BPDRecovery.com: Forums

greetings one and all,

i am a mom to a 13yr. old girl dx with bpd. her current therapist dx her almost one year ago. we as a family have made great strides together as we learn about her disorders (she has also been dx w/major depressive disorder and oppositional defiant disorder). i read and try to put into practice all that i can in an effort to present my daughter with opportunities to grow and learn. so far i haven't found any resource that can help me learn how to teach her personal responsibility. i am hoping that getting to know you all here who have accepted yourselves as you are and are taking responsibility for your own mental and emotional help will give me a clue on how to reach her. i must admit that i have a difficult time understanding how/why she thinks as she does. i hope to get the insight i need to be able to have a closer relationship with her. perhaps then she can trust me more.

she is my only child and i love her with all my heart bpd or no bpd! she is a bright and beatiful girl with a bright future ahead of her if she chooses.

thanks for letting me be a small part of your lives.

lbjnltx

Greetings and a hearty WELCOME to you!!

It doesn't usually take this long to get a response from the Welcome Wagon section. I'm sorry that you had to wait for it, but I applaud you being here, trying to help you daughter. I do think this site and the people on it can help you in your endeavor, so you're in the right place!

I don't have any children (yet-- I'm trying!), so please let me preface this response to you with that. But.....I do remember what it's like to be a child of 13 and have BPD (although I wasn't diagnosed until my 30's!). I'm not sure if I even have any words of wisdom for you......but I do know that if you go through the past posts on this board you will find a wealth of information. Also, the Tools (in the toolbox on your upper left screen) as well as the homepage (and all the links therein) can help you to understand what your D might me going through-- at least to the extent that anyone can understand anyone else's reality.

Ok, caveat given. Now.....I have found this Personal Accountability Model to be extremely helpful to me in my journey toward recovery. For so long I was firmly 'stuck' in the victim cycle-- where anything and everything that happened to me was absolutely NOT my fault and most times I didn't even understand how things would get so out of hand. I had to learn that other people didn't "make" me feel anything at all-- every emotion I have is a choice that I have the ability to make. Learning that idea of 'choice' in all things was also extremely helpful to me-- still is. I think the PAM (and actually explaining to her where you see her in that cycle and how she can get herself out of it, over and over and over again) and the idea of choice itself will help you to form your own ways of teaching your daughter personal responsibility.

I also think that having good boundaries--- and effectively and consistently communicating those boundaries ad nauseum-- will help her to help herself. Boundaries build that trust you are seeking, IMO, that stability where she knows that no matter what, you are going to be in this thing with her. In the end.....it really must be HER that helps herself, though I agree that as a parent you can certainly point her in good directions. But for a person to change, to really change the way they think and feel about life situations.....well, I guess I'm trying to say that I believe that sort of thing has to come from somewhere within. All you can really do is guide, IMO.

Specifically, the tools called separation of stuff and living by the 4 agreements have both really helped me to learn personal responsibility. The problem was that I just didn't see it as my "fault", or when/if I did that would only make me spiral into self-destruction. I finally had to realize that my thoughts, my actions, my feelings, etc., could shape my own reality-- a very fundamental but entirely new concept to me when I first came to know of my BPD and found this site. I realized that I had the power of choice in all that I do, and with that I realized that I could shape my life into a happy, healthy experience.

I also believe that the way you go about speaking to her about this and really anything related to her mental issues is important. There is no magic formula that I'm aware of (if only!), but using the Socratic Method by which it's not really you telling her how she 'should' or is 'supposed' to be thinking/feeling/acting, but rather a way of showing her and allowing her to come to her own conclusions I think would be really helpful. Frankly, I'm still not very good at it myself (using the SM when communicating to others), but I believe it works.

Okay, that's all for now. I hope I've addressed some of your concerns/questions and that if you have more you won't hesitate to post! Welcome again to BPDR and good luck with your situation. I think it's wonderful for her to have such a loving parent that you would come on-line (and elsewhere) to seek to find solutions to these things. Recovery IS possible, at least it was/is for me and I believe it to be--- but it takes quite a bit of introspection and really learning who you are and being willing to change fundamental reactions......a very difficult thing indeed. She's lucky to have you.

All my best,
Harmonium

thank you harmonium for the awesome reply. i have read some of the links you posted. with me i read first, study second, contemplate third, practice fourth. (new concepts take a long time to sink in i'm afraid because i'm old or worn out....probably both)

when things are good they are really good, and so of course when things are bad they are really bad. thankfully we have mostly good days. i try to focus on the positive and give off positive energy because my d is so very sensitive (always has been, even as an infant). i think the less stressed i am the less stressed she is.

i look forward to learning all i can from all of you.

lbjnltx

Hello there! My step-daughter was 13 when she was dx with bpd (along with major depression, bipolar, and few other things). She was hospitalized after a suicide attempt and then later participated in a partial hospitalization program. When she was first dxd I began my quest of learning all I could. It's how I ended up in this community too. My step-daughter is 22 now and is leading a full very productive and happy life.

A lot of the steps to her recovery were hers to own. She had to go to therapy, she had to take her meds, she had to do the homework, she had to learn the ways to cope. My job at that time was simply to provide her with tools, get her to therapy, help her with her homework, and be available if and when she ever needed someone to lean on or listen to her. The one thing I will tell you is that it's a ride that will have a ton of turbulence but in the end, you'll both survive.

I look forward to getting to know you while you embark on your journey of knowledge.

Nik

thanks for the reply nik,


i think i am pretty far along on the knowledge part of my journey. i am moving into the realm of productive communication. i know most all the tools but am striving for understanding how bpd13 thinks so that i can go to the next level. i am looking for a way to communicate with her so that she may start to understand that she is responsible for helping herself. i know that i can only present opportunities and allow consequences to come her way. it is up to her to take full advantage. to this point she doesn't seem to accept that she needs to do anything differently. she doesn't seem to accept that she is ultimately only hurting herself and the people who love her.

perhaps she just hasn't hit rock bottom yet. i am hoping that her "rock bottom" doesn't have permanent damage attached to it. i am hoping to spare all of us that pain. i'm just hoping!

lbjnltx

I was handed the book "An Unquiet Mind" when my stepdaughter received her dx of bipolar disorder. The person who gave me the book said it would give me a good glimpse into the life of someone with the disorder. The book was written by a psychiatrist who managed her own bipolar and shows the reader the realities of mania and depression, including rapid cycling. While I did have a better appreciation for what the author went through, because I am not experiencing it first-hand, I will never have a grasp on the disorder from the perspective of someone in the trenches. I equate it much like someone going to war. The movie "Saving Private Ryan" was one of the first war-themed movies I've seen that really gave me the perspective of what it could have been like to experience war. But I can't understand the feelings of being in a fox-hole or being hit with a bullet.

The tools I references weren't necessary for knowledge base as much as knowledge of thought process and communication methods. Keep in mind, any 13-year old is going resist what their parent tells them. Especially daughters against their mothers. Part of it is wanting to have control over their own choices, regardless of the consequences. Another piece of it testing the boundaries and dipping toes into the water of independence. You have the added element of your daughter occasionally twisting her thinking and misunderstanding you because her personal filters are a bit askew. I have yet to meet a teenage girl who doesn't think her mother is the worst person on the planet in one breath and in the next breath love her to pieces.

If your daughter is anything like my step-daughter, rock bottom is a long way off. My hope for you is that you can help her avoid rock bottom. Providing her with a lifeline she can grab hold of and stepping back far enough that she has to grab it herself, but being there in the event she slips is really all you can do at this point. Keep encouraging her to go through therapy. Individual therapy is going to be good for her because it allows her a safe place to share her thoughts/feelings/concerns. If you're going to counseling together, she may still feel you're in control (even if you don't say a word and allow her to talk with the therapist freely). She's a teenager and wants independence. She also wants her mother. It's such a fine line to walk. BPD or not.