BPDRecovery.com: Forums

ever feel like you have so much to say, yet dont know what to say?

im sick of feeling like im going to explode. sick of thinking about killing myself abd hurting myself. sick of hurting and losing people i love. sick of all this crazy hurtful behaviour and thoughts and feelings. up and down like a yo yo. loving one minute, hating the next. perfection, then the end of the world.

one second ok, the next the world comes crashing down.

does it ever end? is there anyone on here, who can honestly say they feel better? how? im open to anything.

im controlling the symptoms, well the obvious ' look at me' ones. people think im ok. its all locked inside. inside im freakn screaming, im crumbling. yet i keep on smiling, then i explode and try and kill myself and tell no one.

i used to act out. steal. fight. scream. shout. now i want to but i dont i just hold it all in.

im rambling. i just dont know what to do. therapy sucked. then i quit the second time before giving it a chance.
and now because i have stopped cuttting i dont deserve help( of course that was so triggering)

and i cant even have friends because i get insanely jealous and unstable and a maniac. people say they like me and ask me out and i have to say no. or push them away. i lost the people i cared about because of all this and now i cant do any form of relationship. even friends.

a guy just said they liked me.i felt ok before, now i feel like im on a spiral and want to cut. because someone said something slightly emotional and complimentary to me.

what the hell

Nessa,

It sounds like you could use some of the Tools offered and worked with here. Are you seeing a therapist at all? Are you on any medication that might help stabilize your thought patterns, emotional reactivity and such.

I will just mention that "thoughts are things" so when you say "I can't have friends" or "I get insanely jealous and unstable and a maniac" you're actually perpetuating the very behaviour you're saying you want to stop. Continuing to tell yourself all the bad things you are, think, feel and do, there's very little chance you'll be able to overcome and change those things. Until you're able to practice saying good, nice, positive things about yourself, I suspect you may remain in this cycle of negativity. I hope you're able to commit to making the choice of recovery.

Hi Nessa -
I'm new here as well but I've been through the recovery process and thought I could offer some words of encouragement. I used to be a cutter as well, and I have awful scars on my thighs that I'm so embarrassed of I don't even wear a bathing suit unless I'm around my closest friends and family. I'm currently going through my second recovery (most likely brought on by a hormone change after having a baby). But I know what you are feeling, I couldn't hold down a relationship or friendship that wasn't rocky and always questioned why people are really wanting to be around me because I didn't find myself worthy of love or friendship. It is not the case though, and there are so many options to find help to change your thought patterns. The best decision I've ever made in my life was to admit myself to a psych hospital. The doctors there will be able to point you to resources you never thought were available. And saying that just because you aren't cutting anymore you can't get treatment isn't true, and I'm sorry if a doctor told you that. You saying that you are having suicidal thoughts is more than enough to warrant immediate medical treatment. The hardest thing to do is to reach out and ask for help, but it's also the strongest thing to do. You can't recover alone, and you shouldn't try to. Just joining this support board is a huge step in recovery because you are reaching out and saying you need help. Trust me, I know how dark and scary the place you are right now is, but it DOES get better. I went unmedicated and out of therapy for 2 years, and had I not had a baby I probably would have gone even longer. If you are a reader, you should check out the book "Get me out of here" by Rachel Reiland, it's an amazing autobiography of a women's recovery from BPD and it helped me tremendesly.