BPDRecovery.com: Forums

hi everybody,

let me start by saying i am really happy to be here. i am so glad that i found this place because i could really use some support right now. my name is nichole, i am 34 and i am a full blown borderline. i've been actively engaged in treatment for this for the last 4 years but it seems my illness has recently progressed and its all happened so fast. i'll try to make this brief: a year ago i left a 6 year relationship because my fiance at the time cheated on me. so then i got married about a month later to another man that i met online because i couldn't tolerate the pain any longer and it was affecting my job. i grew to love my now husband though i know i've tortured him for all of our time together just as i have in every relationship i've been in. anyway, about 4 months ago we moved into a new house. a month after that my dog of 10 years ran away and has yet to return. june 3rd i got fired from a job that i've had for the last 9 years. they had some bs reasons but i firmly believe the real reason was because my boss found out i was borderline 2 months prior. anyway, then my husband joined the army and left me all alone june 14th. oh and i had the gastric bypass surgery on may 19th. so the night before my husband shipped out to bootcamp, i had a large incident that resulted in the cops having to escort my husband out and he spent the night at a friends. so its been over a month he's been gone and i hadn't heard anything from him until today. he called and said he doesn't want to have any communication with me whatsoever while he's in bootcamp, he was only calling to inform me about a financial issue. i asked him if he planned to divorce me and he said there's a very good possibility of that. the thing is, i had a feeling something was wrong since i hadn't heard from him so i recently secured a back up plan (i've done this my whole life) on a social website to avoid feeling the pain associated with the rejection from my husband. that's where i am today i feel like everything is spiraling out of control and really could use some support. thanks to everybody that took the time to read this...

(hugs)
how are things going now? I can so relate to your post. I've never been married but I've done that exact thing you describe where there's an incident (usually generated by me pushing on a loved one to reassure me), things blow up, and then I desperately try to apologize, get them to come back, ask if they hate me, etc. Men apparently see such things as "drama" but from my perspective it always feels like a life or death situation to resolve/repair things. right. now.

A book I've really found helpful is Susan Piver's "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart" -- it isn't written for BPD's necessarily but it does address mindfulness and that awful pain, and finding a strength and capacity for love inside yourself that no one can take away. The author's writing style is honest, gently funny, and humane. That said, I'm still struggling with my stuff daily. The book does help, and I pack it around with me a lot to feel less alone.

Are you working again? That sucks about your boss. There's still so much stigma about this "personality disorder" (and we're so much more than this!)

hang in there -- you are not alone.