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Hi everyone. I'm 21 from Australia, and I was diagnosed with BPD almost a year ago now. Well the diagnosis was never straight out, 'you have BPD', it was more like, 'you show some of the signs of BPD'. Close enough though, isn't it?

I guess I first began to show signs when I was 16.. My closest friends, the ones I would spend my lunchtimes with, all had the same background. They also spoke the same language, one which I didn't understand. At times they would speak to each other in that language. I began to feel incredibly paranoid, thinking they were saying negative things about me. I mistrusted everyone.

One day I became so depressed, I locked myself in a disabled toilet at school. I was in there for hours, missing classes. I even contemplated drinking the liquid soap that was in there to poison myself, but was afraid of failing in killing myself, and didn't want to face the embarrassment of a possible failed suicide attempt. My closest friends eventually figured out where I was (the door hadn't been opened for a long time), and told the teachers. The door had to be forced open to get me out, as I was too scared and embarrassed to give myself up. My friends apologised to me, saying they wouldn't do that anymore, and a teacher suggested I go to see a counsellor. I chose not to. Now, one of those girls is my best friend now. She has actually become the person I trust the most.

I've always trusted girls more than guys. I guess that's mainly attributed to the fact that I went to a single sex high school. When I began uni, a whole new world opened up. I wanted a boyfriend so badly.. I felt, and do still feel, as if I'm nothing without one. I was always getting bad guys though, and the guys who were genuinely interested in me, I didn't like. I would get depressed and suicidal at times when I thought that no guy wanted me. It led to me using guys, doing anything to feel wanted by guys.

Fast forward to July last year. I met a guy who I formed an intense crush on when we first met.. And for once, it was a guy I truly desired who actually desired me back. We began to date, and it was wonderful.. He showered me with so much attention and affection, something which I wasn't used to receiving from a guy I liked. We had been dating for about a month and a half, but I began to become suspicious.

One night I was at his place, and he went off to another room to make a phone call. I became angry, so angry. I was angry at myself, because I thought, 'he's seeing someone else. you're not so special. why are you being so stupid and at his place right now?!'. I was also angry at him, but I wouldn't let myself take out my anger on him, because I cared for him so much. Instead I took it out on myself. That night scared me and prompted me to begin counselling. Eventually I saw a Psychiatrist, and my diagnosis was given.

For those still reading this and curious, yes my suspicions were correct. There was another girl. I won't go into all the details because this is long enough already. But actually, I am still dating that guy to this day. We aren't official, but we treat each other as if we are boyfriend and girlfriend. I love him incredibly, and would do anything for him. For me, there is no other possibility. He's the only one I want to be with. Call me stupid if you want, but that's what I truly believe. We've been through many hard times together, he has been incredibly patient with me, and I've even helped him out of depressions due to the hardships in his life.

I've always had problems with fitting in.. It's because I come from a mixed background, my father being Irish/English, and my mother being Filipino.

I stopped going to see my counsellor earlier this year, thinking she'd taught me enough to cope with my emotions. I was wrong. I still have episodes where I will go into my borderline.. my partner calls it 'Borderlands', after that video game. lol. I will see my counsellor again in 2 weeks time.

I first found this website when I was in the 'Borderlands' about 2 weeks ago, and trying to find some help. I even began this first post because I had a brief moment of it before..

It's my partner's birthday on Friday, and the week is all planned out already, I'll be seeing him tomorrow, Friday and Saturday. I asked whether I'd see him on Wednesday, to which he replied, 'I'll see, it depends on your moods to be honest haha'. This prompted me to first begin posting here.. That really upset me. I shed a few tears, though talked to someone else about random stuff to distract me, and also talked to my partner in question about other things.

Was I overreacting to have been offended by that?

Hi mashimarogurl, and a big WELCOME to BPDR!

I'm glad you have found this site-- it is really helpful with recovery from BPD. I'm also glad to hear that you are going back to therapy (counselor) in a couple of weeks. When I was in the thick of my BPD behavior, therapy really helped me see the things I couldn't see clearly on my own. The tools and people on this site helped me to learn healthier coping strategies, how to put what my T and I talked about into every-day practice and how to untwist my thinking and live a life I'm happy to be living. I hope we can help you to do the same. Healthy, happy living is the goal!

I have no idea-- I'm not there; I'm not feeling what you are feeling and seeing what you are seeing.....but I can show you tools so that you can figure out for yourself if you think you were overreacting. We don't really know you yet and even if we did, you are in that situation, not us. Part of recovery is about learning to judge for yourself if your emotions/feelings/actions/whatever are in line with what you think is appropriate to the situation. Remember, though, it takes time and practice. We are happy to work these tools with you (there are forums for each).

I would advise you looking at the tool section on your left, maybe paying special attention to the following:
*Separation of Stuff
*The Ten Forms of Twisted thinking and Ways to Untwist
*The Five Steps
*The Four Agreements

I hope that helps. If you have any questions, just ask and we'll try to help. Otherwise just jump in! Again, I welcome you to BPDR and look forward to *talking to you again.

First of all, welcome to BPDR! We're glad to have you here.

That said, from a neutral observation point, I think it's a valid statement and very fair to you. He's telling you that YOU have control over how things play out. If you flip your wig, he won't be around for you on Weds. If you stay cool and out of the Borderlands, you have a more likely chance of seeing him on Weds. In a way, what he's telling you is something that - applied consistently - will help you overcome the Borderline stuff. He's telling you that there are consequences to your actions. Your actions are under your control, even when you *feel* like they're not.

However, having been there myself, I'd feel emotional about hearing that too. Borderline means wanting and almost needing to have a definitive black-and-white answer - "yes we'll see each other" or "no we won't." The grey aspect of "maybe" can definitely send Borderline tendencies into overdrive so it's understandable that there's an emotional reaction to his words.

So - knowing you have this emotional response to the vagueness of his words and recognizing that you have an opportunity to influence the outcome for Wednesday, what will you do with this situation? What are your three options? Which will you choose to do?

Thank you for the welcomes. Is it ok to continue to post here, or should I post in the other forums?

I actually did end up seeing him on Wednesday, and tried my best to not go into borderline. There were still a few hiccups, though. He is just recovering from a surgery and sometimes gets a bit moody because of the pain he's in. When he snaps at me, I tend to just go quiet, and he catches on to that. We ended up having a long discussion that night though, because he said he didn't like how my mood changed so easily and quickly over seemingly little things. I'm actually seeing my counsellor again tomorrow, so that should be good.

I've also realised over the past few days that I have very few loyal friends who I can always depend on. I hate being the one who always has to be the first to contact someone, and also hate trying to communicate with someone twice in a row when they haven't replied. I messaged a few friends in the past week, some of which didn't reply at all. I'm trying to ignore that fact, but it irks me how I still feel like I can't really trust anyone. Right now I only really have one good close girl friend who actually goes to the effort to check up on me, plus my partner who I trust.. Although really, I don't entirely trust them. My girl friend said I had to trust people unless I had specific proof to not trust them. But I felt even failed by her this weekend. She didn't respond to a question I asked, and that hurt me.

I also am very insecure. When I start to go into my borderline, I feel as if I'm not good enough for anybody, and that my partner will find someone else and leave me. The whole 'not being official' thing doesn't help that, but he isn't ready for a relationship, and he says neither am I because of my emotional tendencies. He tells me that I'm the only girl he likes and such, but I just wished I felt more secure, and I sometimes feel I would be if we were officially together.. But at the same time, if I felt more secure already, maybe he would be ready to commit to a relationship. It's kind of a double-edged sword.

I know that even now, I'm at the beginning stages of my borderline. A friend introduced a girl to my partner last night with the seeming intentions to set them up on a date. Now they are facebook friends. He has told me that he isn't interested in getting close to any other girls, but I always ask, 'what if?' I just wish I could be more confident in myself. It is likely nothing will happen, but I tend to think of the worst possible scenario. And I also want to talk to him, but as I was the last to message him, I want to wait for him to send something to me so I don't appear clingy or needy. Arrrrgh. Does anyone else understand where I'm coming from?