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I started a post, but I think I lost it when I hit submit. If I double posted somehow, please remove my first post, not this one. Thank you.

Anyway, this is Miyasa. I don't want to post on my other name as I dunno, I associate that point of my life with pain right now, even though I was doing well(I guess that is exactly it - Does that sound stupid or what?!) I doubt I will be posting here even on a semi-regular basis, as I am in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally.

G and I broke up a few months back. I think I saw the break-up as imminent, but not the way it was done. We were arguing more and more about the father situation(background, his dad is a pedophile and sociopath, and I didn't want anything to do with him). That included his dad having my phone number. But G, for some reason, could not respect that and would run up my bill with their calls. It seemed to me like he was rebelling - I don't know why he couldn't simply just use HIS telephone service. It was my bill. I paid the rent, I paid the bills. It was not his to run up at his convenience. He even admitted once that he did it intentionally to upset me. Which was really disturbing to me. Things were getting progressively worse. We couldn't understand each other. I couldn't understand his deep need to have his father in our lives more than anyone else, and he couldn't understand why I didn't want ANYTHING to do with the man. G was in denial, essentially. He would say things like "well, yes my father did X thing, but he also said the girl came on to him." I knew it was something we'd never see eye to eye over, or at least be able to respect the other's choice.

I actually found out I was pregnant in the midst of all this. Possibly the worst timing ever, not planned but not prevented either. It was terrifying yet exciting. Terrifying because A). I want badly to be a good mother. I do not want my child to turn out like me, and providing a stable home life was crucial. B). His father. I could not stop thinking about it. The first 2 things I said when I found out was 1) Please don't let this baby have my problems and 2) Your father will have NOTHING to do with this baby. I was also scared because there's a history of miscarriages on my mom's side. I spent the time I was pregnant in quiet worry. I begged G not to get too excited. I obsessively checked the toilet paper a dozen times a day. Over a couple of days, I noticed a dramatic drop in my PG symptoms. I didn't have morning sickness. I wasn't that tired, etc. And then, the blood. My heart sank. Everyone told me it's sometimes typical to bleed in PG, but I knew that something wasn't right.

I went to the ER the next day. By then I was in terrible pain, backache and cramps, passing a lot of material. They confirmed that I was miscarrying, and sent me with instructions to get follow up blood work done in 2 days. Something inside G snapped. I felt withdrawn and was isolating. I went to get my beta done, G rubbed my back and held my hand while I just cried against him. We went home, and within an hour he had walked out of the house and I never heard from him again.

We had a pretty mild tiff over the family, don't even know how it came up or what right now. All I know is he said he doesn't need this shit. And I said, I don't need this shit, either! I'm miscarrying our baby and I have no insurance, with a 5k+ medical bill and I am very depressed He just shook his head...Sat down, we talked quietly. Then he went to take a walk and never came back. Just like that, he was out of my life.

That is what I had to assume. For most of the day, I had assumed he was just upset and was having some alone time. But night came and he still wasn't back. The next morning, I was concerned. At this point, I didn't think he had left. So I called his mom to see if she had heard from him, if he was safe. She said she hadn't but would call if she heard anything. She went from calling me several times a day to nothing. And then when I tried to call her a few days later, she would not answer my call nor return it after I left a vm. So it was then, that I pieced together he had gone back to CO. He blocked me on FB and changed his phone number. Emails, no clue but I am sure as I never tried to contact him again after running into those hurdles.

Again, the break up was coming. I knew this. But god fucking damn it, why then? Why when I just found out I was losing our baby? And why THAT WAY? I had to go through it alone, and it was miserable. All those OB appointments, bloodwork, money I don't have just to keep telling me over and over again that I lost my baby. I can't express the grief I feel. I don't think I've ever felt something like this in my life. Although, a wonderful social worker at the hospital helped approve me for a program that paid my medical bills 100%. She was so kind to me. I felt like it was just a little good karma coming my way.

I am going through such a rough patch. I feel it's getting worse as time goes on. I had to pick which thing to grieve first, it seemed, because if I didn't it would consume me.

I feel like I can't do this. I spent a long time single, brought my best and it failed so very miserably. I'm closing off again and it takes all my strength not to down a 5th of vodka and go fuck the closest guy to me so I can forget for 5 minutes. I talk to no one. I go to work, I come home, and I sleep. I feel like a zombie. When I don't feel numb, I am overcome with sadness and grief for the child I lost.

(((Raeni)))

I can't find the words but I want you to know I'm sorry for your loss... your miscarriage and your relationship ending in the way it is. I can't imagine how awful things must be for you right now but don't give up. Keep taking care of yourself, keep focusing on recovery no matter how much it hurts, and you will come through this eventually.



I'm glad your hospital bills were paid for you. That must be some small comfort to you at least. There is some good in the world.

Thinking of you,

Lirael

Jesus, this place is even more dead than it was last year.

Lirael, thank you kindly. I really do appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post with your kind words. They are the first of the kind I've heard since everything happened.

Raeni
Just to let you know that this place isn't dead
Hugs to you from across the sea
Hope you grief well and allow yourself to cry till there are no more tears, then forget this stupid guy.


meremortal

That's a lot to deal with.

I can kinda see why he might have chosen right then to leave, but, still, that doesn't make it less sucky for you. And very abrupt too. Yeah, I know you said it was coming, so in one sense it wasn't at all, but, in the short term it was.

A pretty major double whammy.

I would say it's pretty normal to be in a bad spot mentally and emotionally right now.

And I too think it's good your hospital bills are taken care of. Yay for that.

Thanks mere!

Ellen, I could even see why, too. The pregnancy was the last thread holding our relationship together. He probably saw it as something like "Ok, this was the one thing holding it together, it's over now. I should go." Not to mention any grieving type feelings he may have had with the miscarriage. Our relationship would have just downward spiraled MAJORLY after the loss of the pregnancy.

I do believe men can grieve for unborn children, but I think it's very different simply because the fetus isn't inside their bodies. The bond is so very different. I don't think he could see it from a woman's point of view, and I don't blame him for that. Not to mention all the hormonal changes I was going through that he was not.

I feel that he could have said he was leaving. I would have never fought him on it. I'd still feel bad he'd choose that time to go, as as it stands right then I was stuck with a large medical bill(that didn't get settled until about 2 weeks later) that obviously he wasn't going to help me with, and just in general feeling terrible about two losses at once. Just the respect of saying "We are through, I have to go" was all that I wanted.

But eh, I didn't get it and now I have to deal with that on top of the rest of my feelings. I do feel that there was a reason for this. I feel incredibly guilty for this, but I feel a bit of relief at the miscarriage. Not because I don't want children, but because I was very scared of what would have happened later on. I think of the 'what ifs', G taking the baby to visit his dad and my stomach churns. G was angry with me for not wanting his father in the baby's life(it didn't matter, I was not going to budge). If I at least spared the baby from such things, then I would much rather grieve forever than to have compromised my child's safety and emotional well-being by such traumatizing experiences. I've been there. I would do everything and anything in my power to prevent that from happening to my own flesh and blood.

It feels good to talk about this, I stuff it down as of late.