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Hello All,

I am a 44 year-old female and I was just officially diagnosed yesterday. I picked up two books, "I Hate You-don't leave me," and "Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies." I was wondering if anyone can give me the titles of more books that may be helpful, or, if there is one book that is considered the "bible" of BPD, I sure would love to buy it.

I still think I may qualify for a diagnosis of Bipolar also, due to extreme racing thoughts, but at least I feel better knowing that my maladaptive ways have a name.

I hope to make some friends on this board. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

So I am reading all the symptoms of BPD and am still really having a hard time seeing me in it. I cannot relate to a lot of it. I don't know if I'm just being stubborn, or if it's just not the right diagnosis. Any advice? I don't like the way I feel right now. Very hopeless.

For instance, Criterion 5: suicidal threats and gestures or self-mutilating behavior. Ok, once I burned myself with a cigarette, in ONE spot. Once I cut my leg, in ONE spot. After a bad breakup, I picked my back and it was covered with scabs, but once the doctor saw it and told me to stop, I did. To me this does not qualify as self-mutilating behavior. To me, self-mutilating behavior would be to tattoo swear words all over one's face, or to burn oneself with a cigarette repeatedly, that kind of thing. I don't see burning oneself once as self-mutilation. Is my interpretation of the word mutilate really that off?

Hi there, Beneficial - welcome to BPDR!

The criteria are designed to be cumulative so if you find yourself agreeing to five or more of them to varying degrees, then yeah, it probably fits. But you're probably partially right in your guess that there's a level of stubborn refusal to accept the diagnosis. For many of us, just learning about BPD was a huge relief because we could see ourselves in the diagnostic criteria right off the bat.

Besides the BPDR book (upper left corner), I'm sure I have a list somewhere. I thought we had a store on Amazon.com but it doesn't seem to be working right now.

Until you you decide whether or not you really identify with BPD, I would suggest holding off on spending more money on books. But if you want a "life story" type of book, you could try searching for Rachel Reiland's book. I think it's called "I Don't Belong Here" or "Get Me Out of Here".

For me personally, regarding Criterion 5, I took way too many aspirin (!) ONE time in high school. And I threatened suicide (by knife) ONE time when I was in my early 20s. And again ONE time (freezing to death in the woods, of all things) in my late 20s. Sure, each of those was only ONE time and they spanned a long-ish period of time. But you know what? Healthy people don't threaten or take actions like that - or like burning or cutting - not even ONE time.

Regardless of what you come to decide about the fit of the BPD diagnosis to your situation and life, there are still some good and helpful tools here and some fantabulous people as well, I might add! So I hope you stick around ...

Hi Ash,


Thank you for the welcome! Well, it's not even that I don't want the diagnosis as much as that I don't want the wrong one, and I certainly don't want anyone seeing me as being a manipulative person. Everything I read says that BPD's are manipulative. I won't say that I have never manipulated anyone (who hasn't) but I certainly have not made a habit of it. In other words, it's not a pattern. A lot of the examples I read are so extreme. For instance, I love being alone. Supposedly that's one of the hallmark features of BPD, yet, I crave being alone, and in fact I am alone 8 hours of the day, and it's still not long enough. I am always dreading when my boyfriend comes home because it seems like he just left and I am not ready to socialize. I am a recluse by nature. I don't like to be around people at all. How does being reclusive translate to BPD? I am really struggling with that!

Another criterion: intense and unstable relationships. I don't know if I would call very many of my relationships intense and unstable. Not most of them anyway, and also, from what I've read, BPD's relationships are short. Mine have lasted years. So I am confused by that as well.

I have repeatedly asked for a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, but my psychiatrist says he doesn't believe in rapid cycling, and since I have multiple mood swings in a day, he says Borderline is a better fit. Another thing I really struggle with is racing thoughts. Nothing in what I'm reading about BPD indicates severe racing thoughts, like with Bipolar. Another thing that's bothering me is this: he says that since I am responding to the Gabapentin, that means I have BPD.

I guess I am just really confused. I am reading the book on BPD and as you said, many BPD's find that just reading about the criteria you recognized yourselves right off the bat. Well, I don't see me very well at all in there and I am really trying. I have been reading this book most of the day and struggling really hard to "find" me in the criteria and it is just not happening. Could someone please tell me, is it possible to have BPD but love being alone? Could someone have BPD and not have had very stormy relationships? Yes, looking at the criteria I have quite a few, enough to make the diagnosis, but I don't have the "hallmark" symptoms. Frustrating!

Thanks for your response.

For what it's worth, I'd prefer to be alone WAY more than I want to be around people. But that's completely different from rejection or abandonment. If it's my choice, totally cool. If it's someone else's, ugh - watch out!

Heyy-

I can't diagnose you, but I think keeping in mind that there are degrees of certain things and it's reallly the thinking behind the behaviors. The DSMV isn't the end of the diagnostic criteria, especially for people who are "high functioning".

My undiagnosed x is a BPD person, he was married for 15 years. THAT was not the one thing that mattered, what was important was what happened in that marriage, why he stayed, how he left and to whom he was married. he married is BPD opposite. he is acting in high functioning, he married an acting out high functioning. That was a perfect match in terms of no one leaving, but they hurt one another terribly and they destroyed their children.

I can't diagnose you- but I can say, if you think outside the box a little bit...like maybe you don;t do drugs, but you drive too fast or walk on known dangerous streets alone at night....or smoke(like me) because it's the only form of suicide that's "acceptable" (and not really anymore)... do you smoke? There is A LOT of interesting reasearch about how nicotine acts like anti deporessants...

anyway...i can't diagnose you, but as you search for what does really fit for you, you may want to just think a little more "creatively" about what the diagnostic criteria is trying to ask us...is what we are doing helpful or not?

Hi there,

I appreciate your replies. Hmmm, well from the sounds of it, there are a lot of people with BPD. Yes, I smoke. I guess I wouldn't consider that a symptom of BPD. I couldn't find it anywhere in my books. But I am sure I will keep learning new things. I don't walk on KNOWN dangerous streets at night, actually I used to walk a lot at night, because no one was out and I preferred not to come into contact with people, and though our area sees a lot of crime, there is none that close to me that I know of. I certainly would not walk around at night if I knew the roads were particularly dangerous...one I can think of is maybe two miles away, a bad strip at night, I would never walk there. I never drive too fast. I am lucky if I can get the truck up to speed. Driving fast makes me nervous. But then, everything makes me nervous. Barking dogs make me shake, quite literally, with nerves. Ugh.

I really don't know if I have BPD or not. I am trying to accept it and "find" myself in the diagnosis, and yes, get creative. I read the post, too, about liking to be alone, if it was the person's choice to be alone; I can somewhat relate to that. I guess I would say I am a recluse, and if I had the financial means I would leave my boyfriend in a heartbeat and be free of his tyranny. I would live completely alone. I don't really worry about being abandoned. I am always trying to figure out how to get away from people. I do know I could go weeks without contacting a human through any means. The thought of not being able to have sex when I want it though, now there is another story. Certainly I don't intend to be gross or indecent at all about the topic, I just mean that if there is one fear I have about relationships, it's about sex. I do feel bad to say it, but it is the truth, and I have to investigate the truth to understand. I really only am ever after a man for sex and for no other reason. In other words, I don't have much use for them. Sorry to say. But then, mostly the same holds true for women. I can't seem to keep friends with them. I have tried in vain all my life. But, I was picked on so terribly as a child due to medical problems that I began to hate women at a young age. I still abhor teenage girls. It didn't help that all of the women in my family rejected me - long story. I am mentioning these things because I did read about some of this in my books, about abuse and the relation to BPD. I was abused by almost everyone in my family. I never thought my Mom was abusive until about a year ago, when I really starting thinking hard about our relationship. Now I find I do not want her in my life, and not sure how to handle it.

There is so much to consider with BPD. It's interesting the way it overlaps with Bipolar to the point where it's hard to spot the difference. And, yes, I do think outside the box and yes, I am certainly odd. Most people would describe me as strange, I am sure. LOL. More than a bit of a misanthrope. Definitely a misogynist. Ouch! I hate to feel that way. I certainly don't mean to offend you ladies taking the time to answer me. I do appreciate it. I recognize that hating people is not good for me. I just am hoping that with time I will become less hateful.

The good news is that the Mirtazapine has lifted my depression considerably. Nothing else was working. Also, I am taking Gapapentin, the lowest dose, and almost immediately I noticed very positive changes. For instance, now I can sleep at night, MOST of the time, tonight being an exception, but I took a nap, so there you go. I find I am not so bothered by my emotions. They are more manageable and I don't have to put myself to bed anymore. The panic attacks disappeared completely. I can concentrate 20 times better than I could before. Also, I can stick to tasks without having to force myself or worse, just giving up. I get a lot more done than I used to. The only drawback is that I am a writer and guess what...most of my creativity flew out the window. I don't like that part at all. I hope that it becomes less noticeable over time.