BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi
I began to withdraw when I was 11 if my Mom had not been fooled by a Quack of a big joke for psych maybe I wouldn't be here now. she picked a Psychiatrist that hospitalized me at 14, this was a big jerk on the North Shore of Chicago, he mostly treated rich people's kids from New Trier Hs. any way this joke of a practioner hospitalized me I had become violent from frustrtaion of isolation my Mom wa sjust going about life as if a kid sitting home allday watching tv w/o friends of human contact was ok. THis Psych then would came on to the ward ,( honest folks!)and did his rounds at 5 am , he plopped his fat behind down in a chair in my room(AT 5AM!) asked how I felt when I'm all like huh? He left this went on for over ONE YEAR , never ever ever had any therapy in the 1960's they had no idea what to real do with adolescent psuch pts . when my insurance ran out he tried to put me in a state hospital I ran away and ran home from then on my illness was never address WHY did I feel I wanted to withdraw from society at 11 why did i stop going to school push any friends away? this was never addresses so I sat tril 18 watching tv and being violent and angry that I was alone and no one cared, At 18 I got into drugs my Mom thought I was just a bad person had NO clue I was medicationg this horrible mental illness and her I am now no friends no family isolated having problems at work with my thinking they see how my thinking gets out of control ) I am thinking of doing therapy again , I have much fear, but 10 years ago i tried therapy it got me off dope but i had a psy.d that had lousy boundaries she changed in mid therapy and blamed ME ( obviously she was not able to work with BPD clients, some of these therapists have TOO MUCH EGO.) and then i found an LCSW counselor i worked her for some years but then SHE with went back out into her drug addiction, yes I was in 12 step and my sponsor decided it was ok we had a summer fling and when that ended i ost ehr and my therapist again (my sponsor yes female I'm a female too) was seeing the same thera pist) Its been along road I have Hep C medical issues and no health insuarnce, i need to tend to that been feel stress not good for Hep cand to pay for therapy will be rough but I need help sorting this all out ..or maybe I'l ljust get a dog and I won't be alone anymore . My thing is people don't like me I know they will evenytually not like me or something I have a terible inferiority complex I am all screwd up and not a spring chicken. well good to be here that a capsule of how I got here i may not sound positive but I am theres nowhere to go I am not suicidal I wouldn't give up my life for anything, so I am hoping to get control of this illness this time for real

Welcome to BPDR Mitchie420!

I'm glad to learn that you wish to get control over your illness. This place can be a real help with that, especially the tool section on your upper left screen. The people here are very helpful as well.

I hope you are not offended by my pointing out that if you separate your post into paragraphs and use more punctuation it will be easier for other to read. Just a tip, it's certainly not a have-to kinda thing, but it does help get more replies.

At BPDR, we focus on recovery. For me and most others that means that we try to own our mental health and figure out helpful coping mechanisms to replace the maladaptive ones. It really works, but it takes work on your part. Owning the behavior can be an uphill battle sometimes, but well-worth the effort.

If you have any questions or need some advice, please feel free to ask. Otherwise just jump in! I'm glad to *meet you!

Believe me in 57 years I've owned every bit I am completely familiar with owning and also familar with people who manipulate my illness for their own desire to keep blame on me. I am wondering if this place has any concept that there there are varying degrees of of this horrific mental disease , BPD I am probably the severest form of this thing I live in lonliness and isolation and now I write here for help and your gonna tell me about ownership. thanks you guys are children in this I am too severe probably you could never understand

Mitchie, it's not that you can't (or shouldn't) acknowledge or be aware of the wrongs that others have done to contribute to your illness -- that's appropriate -- but to get well, it's about concentrating on where you are now, not about what happened when you were 11 or 16 or 25 or whatever. We can't rewrite the past, so it's best to accept it and move on. Even if some of the stuff very clearly and directly messed you up, what's important is not the cause of what messed you up, but the result of it, i.e. the symptoms you have and how they impact your ability to live a happy, healthy life.

There's a phrase in a book called The Angry Heart by Joseph Santoro (a good and helpful book, especially for those who have addiction issues as well as BPD) called "The Existential Paradox," which says Dwelling on who did what to you years ago isn't going to get you well. But saying, OK, today I have problems with isolation and trust and my health, etc., and today I'm choosing to try to move forward and do x, y, and z to get healthy, both mentally and physically. Blaming the doctors and therapists and your mother for what happened in the past isn't going to get you well. Deciding to leave all that behind and working on making good solid decisions for yourself is the first step in getting there.

I hope you'll make an effort to continue therapy. It can be difficult to find someone you "click" with and can learn to trust, but it's important -- if you try someone and can't get comfortable, then look for someone else until you find the right fit.

We have some good Tools (in the box on the left) that can help you straighten out your thinking and behavior.

Nobody here -- not Harmonium or me or anybody else -- is asking you to blame yourself for your problems. That's not what Harmonium meant when she said "own" your stuff. But we do concentrate on recovery here, which means that we don't spend a lot of time on the past and the actions of others, but work on what we need to do in the future. I hope you'll stick around and give it a try, and perhaps you'll begin to feel better about yourself and your future.