|
I will start this out immediately by saying that I have not been diagnosed officially with BPD. I am currently 24 years old, and have been seeing psychologists and therapists on and off since my 11th birthday. At this point I had already been self-mutilating for over two years. Immediately I was diagnosed with depression, and was given prozac for the following two years, only to have my dose doubled when I attempted suicide at 13. I was placed in a center for about a week, where every other under 18 year old was there for drug use or violent behavior. The counselors treated me pretty badly, yelling that it was my fault that I was in there, etc., scaring me off of therapy for about 4 years. I tried several other anti-depressants over the years, and the seemingly only effect of any of them was that, as my mother said, " effexor makes you mean!" When I was 19, after a severe manic episode, my father was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. He has thought that was what my problem was ever since, only in the 'ultra-rapid-cycling' form. Once I began a serious relationship with my current boyfriend (as of 10/19/06), and started having increasingly heated fights with him that often led to my feeling suicidal, I began going to a psychologist again. I went for 20 visits, until my insurance carrier informed me that I was only allowed 20 visits for a non-brain chemistry related issue (because apparently depression alone does not qualify as such). Despite my therapist not realizing the severity of my issue (which no one could have done without psychic tendencies, seeing as I had plenty to talk about over those 20 hours without ever implicating myself in the problem,) it was the first time that I felt validated in feeling the way I did about anything. Still believing depression, and now anxiety, to be my main issues, I continued trying to work and go to school full time, while managing a long term relationship and a lot of good friendships. But his not doing dishes enough, or not remembering something, or not doing something the way I liked it started turning into huge fights, and we eventually ended up getting evicted from our apartment for noise disruption. My instinct was to totally flee. We moved from a major metropolitan area to a town of less than 2,000, to live on my boyfriend's goat farm, about a year and a half ago. Nothing in my behavior has changed. I have been slightly less stressed about obligations and responsibilities, but being very very far from the ocean, and seafood, leaves my pescovegetarian diet in shambles, and I have no friends, other than my SO. Two months ago, I discovered BPD while looking into social anxiety disorder. There is no doubt in my mind that i am in fact borderline. However, I am now in a place where there is absolutely no job market, and no facilities to diagnose, let alone treat BPD whatsoever. I hope that my presence here is not offensive to anyone, as I have no official diagnosis, but I truly believe that this is what I suffer from. I have spent hours and hours poring over information, sobbing 70% of the time. I want to be a fully functioning adult, and not someone who seems to exemplify the spoiled and self-centered generation y-er people have come to expect.
|
FAQ
Register
Login
