BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everybody. My name is Theresa and I am 18 years old and am a college student. Ever since I was 12, I have had problems struggling with depression, anger, social frustrations, and attention seeking behaviors. I have been through countless therapies, hospitals, suicide attempts, etc. The term "borderline personality disorder" often came up. However, since I was not 18 at the time I assume doctors did not want to diagnose me with the disorder. They instead diagnosed me with dysthymia(mild depression).

Now that I am 18(and the BPD seems to be more and more a better fitting term for what is wrong with me), I really want to find out whether or not I have this. I want to get help. I'm sick of this. I need some support. I'm not sure why I am still here because the suicidal thoughts have been worse tonight. I guess I just wanted to leave a post and say that hi, I'm new hear, and really need some support right now. Hope everyone is doing alright.

Hi Teresa.

Wow, can I relate! Unfortunately this board can be a little slow sometimes, but there are some really cool people here so be patient!

No one ever considered borderline when I was struggling with depression and anger problems since age 11. Only relatively recently looked into the disorder when a friend was diagnosed with it and except for one or two of the criteria, I could see everything fitting. My boyfriend at the time agreed, but doctors were extremely doubtful (though they were very quick to diagnose me with OCD when I was 11, which confuses me a great deal). They said "maybe" though, when I asked about it, and I tell people all the time that its what I think fits me better. (Attention-seeking fits me too!)

Anyhow I asked to be put on the waitlist for the DBT group (which, as far as I can tell, is a form of cognitive-behavioral therapy).

There are also the Tools to the left of the screen that you can look at (they're links), the Four Agreements and such. Others are more knowledgeable about it than I. The thing about the Tools is, you have to be able and willing to study and incorporate them, and therein lies the struggle.

I'm writing this in the assumption that you made it through the night, nighttime being especially difficult for me as well. I had the idea suggested to me of having a "worry time" (I'm a big worrier) to help get all the junk out of my head before nighttime rolls around. Haven't tried it yet. Anyhow, I'll shut up and give you the chance to write back if you're there.

-BeWild

Hi, thanks for responding! And yes I did make it through the night. The funny thing is, is that earlier I was feeling great. In fact, I was laughing. Sometimes I think that I have bipolar. Do you ever have that feeling that sometimes you're so depressed that you want to die and other time you feel on top of the word? I don't think bipolar fits me though. I think it's more of the borderline personality disorder. Also, do you feel like you want a relationship with other people but for some reason you don't go out and see that relationship, even when you are given the oppurtunity? I'd love to know that I'm not the only one like this.

Teresa,

I'm not sure what you meant with the relationship avoidance bit. But even if me, as one person, can't relate 100%, another person may be able to relate to the leftover percentage. Its all subjective, of course, and what I think of as similar you may not think is the same at all. I think the important thing to remember is that there are people out there who are happy to be supportive and helpful to you in whatever way they can, and that there is a certain universality to human emotion, which means that there ARE solutions out there.

Its all kind of common sense of course, but hard to remember when you're feeling down.

Welcome to the board!

-BeWild

Hi,

Glad to hear you made it through the night.

I relate a lot to the things you describe.
Both the highs and lows, and the rapid mood changes that come out of nowhere and are hard to control.
The attention seeking/dramatic behavior and so on.

As for relationships - it is just my opinion - I believe that in order to form a healthy relationship - that is togetherness with someone - one has to first learn how to deal with being alone.
So maybe your natural self tells you you are not yet ready to pursue a relationship with someone - as you first need to learn how to maintain your independence - emotionally, mentally - your stability.
Only then you can - as a healthy woman, seek a healthy man to share life or a relationship with.

Also - as far as I understood you are 18 - so maybe you really are not yet ready for a rsp - so you naturally fear it, thought you may already want it - which is like "not a girl not yet a woman" stage (kind of unstable/shaky) in itself (regardless of what you are going through).

When you want a relationship - do you want a partner to fill your needs and complete you, or do you just want someone to have good time with, share love, etc?
If you seek a partner to diffuse loneliness you might find yourself lonely and abused in a bad rsp.
In a real rsp there are moments where you are alone and your partner is also going through some stuff and just can't be there for you 100% - do you believe you can cope with such a situation today?

*hugs* and keep on writing if ever you feel like you need to talk or whatever