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 Post subject: Hi there
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:21 pm 
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I don't really know what to say. I'm not even sure if I have an official diagnosis.. but.. I know.
I've been seeing different people since I was about 14. It's always been depression/anxiety/etc. In some areas I've settled down, but in others I seem to be getting worse. I was young and smart, but my impulses and ever changing ideas about things put me in some strange situations. I dropped out of high school and got my GED. I started college at 16 then quit right before finals. I did a lot of drugs and "dated" a lot of people. I told myself I didn't want to get married and have kids, yet I've now been married for 3.5 years and have three children! I married my husband after just a few months of knowing him. I love my kids more than anything in the world and I'm a great mom, but that seems to be the only constant thing in my emotions. Even still, I can get really depressed thinking about what could have been. Then I feel extreme guilt for even thinking it. Family and friends have often asked me the question, "Why do you just let things happen to you?"
I started going back to college after my first baby was born. I have a bachelor's degree in psychology and I'm getting a master's in health education. I changed my major about 10 times and the only reason I picked this master's because it was all online. I waited until the last minute to sign up for it and now I'm not so sure I want to do it. But I've learned I have to suck it up and stick things out.
I'd have to say my marriage is what is suffering the most. From the very beginning I was doing things that I know look back and see were very BPD. (Not that he was an angel.) After a wild couple of years, he had to leave for training last summer for 5 months. I was angry and jealous and soon after he left, I decided we needed to divorce. I did some really odd things including self injury. I ended up seeing a psychologist who gave me the MMPI. He told me I was "borderline borderline," acted as if it was no big deal and proceeded to flirt with me. I, being the attention lover I am, let it go for a while, then suddenly stopped seeing him, On a whim, I decided maybe my marriage could work and immediately decided to have another baby.
My husband and I have since had many ups and downs that leave me wondering what is me and what is a legitimate problem. I recently have started having familiar waves of anxiety. I will feel like something is terribly wrong and/or feel very depressed for hours at a time. I have also started having invasive graphic thoughts that can be pretty disturbing and scary. These thoughts typically involve someone having a terrible accident. For example, I may imagine my husband falling on the concrete and crushing our daughter. I get a clear mental image of what it would look like and it makes me sick. That in turn causes me to tell my husband to be careful when walking with her and he looks at me like I'm crazy.. because he has no idea the process that just went through my head.
I don't really know what to do now. I don't know if I can find a therapist I can trust. I'm hoping to find some support online and maybe begin some sort of self help.
Thanks for reading.


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 Post subject: Re: Hi there
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 6:32 pm 
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Hi kkjm, and welcome to the board.

It doesn't matter if you're "officially" diagnosed or not -- what's real in your life, how you perceive your problems and your coping mechanisms, is what matters.

Check out our "Tools" in the box on the left -- they can be really helpful in figuring out both where you're going astray with your thinking and also how to move forward in a healthier way. It sounds like impulsiveness is one issue for you, and learning how to slow down and respond vs. react would be helpful for you.

Are you being monitored by a psychiatrist? I think it would be good to discuss your strange and disturbing thoughts/anxieties with a doctor. And I hope you can find a therapist who is trustworthy and honest to talk things through as well.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Hi there
PostPosted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 7:49 pm 
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I will definitely check out the tools :) If I can learn to better control and recognize my impulsive behavior, I'm sure it will benefit my entire family.
I'm leery of psychiatrists because I'm terrified of the permanent chemical brain changes from psychoactive drugs. I'm also breastfeeding my youngest and there isn't much I could or would take.
In addition to those problems, I used to work at the local psychiatric hospital and I would be horrified if I ran into an ex coworker as an outpatient :(
Should I find help? Is this not something I can recover myself from?


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 Post subject: Re: Hi there
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 2:50 am 
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kkjm: welcome aboard :)


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 Post subject: Re: Hi there
PostPosted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:02 pm 
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I understand the reluctance to take medications, and obviously while you're breastfeeding, it's out. However, once you've weaned the baby, if you feel like depression and/or anxiety could be getting in the way of your getting better, then it might be worth considering. For me, I've had serious issues with depression, and when I'm really down, I can't think clearly, can't find the motivation or energy to do either physical or mental work, can't concentrate, etc., and that makes it much harder to deal with other problems like BPD. So I've pretty much resigned myself to taking anti-depressants for the foreseeable future. Fortunately I've been stable for a while now. If the drugs are permanently changing my brain chemistry, I figure that so far, at least, it's for the better. But there isn't any medication that's specifically for BPD, so if you're not dealing with somethings that can be helped by them, there's no need to go that route.

It's funny that you mentioned your concern about running into ex-coworkers -- I was an RN, working in an outpatient surgical unit attached to the local hospital, and a few months after having an epic meltdown at work and being put on a leave of absence, I ended up on the Psych unit upstairs for the first of two month-long stays. I never saw any of my co-workers again, other than one I ran into at the post-office, except for my supervisor who came in to let me know that they were letting me go. I've had to be back in the hospital since then for surgery, and I hate knowing that my medical records include the two months on the Psych floor and 20 ECT treatments, and that I'm probably going to see people that I knew when I was a competent and functional member of the staff. So I can relate to your anxiety. That being said, if you need treatment, fear of being embarrassed is a stinky reason to avoid it. If it comes down to it, look for a therapist in a nearby town or something.

As for whether you can recover on your own, without any "official" treatment, I'd say yes, it's possible, but it isn't easy or a short-term project. Not that it's easy or short-term with treatment, but having an objective therapist who can help you reality-check and deal with your anxieties and straighten out your twisted thinking does help, I think. For myself, because BPD was complicated by my depression and because I was 50 yrs old, had never been diagnosed, and had had many years to establish some pretty dysfunctional thinking, I don't think I would have gotten off square one without outside help. On the other hand, Ash, the owner of this board, has done most of her healing on her own, with only occasional check-ins with a therapist. Again, it's doable, and go for it for sure, but if you find yourself really getting stuck, you're shooting yourself in the foot if you avoid professional treatment because of the risk of being seen by somebody you know.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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