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Hi , i just saw your website now while searching on the internet seeking how can i put my disorder in a label!
I'm 26 Years old male and i have a personality disorder (This is my point of view) since i was a child and starting adolescence ..
i didn't have a good relationship with my father , i mean we didn't have this friendship that supposed to be between father and son.
I found him many times watching porno and when he sees me , he changes the channel .. but definitely i know he was watching porno , he is talking about women in a way i didn't like it , flirting in an animal way....
He didn't talk with me about sex at all. and i discovered it through friends and book and for sure porn movies. And he caught me manytimes watching porno and he insulted me , although he always watching porno.
And always when i do things in a way he don't want to be , he called me stupid.
He had much patience for my elder sister ( i don't know why) and he is always talking about her in a very good way.
Of course i'm not saying he was always bad with me ... of course not , he was very good in many other things.
But the problem is that i lost the great male example in my life , and i don't know who am i going to imitate ? as for a child , i need this example and i need this male support which i didn't find in him... ( he didn't hug me at all in my life )
So , what i did i guess that i saw him he likes my sister more , so i started to imitate her in everything unconsciously , how she talks , she moves.....
and time by time , i'm losing the identity that i'm a boy , and i feel inside i'm girl talking all the time and UNCONSCIOUS of my body ( i mean i didn't have a problem with my body , that i wished if i had a female body , or i don't want my penis ... i didn't have these ideas ever) just unconscious , don't have body awareness i can say. even i did sports and i do thing exposing my body but i'm really not conscious , as i invent a character and i believe it in my mind !!
and i lived in this way longtime , but the interesting thing i discovered that with females , i feel somehow that i'm male (not fully but i can feel it) but with males , i feel always that i need to be gentle ... don't know why !! and it's uncontrollable.
For sometimes i thought maybe i'm gay , which is not a bad thing for me ... but i discovered that i like females as well , so i start to conclude that i might be a Bisexual .... i tried couple of relationships with men , but when it comes to hard sex , i don't want to do it.... it was only kissing and hugging , yes i get erection when someone hugs or kiss me ( not anyone ) but i don't want to complete because i don't like it and i don't have really any religious guilt or something ..... or against gays anything , on the contrary if i'm gay it will be much easier for me
And i loved couple of girls and i had hard sex and it was great.
The Problem is from my point of view which i'm discovering it recently... that i think i invented another character and tried to avoid my male part to not be like my father as much as possible , by imitating my sister and female characters and trying to be the contrary of everything he do , like if he is tough , i will be gentle , etc....
And i think it becomes a programming in me and i don't know how to remove it... because i'm choked how i'm different when i speak to a girl and when i speak to a man !!
when i speak to a man , i'm not conscious of my body and my male side ! even i don't connect much my photos with me.... like " am i really a man??? am i really in a man body ????
i don't know how to describe more my case ....
i hope i can remove this programing i did it for myself
any suggestions?
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