BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I have been told that I have BPD. I suppose having found lots of information about it, that I believe it may be true. I was in DBT for a while. Someone there used to tell me how comforting she found it to have a "label" for all the crazy stuff that she thought, felt, and did. I, on the other hand, find it disturbing and upsetting. Everything I read about BPD pretty much says that it is all your own fault that you are unhappy. That the only reason that your life sucks is that you choose to make it suck. And if you just stopped making bad decisions you would be just fine. I guess that is probably true; I do make a lot of bad decisions. Since I can't seem to find a way to turn my life around, the idea that it is all my fault that I feel the way I do seems truly hopeless. Maybe I do just choose to be unhappy. If that is so, then I don't think that I will ever be happy, because I don't know what I am supposed to do differently. I think that BPD is one of the most truly degrading and hopeless diagnosis that someone can be given. Yet, still I am trying. Searching for some way that I can turn my life around. Perhaps I will find some advise, skills, or support here that will aid me in that.

GiGi

Hi, and

Some people do find the 'label' comforting. It gives a name to the face, so to speak. A place to start, and it can open up all kinds of treatment. Although I don't believe we need to adhere to the label. A person who abuses alcohol, or someone with a drug problem, is always, and will always be, a person. The behavior does not define them nor is that what they are always destined to do.

There is a saying from a book called "The Angry Heart". It says

We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults. But as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and everything we do and say.

I absolutely believe that we can seize control of our lives. I don't believe in hopelessness. If I did, I wouldn't have been able to get where I am now, and where I can continue to press forward(and know that I will). Neither would many of the folks here. That doesn't go to say that we don't have moments of hopelessness. Every person in the world gets down every now and again. Some of us more often than others, longer than others. Emotions and feelings are fluid. Do you feel today the way you did a week ago? Do you know how you'll feel a week from now?

There are some very good tools here on the left(that aren't currently in working order at the moment, I am not sure if there is maybe a post that has them in it - I have a couple errands to run but when I get back to the PC I will check around and see, if not I have them printed out and can type them up in a post). In the meantime, check out 20 Common Negative Assumptions in BPD Thinking and that whole thread. It's a good sticky. Also The Resource Room has good book recommendations and articles.

I am glad you are still trying! Even if it doesn't seem like a big thing to you, the fact that you are reaching out in an attempt to help yourself shows that hope does exist for you. A lot of recovery work is full of small steps. And those little steps add up.

Looking forward to 'seeing' you around

I found a link to the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking. (Both from the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns), and the Ten Ways to Untwist Your Thinking. Also, The Four Agreements(based on the teachings of don Miguel Ruiz)

And, The Five Steps(which I am copying from the sheet I printed from this site, the tools section on the side - Forgive me for this ginormous post if there was a link to it elsewhere - I never realized how dang handy that toolbox was on the left until I couldn't use it!)

The Five Steps
A cognitive approach to regaining control of our lives.

What are they?

This simply coping technique can save lives and has been shown to be a highly effective form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy(CBT). Please keep in mind that simply knowing what the Five Steps are doesn't mean that your life will change overnight.

* Putting the Five Steps to practical use on a daily basis will take time and practice.

* Don't get upset if you don't or can't master them right away.

* Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again the next time.

One of the most effective ways to learn to incorporate the Five Steps into your list of coping skills is to work the steps in hindsight or retrospectively.

By this, I mean that it's totally understandable that after years - even decades - of learned and practiced Borderline behavior cannot simply be stopped dead in it's tracks by sheer desire. There are years of behaviors to undo first.

Working the steps retrospectively means you will examine a situation that has already occurred and use the Five Steps process as if you were still in the situation.

1. Stop/HALT
Just stop and breath for a moment. Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? The HALT feelings are physically-based and only temporary. Remember that!

2. Determine what the problem is
Sure there can be(and usually ARE) more than just *one* problem but even still, write the problem(s) down on a piece of paper.

3. Come up with THREE possible courses of action.
Start with one of your problems and come up with three(and only three - not a hundred, not just one) possible things you could do.

4. Figure out which one is best for now
You don't have to make a lifelong commitment right now and if things don't work out quite the way you'd hoped they would, you can work the steps again and again and again - just like everyone else.

5. DO IT!
I say that assuming you haven't chosen suicide. Obviously, that's the ultimate final solution(assuming you'd succeed). Nothing will happen to change the situation/problem until you actually DO something, no matter how small. A change in your situation, outlook, etc., requires a change from within yourself. In order for that internal change to have effect on the outside, tangible world, you must take action to implement that change.

A Practical Approach

Instead of trying to implement the steps up-front, pick a recent situation where you recognize you acted quite Borderline. Then apply the Five Steps. Start at the beginning and check the HALT. Working all the way through the steps shows your conscious and subconscious mind that there are other ways to cope with stressful situations. It is this preparation that gears us up for implementing the Five Steps in real-time scenarios.

Hello and Welcome!

Yep, I can relate to feeling like it is all your fault. What I have found though, it that it is not about fault really but about responsibility. An affirmation from the Angry Heart book really helped me with this.

It says, I am not to blame for the way I am, but I am responsible for changing myself.

It may seem like a contradiction but I find it to be true nonetheless. We didn't ask for bpd. We didn't ask to be abused or be in emotionally invalidating environments. That part ISN'T our fault. But, the reality is in order to have a high quality life, we do have to take responsibility for putting in the hard work (going to therapy, learning to think differently, using skills, etc.) to make our lives better. Hope that helps some!

smiles

Ah, totally didn't see Miasma's reply before I posted mine! I basically reiterated what she has said. lol