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 Post subject: how long to recovery?
PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:04 am 
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Posts: 1007
Dear all,
I'm new here, stumbling upon this site was truly a gift from God!

I've started posting a little bit and been exploring many of the forum posts, but I have not 'officially' introduced myself yet.

Well reading many of the sharings, I so identify with many of the issues and things shared. It's like oh my god and 'finally someone understands how I feel' kinda thing.

Well I've just started seeing a psychiatrist, who has prescribed me Lexapro 10mg and is also doing psychotherapy with me. So far he has not given me any 'labels'. I'm guessing it's just not the culture in my country, where mental health awareness is just beginning to happen.

It does feel very very lonely sometimes, even though I have a few friends who love me, care for me and genuinely want me to get well.

And a mentor (who really loves me) who was the one who suggested I get mental health help (she checked out psychiatrists available and gave me contacts for the psychiatrist I'm seeing right now), and who suggested that I check out about BPD. But am currently not supposed to contact her for the time being, after I could not control my verbal lash outs and my insecure attempts to gain care and love (she was really like a real mother to me, and that's when all my bpd-like behaviour started coming out - deep seated anger at my parents for VERBALLY ABUSING me when I was young). Sometimes it's painful (this distance), and especially when I think about whether my friendship with my mentor will ever resume back to what is NORMAL. Yet I also know this is the time for me to discover myself.


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 Post subject: Re: how long to recovery?
PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:11 am 
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continued from previous post. Sorry I'm still not used to this site and the functions here.

Yeah, so I just realised today that I'm still in the ACCEPTANCE stage. Acceptance of where I am currently, and acceptance that it is a long journey ahead. I think I'm still struggling to accept the fact that I have to be on this journey. In a way I feel it's so unfair as it's not my fault. It's my parents who kept calling me 'useless' at a time when I was 'abandoned' my clique of friends without any reason (at the same time still grieving for the loss of my grandmother with whom I was extremely attached to); since then my life changed - I was constantly in an emotional turmoil which I couldn't understand.

Previously I struggled with hopelessness. But upon stumbling on this site, it helped me realise that recovery is indeed possible.

But how long, how long more before I don't have to endure this pain anymore? How long more before I can get to enjoy intimate relationships without angry, impulsive, verbal lashouts?

I guess in a way I'm impatient.

I've started being more aware of how I feel, instead of allowing myself to spiral down uncontrollably.

And only starting to be aware of 'black and white' thinking, though I still don't understand what splitting means. I'm applying it in the context of my friendship / relationship with my mentor. Whereby her asking someone else to tell me NOT to contact her at all for two weeks, and until further notice


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 Post subject: Re: how long to recovery?
PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:17 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
sorry is there a word limit to each post? sorry to be hogging.

I was asked not to contact her for two weeks, and only to contact her until further notice. There have been times when I feel the strong urge to just send a message to her saying that 'i will respect your boundaries', but when I hold myself back, I realise that that action itself is NOT respecting her boundaries.

At first I felt that she has rejected / abandoned me, and the friendship / relationship is over. Then hmmm... that's black and white thinking. There's a lot of grey in between. Like she needs her space (doesn't mean she doesn't care about me anymore), or she's really bogged down with her own stuff like work and her own problems (hence she doesn't want additional emotional burdens). And this has helped lessen the intense emotional pain.

How long more to recovery? I sometimes wish I don't have to be on this journey, it's such a painful and lonely journey...

I sincerely apologize for this long post. I guess I need to vent a bit to people who would understand. And I need to acquaint myself with the functions of this message boards.

Thanks for reading.


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 Post subject: Re: how long to recovery?
PostPosted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:08 am 
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Quote:
How long more to recovery?


Recovery is more a journey than a place.

For me, it didn't take long at all to start seeing a change for the better. But, well, there were lots of different get better steps, spread over time. And personal growth is a lifelong process that continues.

_________________
Ellen K.


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 Post subject: Re: how long to recovery?
PostPosted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:53 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
Dear Ellen
Thanks for the reply. Will keep that in mind - a process rather than a destination. And that personal growth is lifelong.


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