbal "confrontations" to an absolute minimum. She actually had a lot to say for a change when I brought up divorce.. looks like she thoroughly had studied it and stated that she'd get screwed if we did a divorce because of the money situation.
I am not leaving my family stranded. I have 2 kids and a wife. I am working on my inner self but I'll also have to try to give up and "forget" her.. I can't keep longing for this warm feeling I have in my heart about her, knowing that almost guaranteed I'll never to get feel that way again with her.
The least I can do is at least stay down here, keep cost down and help with bills, etc.. maybe for a few years until she gets her degree so she can stay on her own with the kids somewhere.. or if a guy walks into her life and he can help them out.. seriously hurts to have that thought.. it kills me.. but it is what it is and I accept the things I cannot change (her feelings/decisions) and change the things I can (not myself but the decisions I make in life).
Congratulations resource book, your advise worked, the BPD is slowly getting out, but am I BPD? Who knows. My wife seems absolutely convinced I am. Either way I know I'll still love her if/when we split up... Most likely too late to save the marriage but luckily not too late to help myself..
I know this may sound harsh.. but I am sort of glad all this happened. Yes it wrecked havoc in the long run.. and I am slowly losing something that I sincerely love.. but I also discovered something that I was too blind to see all these years.
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