BPDRecovery.com: Forums

I've never posted here yet, although I've been lurking here for a little while and finally registered a few days ago, so I should introduce myself...I've never joined a group like this online either, so I'm not exactly sure what to say other than to describe what I've been going through.

After being diagnosed, at various times over my adolescence and young adulthood, with dysthymia, social anxiety, and major depression, and working through those issues, and still not feeling right, I think I may have finally figured out that I am BPD.

I've recognized patterns of behavior in myself that disturb me, mostly relating to my relationships with other people. And I'm finally recognizing that my thought patterns and ways of perceiving the world are not quite right. Once I latch onto someone, especially a potential romantic partner, I can't let go. I will obsess and turn every situation and interaction around in my head until I start going mad. When they reject me I lose it and either shut them out or cling more frantically. In order to feel as if I've regained control I have to punish myself by overexercising and restricting my food intake. Or else I drink too much.

Right now I have the sensation that there is a build up of thoughts, or a pressure in my mind, and it will spill over into oblivion and cause me to do something dumb in order to get relief.

Hi eniarrol,

Sometimes it can take quite awhile to get a PD diagnosis. It's missed, or misdiagnosed. But regardless of whether or not you exhibit traits(I gotta put a disclaimer in here: self-diagnosing can be a dangerous thing!), the tools and skills here, and the insight from these folks are helpful for ANYONE: regardless of their mental state. So if you gain from here, you are surely in the right place.

One of the withstanding key parts to learning to live a healthier life, is self-awareness. And you've got it, you are a lucky duck. And I mean that, I roamed around for a few years without a clue as to what I was doing or what was going on with me. It may feel like a curse, but if you utilize it, it's a huge, huge blessing.

Look forward to getting to know you!

raeni: what do you mean by "once you utilize it, it can be a huge, huge blessing"

Is having BPD also a blessing in disguise?

Just curious

I don't know if I personally would say that.

But some would and I understand why.

I was chatting with a friend, and she told me that she was so glad her mother was an alcoholic. I gave her a little sideways glance, wondering how she was about to elaborate on that one. She said that if it wasn't for that, she wouldn't have been blessed with the gifts and insight she received in Al-Anon.

It's really a beautiful, positive spin on a seemingly negative situation. Her relationship with mom has improved vastly, and she even met her future husband in the program, and overall, she is so much more positive and focused than I've ever known her to be.

What I meant, was utilizing the self-awareness. The moments you have where you say "You know...This is not a healthy way to deal with things", you've got this massive chunk of wisdom right in your pocket and you're probably not even aware of it's power. Once you pinpoint, you can lay out your own little mini map for changing your thoughts and behaviors.

They say ignorance is bliss. I believe that it can be, but I also believe that knowledge and self-awareness can lead to an even deeper level of personal contentment than the surface bliss that ignorance provides.

Thanks for the responses. I'm trying and I was doing better for awhile but I feel like I've relapsed a little and I'm hurting and frustrating right now.

I might have just successfully pushed someone away by repeating my old patterns of trying to get validation by testing him over and over again trying to make him tell me I'm good when I insist there's something wrong with me. Because I know nobody wants to hear that, and it doesn't make people want to save me or something, but I do it anyway because I seem to be bent on self-sabotage.

And then afterward I lose a friend.

What do I do?

Well this is just my humble opinion...

First, you got to accept responsiblity for what you did. Accept that what you did was wrong, but forgive yourself as well.

Then, accept that it is done, the damage has been done. Accept status quo.

Then, think of what you can do to salvage the friendship, and do it. But don't be frantic and all, you know what I'm saying.

And accept that your friend has all the rights to react and respond in ANY way he wants to, because that's his right, and you got to accept that.

I feel sorry for you. Hugs from across the sea.