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 Post subject: How Do You Start Living When You Really Dont Know How?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:33 am 
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Im new here. I just joined this site about 60mins ago or so. I dont mean to jump right in feet first. But, I have been looking for a site in which I can seek out help from people with BPD, people that have recovered, or people that live with BPD that can help or give any kind of advice. I would like to beat this disorder. And, hopefully along with all the other disorders I currently have. Let me tell you a bit about me and what I go through if I may.

First off, I know that sounds like a off the wall question in the Subject line. However, It rings very true in my case. I have spent so many years thinking life was meant to be this one thing. However, It just dawned on me not to long ago that its not. And when it all comes down to it. I have forgetten how to live. No, I dont mean how to breath or walk or anything silly like that. What I mean is, I dont know how to mingle, interact or able to handle being around lots of people for even short periods of time.

Only times I ever get out of the house is when I have to go to work. Or, get sick of being home alone and feeling the way Bipolar, BPD, SAD, OCD, DPD and TBI syndrome makes me feel. So, I go out to a bar and have a attitude adjustment, or two, or three... and so on and so on. Which I know is a bad thing to do with someone that has any kind of disorders. Yet, I seek no professional help and take no med's. So, when I cant handle feeling the way my disorders make me feel I have to go out and self medicate to alleviate those feelings and seek some type of happiness.

There are times when I have to force myself to leave my home to go shopping for food. At times, I will run out of food in the fridge cause Im either to involved with handling Bipolar, SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder, not Seasonal Anxiety Disorder) or BPD episodes. It even gets spas bad that I will not even bother to wash my clothes (as bad as that sounds) and stay isolated and in bed for as long as these episodes last. .

All Ive ever known is strife, sadness and deep emotional pain. Oh and dont forget about negativity. ... I'm trying to change my life and be more positive, yet you can say Im a little lost on how to do so when dealing with all the side effects of my disorders. I know everyone reading this thread is going to say, go see a professional, talk to a counselor, get on some medication that will work for you. Yet, all of the above I would rather not do or have in my life. Ive been to see many counselors through out my life. And none of them have helped, save one, which helped me identify my disorders. Yet, he, as well as all the others have tried to get me to take their medications. Which I absolutely refuse to do for my own reasons. Ive been on med's in the past, and yet again none of them helped. Besides, I dont think medication is the answer.

Personally, I take a multi vitamin and Ginseng tablets to help with my episodes. Although, I still have my ups and down days despite it all. What I want most right now is a change. Yet, how do you change your life when you cant handle interacting with people? How do you make necessary changes to better your life and well being when you cant even handle walking out your front door at times. I know I would do better if I was able to find something I could do for a living if I was alone at work. Where I didnt have to intereact with any, or very few people at a time. Ive had jobs in the past where Ive had to force myself to be around a large crowd of people. Which usually always ends badly for me. I usually end up having to quit my job cause I cant handle dealing with the way it makes me feel being around so many people.

Typically, Im only able to work 3 to 5 months out of the year. Usually by then my disorders start showing their ugly heads and I either get fired or have to quit. Id like to go back to school to learn something new. Yet, I highly doubt I could handle being around so many people at once. Due to having to be in the building with them. I could force myself to do it, but I know in the end, I wouldnt be able to handle it. Not to mention the stress factor of dealing with having to have things done on time. Or, not fully understanding something when its explained. I was hit by a vehicle when i was younger and it has made learning new things more difficult for me. Not that I cant learn, just takes me longer to learn them then others.

Some of my family members have tried to help me with helping get stuff to make solar heaters and panels and selling them to make a living. Yet, the fear of meeting new people always gets to me. There has been an endless supply of idea's thrown at me to help me make a living, yet I cant decide on any of them. The lastest idea is to start a band. Which isnt a bad idea all together. I do love singing, and from what everyone says, Im very good at it. But, things would have to be structured in such a way that it leaves me to have reservations if it would actually work in the end. One thing that would have to be a must is, absolutely no drinking alcohol in my case. Not that I dont or havent drank in the past. But, one thing I do know about consuming alcohol beverages with someone that has disorders like mine. Is it only makes things ok for a short period of time. Then the next day comes and with it comes mood swings and dealing with episodes that are extremely hard to deal with. Often, I have to end up isolating myself away and be alone so no one else has to deal with me. Cause I know Im not an easy person to handle when im going through a episode of any kind.

If anyone has any suggestions or advice. I could really use them. You could say Im at a lose of what to do at this point in my life. And at 35 yrs old. I need to find somehow to be able to start taking care of myself and being able to provide for myself.
Thank you for taking the time to read this rather long thread.
I hope you all have a great and wonderful day
Take care
Casper


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 Post subject: Re: How Do You Start Living When You Really Dont Know How?
PostPosted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 5:30 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 22, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1613
Location: The Carolinas
Hi Casper and welcome! (We're the same age, btw :) )

I can relate to your subject line. It's true. I didn't know how to live until I decided to work on recovery. Now, that's different things to different people. You have very solid ideas as to what you don't want in your recovery (no meds, no professional help). Now you need ideas on what you DO want in your recovery. I'm not going to lecture about self-medicating. You know all that.

Take a look at the site. There are plenty of tools that you can use to learn to change your reactions, thinking, and behavior. It doesn't come overnight. And it's much harder when you're trying to do it yourself without professional help. (Especially since bipolar is a chemical instability that can get great results from meds. I'm the poster child! :) )

Start by looking through the box that says "Tools" to your left. Then ask questions! Lots of 'em. This is a great community. We have folks here in all stages of recovery. I hope you can find something here that can help you.

Again, welcome!

Trin

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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. -- Goethe


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