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Hello BDP Community, I was diagnosed with BPD about 6 weeks ago and am really struggling with what seem to be worsening panic and/or agitation "episodes" (for lack of a better term, but they are not pretty; it goes without saying that I'm sure no further explanation is needed here, you likely understand the intensity and ugliness of these times). Hormonal issues are really intertwined with all of this, and I feel utterly overwhelmed with trying to keep myself together moment to moment each day. I realize that others do not understand BPD (especially friends) nor do they have the time to have me constantly give them the "play by play" of my day, the latest crisis, "breakdown," etc. and it is the most disconnected lonely feeling that I could have imagined. I'm so sick of hearing myself talk about all of this constantly. It is exhausting. I do have a great husband that has stuck around God bless him, strong, silent Scadinavian-type, short on words, we've been married almost 15 years, but I am not a fragment of the person he married. I spent a decade trying to cope with what i didn't even realize I was avoiding (with good daily bottles of Chardonnay, painkillers for migraines and just general avoidance and selfishness. I blamed everybody for everything (still do have quite a knack for that), my unhappiness, etc. I had been misdiagnosed with Bipolar II just last October and am extremely sensitive to meds, had been put on many, many bipolar meds and had to have 12 days of inpatient hospitalization in Northern California to get off these medications quickly because of just how they were negatively affecting me. It was a terrible experience I will never forget.

Reading the Tools section of this site tonight seriously feels like an answer to a quiet prayer that has been in my mind for about 20 years. I have been searching for a framework to base *something* in my life on so that I can get better, for God's sake! Right now, I could use support with how to avoid triggers for my "agitation" episodes, which stem from thinking that friends/family are letting me down, not considering my feelings enough, and I have this constant need for them to REALLY understand me and what this is iike, which my therapist has told me is not realistic and will perpetuate my frustration. I fixate on things that I especially dislike or that greatly annoy me about different women acquaintances/friends that I know and get locked up with that and usually tell them just what's on my mind, which is far from helpful and drives people away. I am tired of overwhelming people with my emotional ups and downs.

I am completely sober now (this has helped a great deal) and want to be well. But during the day I feel like I have no one to talk to when these psycho-feeling waves of emotion hit. Maybe I'll get better at figuring out what they are stemming from (?) Even talking to my husband, who does care in his own way, is seriously not that great of an idea 'in my book" to try to share too much with because I need to find other relationships and outlets for talking about BPD, my frustrations, when it is something he cannot fix nor does he understand even though he tries his best. This is foreign to him. He is a businessman, hunter, fisher, private pilot and, no joke, would have been a Viking had he lived during that era, I am quite serious! Emotions are a different language, etc. altogether for him.

I also worry that I am scarring our sons for life, how do i explain this to them? Does everyone try to manage BPD with these tools or medication or a combination? I had a terrible episode today that I am just now starting to recover from, but could use support and suggestions on just how to get through each day. I am going to print the Tools section in the morning and bring it with me wherever I go. This honest to God is what I have been seeking for so long. I browsed through it and it makes such sense to me! I even forwarded the joke about the Bishop and the Ass on to a few friends that will get a huge kick in the ass out of reading it! Especially since they are receiving it from me, their biggest pain in the ass. I like everything I see, the tone and structure of this site and would love to be a part of the community.

I am a technology public relations professional and cannot continue with my part-time consulting work right now, which is very frustrating to me, but I am very thankful that I am in a position that I do not need to work, but I've lost myself and am scared to death that I will not feel normal again. What has happened to me?

Has anyone taken higher doses of Klonopin long-term to help manage episodes in conjunction with natural-based treatments, including mindfulness, yoga, etc. I have tried every other med under the sun and have awful reactions so have run out of options. The anti-convulsant class of medications, including Neurontin which I take to prevent daily migraines are the only meds that my body seems to handle.

Thank you for your hopeful interest and I would very much like to offer support as best I can to others... Oh, does anyone have advice on how best to communicate what is going on with me to my kids? Age appropriate for boys 11 and 9? Right now I have explained that I have big mood changes but that my husband and I are always here for them and that I am getting help (have therapist) and we will be here for them. Every day is so precious to me, they are growing so fast and I don't want to look back on these years and either be divorced, or have the kids disconnected from me, etc. I don't know what life is going to look like. Thanks everyone in advance, so very sincerely!

Hello CinqueTerre, and a very big WELCOME to BPDR!

I'm on my way out the door this morning and don't have time to address your specific questions, but I wanted to welcome you to the site and say hi. I'm glad you have found us here. From your post, it sounds like this site will be very helpful to you-- I know it has been for me!

Quickly-- you mentioned printing out the tools and how to help you through each day. A good start for me was going over (and over, and over, and over) the Four Agreements when faced with a challenging situation. Four 'simple' guidelines that have made such a difference for me!

Welcome!

Is that Cinque Terre as in Italy? If so, beautiful place and great username!

It sounds as though things have been really rough for you but it also sounds as though you have a lot hope now with the correct dx, your sobriety your therapy and having found this place. How long have you been in therapy?


Well, I haven't been officially diagnosed with BPD, it's just been mentioned as a possibility. My "official" dxes are recurrent depression, trichotillomania and social anxiety disorder (I'm now fully recovered from the last one). I tend to say I have all of the above plus BPD traits. But in my case it's a combination of meds, the tools here, other tools (e.g. DBT skills) and therapy. We're all different, but to me it makes sense to take at least a two-pronged approach.

I don't have children, so sorry I don't know what to suggest with that side of things. I hope you find a good way to explain to them though. What you've already said sounded like a pretty good start!

Lirael

Thank you! I can't figure out how to reply to specific replies to my posts (?) Yes, Cinque Terre as in Italy, isn't is heaven on Earth. The view from the mountain ridge reminds me that the horizon goes on forever and that to me means "possibilities," and that God/spirituality/however we experience that, is eternal and there for each of us.
There are those rocky beaches below but also the soft warm sand and those both too signify so much of what I feel, wish I could "feel" every day. I am going to print out the four agreements right now and follow your advice. I have been in therapy for at least 10 years, but realize it has not been effective because I did not have the right diagnosis. It wasn't until my newest dr. recognized that my "manic" episodes, which for me don't mean I don't sleep for days, etc. but mean I become hyper-agitated, catastrophize everything, weren't Bipolar, but BPD instead. Now the approach to therapy is helping me so much more because when I go, we talk about daily situations that have come up, what my perceptions were of things/people/the situation, what was truly accurate about that situation or person and then I am brainstorming what response likely would have been "the best." But don't get me wrong, I am misunderstanding most of the situations I'm in, making people mad, etc. and I have a looooong way to go. And I have such a hard time with how I feel after I realize I've really gotten off track, even though I know I'm so the learning stages about any of this. I REALLY recommend finding a therapist that specializes in BPD because their approach is so completely different than traditional talk therapy. I feel like I have explored my past in other therapy settings, years long, and gained insight into some of my patterns (I also have PTSD from caring for my mother from a very young age when she was very ill and i was running a lot of our household from age 10 on and taking care of my younger brother and sister and she would have seizures and has had more than a dozen surgeries. So I was always living on edge, feeling "what is going to happen next." My dad is a retired defense exec and was gone a lot. Our oldest son was very ill until age 5 with an undiagnosed respiratory/digestive problem and I spent years either thinking he would stop breathing or something awful would happen (which truly was realistic). My body is always in a heightened nervous state and I have panic attacks and the PTSD is also from a near-death choking episode I had in college and a nighttime plane crash that our family somehow avoided in a 4 seater plane. I'm not joking, folks, all this happened so close together. Thank God my husband knows how to land a plane with no flaps, lights or radio. And last year our neighbor's 19 year old daughter across the street that babysat for us and we knew very very well died suddenly one afternoon right in front of me while I was there, from an unexplained blood clot/embolism. I'm not here to dramatize with stories, but it has been more than my system has felt like it can handle, especially all so close together. So this makes sense to me that my mind and body are looking for a way to heal -- I'm looking forward, not backwards to get healthy again.

The hardest part is feeling like the people I know just don't understand me and I don't know how to even describe myself or how to describe BPD when people can see my obvious mood shifts that I try to hide when I need to, like at little league games, etc. What do you say to people that gives enough information without chasing them away with too many details or too much information they can't make sense of?

Hi CinqueTerre, I just joined BPDR today and I just really wanted to share something I've tried to help people understand how I function.

At the beginning of this year I started working with my husband, at his parent's daycare. So essentially I'm hanging out with my in-laws all day. Every time I'd see them in the past, it would give me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'd think, "They probably think I'm extremely weird." Or, "They probably think I'm mentally crazy." Or something of that sort.

The only thing they knew about my mentality was that I have massive scars on my forearms and I've been hospitalized in the past.

After I was diagnosed with BPD last November, I found a magazine article about BPD. (You can read it here: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/artic ... 91,00.html) After reading the article I printed it out and gave it to them. I explained that I didn't know exactly how to describe what goes on inside my head, but my doctor said I had BPD and that the article seemed to capture a decent picture.

After that, we kind of tip-toed around each other for a few days. But eventually (within a week or two) we became more, and more comfortable in each other's presence. I'm not saying this is the cure, but hey, it might help.



One thing I've noticed in watching my niece and nephew grow up (they're both turning 9 & 11 this year), is that no matter what their mom has gone through - they still love her with every inch of their souls. Kids are incredibly smart and understanding, especially if you simplify the explanation. What you've already told them is a great start. One day they'll better understand what you've endured.

What I'm trying to say is, don't worry so much that they'll stray away. Kids have that unconditional love that doesn't just fade away.

(I hope I've been of any help)

HI new member I have just joined this site and so am still finding my way around. I was diagnosed with BPd over 1o years ago. Around about the 4 year of diagnosis i sat down with my kids and explained everything to them. i found it really helped them especially one that i felt after wards may have been carrying the blame for me being sick all the time. hope this helps, it is best to be honest and open.