Mitchie, it's not that you can't (or shouldn't) acknowledge or be aware of the wrongs that others have done to contribute to your illness -- that's appropriate -- but to get well, it's about concentrating on where you are
now, not about what happened when you were 11 or 16 or 25 or whatever. We can't rewrite the past, so it's best to accept it and move on. Even if some of the stuff very clearly and directly messed you up, what's important is not the
cause of what messed you up, but the
result of it, i.e. the symptoms you have and how they impact your ability to live a happy, healthy life.
There's a phrase in a book called
The Angry Heart by Joseph Santoro (a good and helpful book, especially for those who have addiction issues as well as BPD) called "The Existential Paradox," which says
Quote:
"We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults. But as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do."
Dwelling on who did what to you years ago isn't going to get you well. But saying, OK, today I have problems with isolation and trust and my health, etc., and today I'm choosing to try to move forward and do x, y, and z to get healthy, both mentally and physically. Blaming the doctors and therapists and your mother for what happened in the past isn't going to get you well. Deciding to leave all that behind and working on making good solid decisions for yourself is the first step in getting there.
I hope you'll make an effort to continue therapy. It can be difficult to find someone you "click" with and can learn to trust, but it's important -- if you try someone and can't get comfortable, then look for someone else until you find the right fit.
We have some good Tools (in the box on the left) that can help you straighten out your thinking and behavior.
Nobody here -- not Harmonium or me or anybody else -- is asking you to blame yourself for your problems. That's not what Harmonium meant when she said "own" your stuff. But we
do concentrate on recovery here, which means that we don't spend a lot of time on the past and the actions of others, but work on what we need to do in the future. I hope you'll stick around and give it a try, and perhaps you'll begin to feel better about yourself and your future.