BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and although I've never been officially diagnosed, I've done a lot of research and I think I have a lot of BPD tendencies.

A bit of background:

My mom was a single mom who married my stepdad when I was 9. He's kind of a jerk, and my mom chose him over me (long story). I met my natural father when I was 11, after my mom called him and begged him to take me (my stepdad had beat me up). He wouldn't take me but he agreed to meet me. I saw him for a couple of summers until he dropped me off at my grandma's one year, called me the b**** from hell, and didn't call me again. I have no relationship with him.

I moved out of my home when I was 11 and moved around frequently after that, from family members to friends houses, all the way to high school. I was my own guardian in high school, and was technically homeless for part of that time, although I never had to sleep on the street (I just didn't know where my bed would be from night to night).

After I graduated I moved away. I met and married a man when I was 19. We had two children right away, and we were divorced 5 years ago. Our marriage was rocky from the start, and our divorce was rough.

I rebounded 6 months after my marriage ended into an extemely abusive relationship. I'm pretty sure, looking back, that he had a PD, maybe NPD or AsPD. I also contributed to this abuse though. I was needy, clingy and insecure.

I started seeing a man almost a year ago and I've noticed behaviors in myself that, if I don't change, are going to drive this man away. There are other issues too but I won't get into them here.

I don't fit all of the "criteria" (?). I'm not suicidal, I don't do drugs or drink (except socially), I don't cut or hurt myself.

Here are some of the things I struggle with

- I have a huge fear of abandonment. I was reading about object constancy (I think that's what its called?) And it fits me to a tee. I wait for people I love to leave me. I have this fear that if I don't talk to my partner for a day or two, he's going to either find someone else or just forget about me.

- I can manipulate people easily. I've always known how. My mom and stepdad will point this out to anyone they can. I feel ashamed to even write this. I don't want to be this way.

- I'm very emotional. My emotions can change very quickly, especially from upset to happy and vice versa. For example, if my partner says something and I feel like it could be a form of rejection I feel instant panic and I get defensive, lashing out. I don't scream or yell or swear or call him names but I still am wrong, and its still inappropriate. Sometimes when I'm going off I can even see how dumb I look as I'm doing it. Likewise, if my partner says something reassuring, I can calm down almost instantly and then I'm happy. I still feel awful though. Sometimes I can't stand myself, the way I act. It has to be so fristrating for him sometimes, so confusing to have to deal with my moodiness. I think we have more ups than downs but then when I do go off I think to myself "that's it, he finally is going to see that you're not worth it and he's gone for good now"

- I have never lived in the same place for a long period of time, and don't ever feel settled

- I have trouble holding down jobs.. This one is really embarrassing for me to admit. I feel like a failure because of this, and very ashamed. I want to change this.

- I have shoplifted in the past. I am a christian, and this is a terrifying secret that I keep. Again, I feel guilty about this and very ashamed of myself. I know how wrong it is and how wrong I was to do it.

- I sabotage my own success. I have planned to go back to school a few times now, and have procrastinated things so badly that it just didn't happen

- I rarely ever feel like I fit in anywhere. I try but I don't feel confident. I feel awkward, like people have me figured out or if they don't, they will soon and they'll see how worthless I am. After all, what substance do I have to offer them?

I'm sorry, this was longer than I meant it to be. I'm sure there's more but those are the basics of me..

Hi, and WELCOME to BPDR!

You don't have to fit all of the criterion to have BPD, nor do you have to be diagnosed to participate on this site. We are all just searching for healthy, happy living-- recovery. Many of us have official diagnoses, but many others do not. Some do not have any kind of mental health issue but rather know someone who does. All we ask is that the members here focus on themselves and what they can do to better their lives. None of us are health-care professionals, but we can relate and share what we have learned in our own process.

Other than finding a good therapist (are you in therapy?), the tool section to your left is a great way to begin. I find myself having to read and re-read these tools and practice them over and over to kind of re-wire my automatic responses to issues. They have been incredibly valuable to my own road toward recovery.

All of that said......it sounds like you have been through quite a bit. It also sounds to me like you have good insight into yourself and some things about yourself that maybe you would like to work on. Identifying these traits can be a big part of things, so you are already off to a great start.

Anyway-- welcome, welcome, welcome. Please don't hesitate to ask any questions you might have and post where you see fit. I've also found that simply reading the older posts can be very helpful. I look forward to getting to know one another!

Harmonium