BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi, Everyone!
This is my first time to the Recovery Forum. I've been on the BPD Family site figuring out how to help my UBPDDH. We are both 100% sure that he suffers from BPD, and probably some other PD's. He's going to the psychiatrist for the first time tomorrow evening.
My question for you all is whether or not you are on disability because of BPD. My DH is so miserable that we are hopeful that the doctor will give him some time off work, as it seems to trigger him into dysregulation just about every single day.
Thank you in advance for any and all responses! I pray every day for anyone afflicted with this illness.
God bless you,
JDoe

Hi JDoe, sorry that nobody got back to you about this. I hope you're still out there somewhere, checking in here.

I don't know of anyone who is on disability just for BPD, though I'm thinking here of full-on Social Security-type disability. I've been on S.S. disability for a number of years, but I've also had serious depression issues which have led to hospitalizations and ECT (shock) treatments, so BPD didn't really enter into the equation when I applied for S.S. disability. But before that, I went through both short-term and long-term disability time from my job (which I ultimately couldn't return to), and I think it might well be possible to do something like that if it's available for your h through his employer and the psychiatrist recommends it.

I hope your h's appointment went well, and that he's going to get some appropriate treatment. He's fortunate to have such a supportive spouse as you!

Thank you for your reply, Sari. DH did go to the psych, who took him off work for 4-6 weeks due to stress and depression. He has not yet diagnosed him with BPD, but DH and I both agree that he has it. DH filed for disability through his employer, but his job has been threatened, which is probably a blessing in disguise. It makes him miserable every single day and I prefer his happiness to any salary. He is dysregulated right now and I don't know what to do to help him.
I am sorry for the things you have been through, Sari, and will keep you in my prayers.
God bless you,
JDoe

I'm glad your husband is getting some help, J.

If his job is really too stressful and makes him miserable, then maybe a change would be good, though this economy is tough when it comes to finding a new one. Still, if it's making him crazy.... I had a stressful job -- I was an RN -- but I loved it when I was well. As things fell apart for me, though, it wasn't the best place for me, as I risked putting patients in danger because I was so emotionally out of whack. All in all, I was on disability for 6 months before they told me they could no longer keep my job open. There was no way at that point that I could have gone back, so that was the end of it.

I think that legally your husband's employer can't just fire him for requesting disability, though I'm not certain about how the laws work. Even if he thinks that he won't want to return there, it wouldn't be a bad idea to check with an attorney who specializes in disability law -- google it to find someone in your area -- to protect his rights. He should make sure that his record will show that he wasn't fired for cause, so that, assuming he feels well enough in the future to return to work somewhere else, the departure from this job won't be a black mark against him.

Thanks for the prayers. I'm returning the favor.

Thank you again, Sari. You are so kind and encouraging. DH has been stuck in this job for almost 20 years and it was time to move on about 3 years ago when the new supervisory staff started stealing his accounts, etc. They wanted him out and made it more and more miserable. I told him that any other person would never have stayed this long, but he is too stubborn to quit. His self-esteem is very low and he felt that he didn't have any other options. I think that they will figure out a way to fire him, but we have quite a bit of ammunition if they try to fight his disability or his unemployment.
I love him so much, I just want him to be happy. I wish I knew how to help him when he is dysregulated. Nothing I say makes any difference and he is angry and either raging or silent. Would there have been anything that would have helped you to look outward instead of inward when you were dysregulated, before you got better?
Thank you for the prayers. So many reasons to stay on my knees all day long, if only in my head.
God bless you.
JDoe

20 years is a long time to be stuck in a job you don't like. If the work environment is so yucky for him, then it probably would be better for him to leave, but after securing whatever benefits, if possible, that he needs or is due. Being unemployed can be a big blow to the ego, especially for men who have been the primary wage-earner for a family (don't know if that's the case for him). The first order of business is to get him on a more stable emotional level, but later on, if he's feeling ready to work again, he might look to see if there are any groups of similarly unemployed men in your area who are meeting for networking and support. I know a lot of people think of "support groups" as being more female turf than for guys, but I've read several stories of how a lot of men who have lost jobs in this economy and have been feeling very down about it have benefitted just by getting together with other guys who are in the same position. Just knowing that others are in the same boat and struggling with similar emotions and lack of self-worth can be helpful -- not that they should be having a pity-party any more than women should, but you don't feel so alone. They can also share leads about different opportunities that they find out about -- it sounds way more positive to me than sitting at home alone on the sofa and feeling sorry for yourself.

You asked what would have helped me when I felt dysregulated. I think first and foremost is getting with a good therapist and establishing a trusting relationship there. I NEVER could have made the progress that I've made on my own -- I needed somebody outside the family and objective who I could feel safe with and yet who would call me (gently) on my twisted thinking. As far as what you can do yourself, try to mostly just be there for him, especially when depression and sadness seems to be the biggest issue. But also I would say, when I think back to my own situation when everything fell apart for me, you should both validate what he's saying but also set firm and consistent boundaries when he's angry or raging.

At the time everything crashed for me, my marriage (of 27 years) was disintegrating, and part of the reason was that my husband never made me feel that he was willing to even try to listen to me and hear me, to acknowledge that he could see that I was struggling, to attempt to read between the lines and see that when I seemed upset about something that to him was trivial, there was more going on behind it all but I couldn't articulate it. Not that he (or you) can be mind-readers, but don't blow off the other person. Even if he had been totally confused by what's going on, if he had said "I don't understand what you're feeling right now but I can see that you're hurting," it would have helped me a lot.

On the other hand, there's no reason anybody should be subjected to rageful abuse, so if your husband is nasty to you, and especially if he ever gets physical when he's angry -- and I don't mean necessarily striking you, but also throwing or breaking things -- you should set clear boundaries that you won't tolerate that. If he's taking his anger out on you, you can quietly say "I'm not going to be treated that way; I'm going to leave the room/house now, and we can talk later when you're feeling more calm." You can't make him change his behavior, but if you let him know that you're not going to stick around for it, he may decide to change it on his own. If there are important issues that need to be discussed, don't pick a time to bring them up when he's already seriously out of sorts. And then, when he can sit down and talk rationally with you about something, tell him thank-you.

Please keep in mind, though, that I'm not a therapist, so when I say these things, it's from my experience only and should be taken with a grain of salt. I think your husband needs, as I said before, to find a therapist, and work closely with that person, because he/she will be a better resource than an anonymous person on a message board. Not that I mind offering my thoughts, but they're only my thoughts and not gospel --each one of us is unique, and we need individual treatment because there's no "one size fits all" for any of this.

Dear Sari,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. You are right that every person is different, but it is so helpful to hear from someone with the disorder who is in recovery and can explain. I love my husband so much and truly want to understand what is going on with him. In the past two months since I discovered the probability of BPD, we have had some of the best heart-to-heart discussions that we've had in our entire 19 years together. I had no idea of what was going on in his mind and he had no way of expressing it to me. He's said a number of times that "everyone feels this way and I just need to suck it up." I know now that no, everyone does not feel that way and it is not okay that he does.
I will keep encouraging him to seek therapy, thus far he has seen a psychiatrist once and has a follow up appointment next week. I am so sorry that your husband did not try harder to understand and listen to you, but glad that you found a way to get help for yourself. He certainly missed out, as you seem like an intelligent and insightful lady.
Thank you, again, so much for sharing with me. Above all, I seek to understand and learn how to love my husband in a way that he can see and feel. God has a plan for each of us and I know it does not include being so miserable.

God bless you, Sari.
JDoe