I've already posted here but have written this more to clarify things in my own head. I hope this is appropriate.
I feel my life has been a roller coaster of disappointments and wonderful things. Bad relationships, quick and intense, the fire of them burning me to cinders. Every few years I remake who I am. I inadvertently, once I rediscover who I am again, get into a relationship where I loose my sense of self and I fall apart again.
I first noticed a horrible depression which I was treated for at 19. I managed to stay in a codependent relationship for 7 years, until I turned 32 and broke it off, and moved away across the US. Got into one of those very very intense relationships that turned emotionally abusive towards me; she was a paranoid schizophrenic and I started exhibiting signs of her paranoia and multiple personalities. The relationship ended, and a few months later she tried to kill me. I then moved to New Orleans, where I've been since 2002. The paranoia and MPD symptoms were, I believe, my extreme empathy as I have not again been the way I was in that terrible time. After hurricane Katrina I was diagnosed and treated for Panic Disorder. The drugs (Lexapro) made me horribly anxious and I stopped taking them after a week or so.
Between then and now I've had quite a few short relationships, where I get all emotional in the intensity of my feelings and end up pushing them away. They cannot handle my intensity. I don't blame them. I slept around a great deal, too. This last summer me and a very good friend started talking a lot--she in PA and wanting to move back to New Orleans after her own painful breakup. She told me she had been in love with me for the 7 years we'd known each other, and we started visiting each other, and ended up deciding that we were madly in love and would start a life together, be each others family. She moved here (next door to me) right before Christmas. It quickly turned bad, as I was confused over her emotional and sexual distance, and she kept saying how she needed space and I didn't respect her boundaries. We broke up in January, after being "together" for 5 months. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and is a hardcore alcoholic. I quit drinking about 2 years ago, being an alcoholic myself.
Since J. moved here, I have had an increasingly horrible mix of anxiety, depression, and yes, even psychotic behavior. I started taking Celexa for a few weeks in January, which made me terribly anxious, and am now on Zoloft, which I think is helping. I'm only on 25mg, but my GP doctor wants me to see a psychiatrist before prescribing me anything else or increasing my dose. He gave me Hydroxyzine for anxiety, but all it does is make me tired (but not less anxious) and unable to stay awake. I would occasionally take small amounts of J's Kolonopin for the anxiety, which is the only thing that makes it go away, but my doc doesn't feel comfortable prescribing it to me.
In researching BPD to understand J, I was surprised and horrified to see that I have all the symptoms, more or less, minus the suicidal behavior. I was suicidal when the abusive ex dumped me, but haven't been really since then. I've dealt pretty well with the anger issues, though I find on the Zoloft I've been occasionally having rage outbursts, which haven't happened (except for once) since I stopped drinking. I drank to fill an emptiness which never worked. I drank very often to excess. I mostly stopped because the day (or 2 or 3) after drinking I would get very intense panic attacks that would last for hours. Followed by a clear peace. It was weird.
My parents were overprotective of me; anything I did was either praised or not talked about. I felt they were disappointed in my anger, my deep shyness, my preferring books and climbing trees to hanging out with other kids and wearing dresses. They (mostly my mom) were always trying to force me into being some popular, girly girl. I was the opposite. Everyone said, you're pretty, why don't you curl your hair? wear makeup (when I was older)?, wear dresses? And I hated them all, just went further into my shell. I felt that I wasn't good enough, that the world was a facade and all the people were actors like on t.v., but no one told me the script or what I was supposed to do. I really thought that when I was small. It made me angry, this fake world with the fake people. I had nightmares, my mom said, when I was an infant, and I remember nightmares my entire childhood, that slowly subsided once I reached puberty. I still occasionally get them, but not often. I was confused when I was small between the difference between my dreams and reality. I also believe that my uncle sexually abused me when I was very small. I have strong feelings of hate and shame still towards him, but cannot clearly remember much.
I'm pretty much convinced that I am Borderline. I am trying to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, and will be hopefully getting into therapy very soon. (I made lots of calls yesterday after my therapist, who I've seen only 3 times, basically said she couldn't help me.)
I don't know if the Zoloft is the right drug, or if it just needs to be increased. It's mostly the anxiety and emptiness and emotional anguish (followed by feeling completely great and happy) that is the problem now. I wake up with intense panic attacks most mornings, regardless of the previous day or how well I slept. My mood will be awful, and I'll be trying to not cry at work or something, and then very shortly I'll be happy and in a great mood. I'm scared because my sense of self is, yet again, unstable. I'm afraid I'll never be able to be in a good relationship, I'm afraid of my out of control emotions that see-saw me from panic and depression to bliss in minutes.
I have had a pretty stable job for the last 1 1/2 years, and am going to school for art. I think I've come a long way in many ways, however it's the emotional black-or-white that is really screwing me up, making it hard for me to function.
I just wanted to share my experiences. Thank you for anyone who got this far
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