BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello to all.

First let me say that I am quite nervous to post on here. I'm not one to really post on message boards due to bad vibes and getting harassed on them, but I've been having so much trouble lately that I thought this one would be beneficial.

Last year, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I was going to school to be a makeup and special effects artist. It's been a dream of mine for a long time. While I was at the school, I tried to commit suicide. Being at an art school is quite an experience. While the work is hard, and I knew that going into it, it's hard being around self-centered people who constantly put you down. All the time I was harrassed by my classmates, telling me that my work wasn't good enough and that companys wouldn't hire me. I would constantly compare my work to other students. I would watch them get things right the first time around, and I would set around and struggle at everything. At times, I would have an outburst because I feel that I have no talent, and constantly being put down did not help either. One bad thing about this school, just like any school, is their is tons of favortism, especially by the teachers. I got to the point that I couldn't deal with the constant abuse and the low self-esteem that I felt like my life wasn't worth living anymore. So I tried to kill myself at the school. The school asked me to leave, go get help, and they would decide if they would let me back in the school.

I went back home and was diagnosed with BPD. I did receive help through therapy and counseling. It was beneficial at times, but unfortuantely the past is going to repeat itself. My school accepted me back in on a few conditions. I started back in October and things have not been the same. I was hoping that with the treatment and medication, that things would be better, but unfortunately they have been not. My new classmates have been treating me the same way my old classmates did and the teachers want nothing to do with me. They don't want to help me because they think I am insane and I feel that I can't ask them any questions, so if they explain something to the class and I don't get it the first time around, well unfortuantely I am screwed. I constantly cut myself, I'm at a point in my life where I don't know what I am going to do. I feel like I am in debt to this school. It's so expensive, that I feel like I have to sell everything I own just to pay if off. At times, I feel like I am going to be living in the streets after school because I feel I am not talented enough to get a job. I don't know what I am going to do with my life. I feel like I am screwed and that the world would be better off without me.

I appoligize for such a long letter. I appreciate everone who read this. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who has borderline personality disorder and their families.

Brandon,

Welcome to BPDR! We're a pretty nice group here and the primary focus is on recovery work. From the sounds of it, you might have wandered into some of the NON discussion boards. Those places can be a little rough on folks with BPD.

It sounds also like you're a perfectionist with wanting to understand things effortlessly the first time through. Life doesn't work like that, not for everyone, not for all things.

Have you had a chance to look through some of the Tools (left-hand side) and some of the content on the main site (HOME link upper-right) yet?

There are some good things there that might help you ... specifically the Separation of Stuff area and the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking (as well as the Untwisting part, of course.) I'll see if I can get the Self-Help for Self-Injury content back up there in the next couple of days (we were hacked & had a software switch a while back & we're still getting things back in order.) In the meantime, I would also suggest: http://www.siriusproject.org/basics.htm - it's run by a BPDR member and it's been up for a good number of years. They're stable and very nice folks.

I hope you stick with BPDR too, though. Because I think a lot of the urges to cut can be diminished or eradicated through your BPD recovery work.

heyy, i understand a lot of those feelings.

you need to try and access the reasons that you are cutting. for me it was a way of saying 'help me'. realising that no one could help me, but me and that cutting was not getting me anywhere. accepting truths like that rather than hiding from it helps.

in the moment tho, you forget things like that and you lash out. try and breathe. curl up in a ball, tire yourself out and think 'this will go'.

as for the perfectionism thing. your pinning your happiness, your life and hope on one thing. its like an anorexic thinks it will solve all their problems to stop eating and be 'skinny'. for you its getting the good job and approval. for some its being amazing in bed or having fancy clothes. etc etc

we pin EVERYTHING on events in the future. to the point that we lose the now. we think, when i get ____ it will all be ok. its like a do or die situation you set up. telling yourself i need ___ or everything will crumble.

question that thinking. does it really matter if some people in your college dont like you? doesnt mean everyone doesnt like you. so your going through a shitty time... does that RATIONALLY mean you always will be? .... um no.
so if worst comes to worst... your in debt... so is half the country and yet they still manage to be happy.

people with no money, jobless, no education etc etc are happy.

its not the outside world which you need to concentrate on but yourself. no matter how 'perfect' your life becomes. you wont be happy. because of how you think.

thats where all this therapy shit comes in.

as for friends? for me finding complete emotional and physical independence helped. but now im lonely but it defo has made me less crazy. tho i still sound crazy, maybe i shouldnt be the type of person to give advice on here haha

hope your feeling ok. take care