BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi all!

My name is Tracy I spent a fair few years posting here a couple of years ago. I have taken a look around and recognise some old familiar friendly faces. There are also many newer members I don't recognise so I thought it best I introduce myself again.

I am 34 years old and live in the Uk. I have 3 children a son 11 and two daughters 12 and 8. I have spent a while in recovery since diagnosis in 2005. I found this board extremely helpful to me and I am looking to refresh my knowledge and use of the CBT tools offered here and look for some support in refreshing knowledge of application in my daily life. I have had a relatively long period of stability in which I have worked mostly on getting used to having a close relationship with my wonderful supportive girlfriend. We have been engaged for a year and hope to marry when we can afford to. I gave up drinking on the 24th December 2009 after finally realising how my drunk behaviour negatively impacts on both my life and that of those I love and care about. I have been sober ever since.

I have been struggling lately with anxiety related to wanting more out of life and how to keep myself steady and not over reach to the detriment of my health and my family life which I am really enjoying. This anxiety has me some what stuck and lacking self belief. Also the old freindly "borderline" thinking has resurfaced and I am skating on a low ebb. So although relatively stable still, my baseline is dropping with the more pressure I put on myself to get more out of life. I am caught in the pressures of expectations which I believe are external, although based on what I do know of myself it is quite possible they are my own.

Look forward to working with you all.

I do have to be careful. One of my other addictions is living life solely through the internet and withdrawing from real life. I am hopeful I can take care of myself in this regards now!

Hi Tracy!

I wonder if there's something "going around" because I too am feeling a bit like ... I don't know what the word is but you said it well with "want more out of life. I've been working with Radical Acceptance of late - accepting that the job front is going to outright-suck for a while, accepting that my work life will be miserable for the time being, accepting that things are the way they are - and it's starting to help. I feel less anxious about "when will things change, when will they get better" because I've let go of the expectation of immediate relief. I'm not thrilled that work-life stinks right now but it's no longer seeping into my non-work-life with anger, depression, anxiety and unfulfilled expectation which has been a major burden-relief.

Hi Ash!

I am so glad I posted that. I don't think I would have considered RA if you hadn't suggested such. Sometimes it is so easy to get stuck in and try and problem solve and worry and then worry about worrying, that the actual issue gets lost in the haze. I can wait and I can do what I can now also to alleviate those stresses running into the rest of my life also. If only I accept things as they are.

I have been trying to move, or well at least thinking about doing so. Trying to decide what is best for everyone and myself. In the meantime, the place is becoming a mess and unless I keep taking care of it, not one person will want to take on my house anyway. On top of that we get to live in a mess because my indecision has me believe I need a resolution before I decide what to do. So I can accept there is no move happening today. I can accept I would like to live in a tidy, well presented house, whether it is here or elsewhere. The added bonus is should someone decide to view my house I wont feel embarrassed about letting them in and showing them around. Neither of those things mean I have made a long term decision to stay or go. That can be made should the opportunities be there and they seem right for all concerned. Acceptance of the situation really does make life more tolerable in the meantime and well maybe I can keep the house under control and nice to be in.

Now to apply that to what to do next, or what job to apply for, or whether i will go on to do some other form of therapy after this set etc etc and I'll be fine to wait and see what will happen and keep living in the here and now.

Thanks for your thoughts Ash!

Glad to be of help.

That said, I can get the same way sometimes - especially when it comes to cleaning house. Sometimes house-cleaning can be a nice distraction or time-filler while you continue weighing the options of the larger decisions.

Hey Tracy -- welcome back! It's great to "see" you again.

Congrats on your sobriety -- that's a great accomplishment. And on your engagement as well -- a good relationship with a supportive partner is a blessing.

I go through periods of dissatisfaction too -- sometimes wanting more, frustrated with where I am in my life, and then sometimes just resigned to things being fairly crappy and without a lot of hope that it will get better. I move forward in little spurts, then slide back a little, but overall I'd say I've made a little bit of progress every year. I'm very afraid of trying to take on too much, or even of hoping too much, because I'm afraid of failure, afraid of having another major meltdown and sliding back down the depression hole, and disappointment hurts.

My mantra for a while now has been "it is what it is." I can try to choose things that hopefully will make "what is" better, but at any given moment, I have to deal with reality. Staying in the present, and not letting myself spend too much time trying to remake the past or divine the future, is key for me.

I look forward to hearing more about what's going on with you.