BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi--
I've never been formally diagnosed with BPD but I've been doing therapy on and off for the last 20 years and I did once have a therapist who told me my diagnosis was a PD NOS (personality disorder, not otherwise specified). I think at the time I was so resistant to the idea of being BPD that she had to come up with a diagnosis that wouldn't send me into a panic. Now, the more I read about BPD the more hope I feel that this is what's been dogging me my whole life and that now that I know what it is, I can develop the skills and mindset to have a happier and more fulfilled life.

I'm 43, single, never married, no kids. I have a long history of relationships in which I've scared off men with my neediness and fear of abandonment. I don't know what happens. I'm initially aloof and unsure I even want to be in the relationship but then something gets triggered (usually by the emotionality for me of sex) and I become obsessed with watching for signs of disinterest. Not long ago, an ex-boyfriend told me I was emotionally abusive and my reaction was "what? ME? I'm the one who was constantly hurting!?" I've since realized that BPD behaviors can be incredibly confusing and hurtful to the people in our lives, even after we try to explain ourselves.

I'm creative and friendly and have managed to keep jobs and get through graduate school. I don't do much physical self harm but I can be very easily set off and self-hating. When I was younger I used to bite my arm when I was upset. It continued well into my thirties but with less frequency.

My life often feels like it's been in the shadows -- at my age I'm embarrassed that I never had a family of my own or a house. I'm a cat-owning apartment-dweller. My therapist says there's nothing wrong with that, but I wanted more than this. I'm currently working hard on building a healthier life -- I've joined Weight Watchers, am exercising, am writing, and am looking for opportunities to make more friends. It's hard sometimes, and feels lonely. I still struggle with a lot of BPD feelings -- when I'm not in a relationship I direct this stuff at friends and it's taken a toll socially. I'm also in love with someone who can't be with me -- that triggers a ton of bpd reactions.

Hard to write all this. Ugh. But I'm glad this forum is here.

i just wanted to say hi there and welcome!!! i'm new to this site also, i posted a bunch of things last week, including my current crisis i've been overwhelmed with, but have yet to receive any responses. but i was also so elated to find this place because i thought it would be exactly what i needed, to be able to communicate with people that know this pain, this emptiness, these self-destructive and sabotaging behaviors, inadvertant and severe harm we cause to others, as well as some who are futher along on their journey to getting well that may be able to provide some guidance. so, seeing there is a new member in need of some of the same things, perhaps together we can getting things moving around here! i posted a bunch of replies to people i really identified but didn't hear back from anyone. all the more reason i am so happy to meet you! feel free to email me anytime or we can communicate through here or whatever. if you look under the introductions you will find my current situation as well as some background. i'm nichole and i think my post was titled 'losing everything..' or something like that. i hope you are well today and look forward to hearing from you.

Hi Nichole!
Thank you so much for your reply! I had the same reaction you did to finding this site, like "thank god!" and then a bit of disappointment that I wasn't making friends right away. Ha -- so borderline of me! The emptiness is awful, isn't it? And the self-sabotaging. I just got back from a long walk where I was mentally grumbling to myself the whole time. It's a gorgeous evening and it feels good to move but all I could think about was how unfair it is that I'm not on some deck with a view (like the ones I passed on my walk) surrounded by friends and chilled wine, and obsessing about a friend who is distancing herself from me. It takes so much practice to get myself out of that mindset. I try to pull way way back from myself and look at things like, "hey, I can walk, yay!" and "what a gorgeous night!" I also realized I am afraid of people and spend time obsessing about those closest to me instead of making new connections (because I don't want people to know the real me).
I'll go look for your post. I'm so glad to hear from you - it's nice to talk to people that understand and experience the same gnawing feelings, reactions, etc. My name is Sheri -- I think you can email me here (I can't remember what my preferences are on this website).

Hi! I just joined as well, username is trillium.

It was good to read your post - I can really relate to being 40, "single, never married, no kids." I've felt really bad and unlovable about that, especially the older I get. I feel even more self-conscious of my scars now too. I feel like people don't or wouldn't want to get close to me and it makes me feel sad and lonely. I know I'm cared for but I feel trapped in a box where I can't actually have a normal intimate relationship with anyone. I've had a lot of tumultuous relationships with men that inevitably ended but nothing lasting. I'm beginning to question my need to get into a relationship at all and wonder that maybe it's not the answer to my problems, so there's a feeling of hope at least.

Thanks for posting... it's good to hear someone else's trouble and to be able to talk about stuff that I'm normally embarrassed about and have a lot of disdain for. Thx!!

Hi Trillium,
it's hard getting to be a "woman of a certain age" isn't it? I do everything I can to approach it positively -- I subscribe to "More" magazine, I'm try to get myself to the gym, I watch movies where Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep get to run around being fabulous (and desirable!) But it's a lot trickier being a woman of a certain age with issues. I'm not dating right now and the thought of trying to explain all of this to a new man makes me tired and anxious. I don't have scars (I was an arm-biter) but I have not yet had a successful, happy, healthy romantic relationship that I can point to during the inevitable dating history conversation. I've sabotaged every single one with insecurity and anger and what I call "looping" -- obsessing about something and asking for reassurance over and over and over again until the other person snaps at me to knock it off and then I go into a tailspin of hurt feelings and fear that they'll leave.

It's like I'm 43-still-going-on-13 emotionally.

I'm taking a break from dating in order to try to love myself. The concept is something people have been saying to me for years and I always make a puking face when they do it but I think it's the next step (and a lot of work). I've been really good at self-loathing but that's never really helped me or got me anywhere. I feel like if I don't learn to do this now, it's just going to get harder and harder, and real relief from living life in such a bpd way will be as elusive as ever. I'm reassured by all the tools here. I already knew about the Four Agreements but seeing them applied to bpd makes so much sense. It's like learning how to be good at being an adult (finally).

Hang in there and thanks for posting. Let me know how things are going.