BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi... I'm just trying to see if I can find some support and hopefully start feeling better. I haven't been officially diagnosed with BPD, but having been reading up on it, everything's started to make sense.

I'm 24 years old, and I have been having emotional problems for as long as I can remember. Recently, I've begun taking everything out on my fiance, and he's amazing, as he has stayed with me and supported me, no matter how horribly I treat him. I hate that it's come to me treating him like this, and I want to get it all sorted out.

Can someone tell me what I can do to start feeling better? It's the weirdest thing. He'll say something completely innocent and I always turn it into a huge argument and end up crying all night. He doesn't like seeing me go through this. Last night we had one of those again, and he felt horrible. Then tonight, he was looking into wedding arrangements, and in my head I found it so strange that he still wants to marry me after everything I do.... he truly is completely amazing.

I jus want to stop feeling like I'm completely insane... I don't want to be absolutely terrified he's going to leave me anymore...

Hi Skittles13, and WELCOME to BPDR!

FWIW, you do not have to be officially diagnosed with BPD or any other mental ailment to be part of this site. Many here are, but quite a few are not. We are simply a site looking to better ourselves and find a path toward happy, healthy living. It sounds to me like you want that too, so I wholeheartedly welcome you. That said.....only a trained therapist or psychiatrist can diagnose a person with BPD. If you do identify with what you have read about the disorder, I recommend going in for some counseling. It is a complicated diagnosis, sometimes with overlap of other disorders and just going to therapy anyway (whether or not you have BPD) can be a great way to sort out any emotional problems. At least, I loved and gained quite a bit from therapy.

I'm glad to hear that you have an understanding fiancee. That support can really help you in finding your way. I'm sorry, however, to hear that your problems are taking such a toll on the relationship. I know that for me and my husband, finding a way to handle my BPD and 'recover' really and truly saved my marriage. I believe you have it within you to do the same, and the tools here can help. Our board is having trouble atm, but should be back on-line shortly so you can really read through the tool box and home page, which has quite a lot of beneficial info.

A thought I had when reading your post:

Isn't the first part contradictory from the second? That he is so amazing and still wants to be with you despite the arguments, even to the point of helping with wedding plans (my H wouldn't do that!) and then in the next paragraph, you state how terrified you are that he will leave you? I hear you saying that in both instances, you found it hard to believe he would want to be with you, correct? But...he's saying and acting as if he does indeed with to marry you, correct?

My point is this is the exact same type of thing that went through my head all the time, dating before my H and with my H. What I'm trying to say is that these things are incongruent....he can't want to be with you and want to leave at the same time, that's just not how I know people to work. And....if he can't be both and he acts, states and demonstrates his love and devotion to you....why not believe him? If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck, right?

All we can do is take people at face value, looking at their words and deeds with an open mind and finding a way to trust enough in them that they know what they are getting into and what they want. Of course, you have a responsibility to be forthright and honest in presenting yourself to him too-- one of our tools is called the 4 agreements and part of it states to be impeccable with one's word. I would think this would benefit you greatly in the present-- only say what you mean and mean what you say. Another one of the 4 agreements is to not take anything personally.......that one is more difficult for me to put into place, but it really works! Most things aren't meant personally and by not taking them that way I was able to halt the emotional meltdowns and see things for what they really were.

For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why my H would want to be with me because I didn't know or like who I thought I was.....once I figured out who I was and became someone I was proud to be it became easier, but that took a while for me. At first, all I could do was trust that he knew what he wanted and that he would tell me if something changed. I had to learn to allow him to have his own feelings. I hope you can trust in your fiancee in the same sort of way.

I'm sure others here will have more for you. I tend to write long posts, sorry for the length. I hope some of what I've said resonates with you but if not that's okay too. I really just wanted to say hi and send you a warm welcome and let you know there is hope-- we can change our way of seeing the world and therefore change our reactions to it. It can be difficult, but I believe anyone with the will can accomplish this.

Harmonium, thank you so much. I just moved to another state and I have only seen my doctor once. I have another appointment with him next week and I will see if I feel comfortable enough to mention these things to him.

I also forgot to mention that I believe my mother may have BPD as well. She was always leaning on me and telling me I couldn't leave her (from when I was a child). My father passed away when I was 11 and when I was 19 I was diagnosed with the same disease that killed him.

Also, a little over a year ago, I was kicked out of the apartment I was living in, they wouldn't give me a reason why, and I had nowhere to go. Then my aunt who I had always thought was amazing and down to earth invited me to come stay out here with her, after a few months I found out that she is extremely manipulative and emotionally abusive. I left after a few months, tried to go stay with my fiance, but he lives in another country and things get complicated with that, and I was sent back to the United States.

He came to visit me about a month later and that's when we got engaged. He's so sweet.... but yeah, things went south with my mother again, and I've ended up back here. It's really quite a horrible circle.... Doesn't do my head any good.