BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I am 40, married for 13 yrs, have 3 children (9, 4 & 2). I have been in therapy for approx. 7 years for Bipolar Ultra Rapid Cycling, depression, anxiety, ADD... Had to stop therapy recently because my husband was laid off and we have no insurance. I am on disability for Bipolar, but have to wait till Jan 2011 to apply for Medicaid.
Towards the end of my therapy we started talking about the possibility of BPD and now I'm sure that this illness is what has haunted me for so many years...and now I'm not in therapy and so I'm feeling very lost and alone. I'm reading books and going through a workbook on my own, but that's only when I'm not in denial of who I am. So, who am I? I am a mean, selfish, adolescent who blames everything on someone or something else, who can't control emotions and when the mental switch has been thrown in my brain, simply doesn't care. I throw temper tantrums, will look at and talk to my children and husband like I hate them, go into anger rages, leave the house as if I'm never coming back, slam doors, yell at my kids, ignore my kids, tell them to 'Go Away', interrupt my husband constantly, turn everything around on him, scream at him, hit at him, throw things at him...and all of this...all of this in the name of excuses and blame. Why, oh why was I allowed to be a mother? My children are so amazing and wonderful and I am damaging their souls. As I am writing this, I am not in denial... if I was I wouldn't be able to write it. I have been misdiagnosed all these years and so I'm angry about that, because those are the only tools I have in my therapeutic arsenal and they simply haven't and don't work. I'm on Prozac and Topomax, but not regularly. I shoplift on a regular basis. I am a very good liar and lie all the time. I binge eat. I got my family in over $200,000 in credit card debt and we had to claim bankruptcy.
Nobody else in my life has any idea how bad it is - this is part of the denial & lying. If you saw and met me, you would never believe the things I just wrote.
Yes, my husband has stayed with me all these years holding on for some hope, but he is hurt (that doesn't even begin to describe how he feels), angry, depressed and has developed high blood pressure and ulcers due to the stress.
So, here I am...I am ashamed and disgusted and angry with who I am and I don't understand why four innocent people had to be subjected to this life with me.

Hi Helena,

to BPDR.

For what it's worth, BPD IS frequently misdiagnosed. And also, you are not defined by the definition of this disorder alone. You may do/be certain ways, but there are counters for each negative.

So you can't do therapy right now...That's ok, a lot of us have had to go through periods like that. Where it was just us and our books. There's a book list around this joint, somewhere...Here it is - viewtopic.php?f=14&t=1244

There's also good tools over there on the left. The Five Steps, etc. They are really invaluable...And part of my daily life(hell, sometimes hourly).

Hi Helena and welcome.

As Raeni said, BPD is frequently missed or not diagnosed, and rapid-cycling bipolar is, in my experience, the most frequent alternative. Try not to be angry and resentful about this -- it could be because your physician (psychiatrist?) is not as familiar with BPD as some, it could be because you had not fully informed him about some of your thoughts/behaviors which would have been a clue, it could be because BPD is an Axis II diagnosis and thereby less eligible for insurance coverage and your doc was trying to help you by giving you an Axis I diagnosis of bipolar which would benefit you reimbursement-wise. In any event, there is not medication which is specific to BPD, the drugs you have been taking might have relieved some of your symptoms, and if they aren't helping, it's up to you to clearly communicate that to your doctor.

Don't write yourself off because you don't have insurance at the moment and can't afford therapy -- Ash, the owner of this board, faced a similar circumstance, and made a ton of progress on her own by committing herself to getting better and working on it. You seem to have a lot of self-awareness when you put denial aside. I can see a number of issues that I would want to work on if I were you -- anger/rage, deceit/manipulation, impulsiveness with spending, and maybe others. There is NO way through all this without really being straight and firm with yourself and working on it -- it will never get better by itself, and as I said before, there is no medication for any of it directly. So as Raeni said, read through the "Tools" on the left, and start practicing. It takes hard work and patience, but they can really transform life for you. And once you have access to to medical care, then get back in the system, but don't wait for something miraculous to suddenly "fix" you. It would be best for you to have a therapist who can help you steer in the right direction, there might be drugs which would temper your mood swings and anxiety (which fuel your rage), and if you're willing to be totally honest with yourself, you can identify and prioritize your problems and start working on them one by one. It IS possible to have significant success, if you're willing to put in the effort.