BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everyone,

I'm 29 years old. I've searched for help for the first time at the age of 16, but only committed myself to therapy at the age of 18. A few months later BPD was diagnosed to me. I've managed to recover completely and for 8 years I lived a very functional life, with a job, a career, a house, stable finances, good social life, secondary occupations, everything fine with the normal ups and downs that life brings occasionally. Until I fell in love with an untreated person with BPD. I thought I could handle everything, but I ended up loosing everything. And my traits came back. I've been reading these boards and using the tools, 10 years ago I didn't had any of this, so it's been very helpful. I'm on my way to recovery, as I did before, but today was a very bad day. I was attacked by a stranger in the street, he touched my butt and stole my cellphone. I've managed to run away safely, but right now I'm feeling horrible. All the knowledge I have is not helping. I can't control my mind, I can't control the pain and I can't call anyone because my phone with all the numbers is gone. I had memories of me and my ex fiance in that phone, pictures, texts, videos and now they're lost forever. He's in another country, I'll never see him again and those memories meant so much to me. I just want to scream this pain out. I can't stop crying, I have a job interview tomorrow and this is messing with my head completely. This is horrible. Why do we have this disease? Why? It's so unfair.

Hi,

I'm just letting everyone know that despite my despair from last night, I've managed to apply what I've learnt to get a hold of myself and interrupt the process of splitting. The job interview was successful and the pain is gone. It's like if I've managed to keep a wound from bleeding. And now I'll use all my knowledge to keep it from opening again. Yesterday my words may have discouraged some people who just got into recovery and I apologize for that. I want you to know that recovery may not be easy, but it's absolutely possible and incredibly worth it.

I'll keep reading more than I'll post and I wish you all lots of success in your journey to a joyful, easier and fulfilled life.

Hugs,

Yudja

How are you feeling now? It sounds like you were having a really bad time of it when you first posted (I think anyone would be freaking out after an attack like that!) but then you managed to use your skills, which is wonderful.


I agree totally. I've had lapses in recovery too, but each time it does get easier to pick myself up and keep trying.

Looking forwards to getting to know you (and sorry this welcome is so belated!)

Lirael

Hi Lirael! Thank you so much for your words, I really appreciate them.

The police got my phone back and also my ex fiance has been very supportive. We still love each other, and are bond to each other, but had to separate over visa bureaucracies, since we're in different countries. Having to deal with another immigration process was more than any of us could handle and so we remain separated. Can't even begin to say how hard this is. I can't speak for him even though I have an idea of what he's been through and it wasn't easy, but for me, one year after the separation, I've came to accept things the way they are and I'm trying to get my individual life back on track and recover all the things I've lost, including balance. And well, against the odds I was told yesterday that I got the job and this made me feel incredibly good. Right after, the usual fears came up, like being scared of change, new environment, new people, new culture since it's a Korean company, not being up to the challenge and my immediate response was to isolate myself from everyone. I know it's a defense mechanism and I have to fight against it. I think I'm mainly afraid of the unknown, because I don't know how my brain will respond to it.

I haven't hurt myself in 11 years, but with the separation, the self harm thoughts have returned and I've had to struggle to keep me safe from myself. In the meanwhile it's been 8 days without any suicidal thoughts. I'm making progress :-)

The day will come when everything will be more simple and I can trust myself to be spontaneous without fear of being impulsive as well. I know it will.



It's a good perspective, "keep trying". It simplifies everything. Like, the worst that can happen is having to try again. That makes me feel better as it reliefs some of the pressure of not being allowed to fail, like if there would be a limited number of chances and I couldn't waste any. I tend to be my worst enemy, and I know how to torture myself.

I'm so thankful that I found this place. I need to congratulate everyone who has invested their time and energy in these boards. I hope someday I may give my contribution as well.

I'm looking forward to know you too, and thank you once more. ::hug::