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Hi, I'm june and I'm 22 years old this year, and I am trying to figure out if I have a possible personality disorder.
A situation in the past week inspired me to begin looking up the traits of PD in regards to myself. I just really don't know who else to turn to at the moment, and what I should do, if I should do anything at all. I can't afford to see a therapist at the moment, don't really know how to go about finding someone to talk to - I definitely have mixed feelings about seeing someone because I'm not sure if anyone can actually help me. I also admit that I have an underlying suspicion that they will not help me and will string me on, pretending I need more help than I really do just to have me pay them more money.
I want to make it clear that I will not use this site as a substitute to seeking professional help, I do intend to seek it out eventually, but I am having a hard time trying to convince myself that I really need to. I have moments, such as these, where I do know I need help understanding this. Other times I believe I can just do it by myself because I generally think that at the end of the day, the only person who can help me is myself.
I have felt for a long time that I get very paranoid about certain things, although afterwards I become aware that it is just paranoia - I feel like I am constantly waging a mental war against paranoid thoughts and trying to see them for what they are. Many times I fail miserably and can only apologize to my loved one afterwards.
This paranoia seems to only become very overblown with one person in particular - My partner. I have paranoid thoughts towards other people and situations as well, but I generally tend to keep these thoughts to myself - lots of times I will avoid certain people and situations because of the paranoia I feel, but as of late I have been trying to face these fears by interacting with people whom I unjustifiably think would ridicule/harm me, and feel like I am making some sort of progress. I feel like I have isolated myself from making friends and being in social situations ever since I was a teenager, but I feel as though I am coming out of it. Just a few days ago I went to my very first concert and I actually didn't have any badly paranoid thoughts, I felt really calm and non-paranoid, at least until the end of the night when I started getting paranoid about what my partner was up to. This is why I feel like I could seek professional help, but it is hard to overcome the initial fear of approaching someone with this problem. I very often end up convincing myself that I can do it alone.
Why I think I need some help is because of this recurrent situation I have with my partner with my unjustified accusations of him of falling out of love with me, of him planning on leaving me, of him replacing me with someone "better". Even as I type that I am plagued with those possibilities. I'm always interrogating him on if he has been attracted to any females on any day, on past experiences with other females even though we have talked about them many times. I tend to pick apart his answers and split them into black and white. I often accuse him of losing interest in me if he does not do certain things all the time such as hug me whenever he sees me, hold my hand in public, be with me when I want to be with him.
A week ago he went away internationally for 5 days, and I immediately started to overeat and to have very paranoid thoughts that kept me up all night about his activities overseas, even though I know logically he has never given me any reason to doubt his loyalty, I just feel like there is a possibility anyway. When he was away I didn't feel like doing anything and very much felt like I was just passing time until he came back. I couldn't even watch shows with attractive females in them because they tend to make me even more paranoid. I also experience a great loss of sleep because I can't turn off my brain from the paranoid thoughts, and I find myself getting very stressed out in bed for hours at a time thinking paranoid things and getting very angry at him. This happens even when he is not away overseas. Usually I do this and then resolve to bombard him with questions the next day in order to satiate my desire for proving my paranoia "right". I say right because initially I tend to only find the worst answers to be the most believable. This is all I can write right now, I feel quite emotionally drained today because I have been thinking about it long and hard and haven't had much sleep.
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