BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi All -
I am 26 years old, diagnosed with BPD, GAD, and depression 5 years ago. I went through years of therapy and meds, also a hospitalization and outpatient DBT program and was deemed "recovered" 2 years ago. I came off my meds (thankfully) 2 months before an unplanned pregnancy with my now 11 month old son. I am still with his father, although we are not married and no plans to get married anytime soon have been made. I was doing fine and handling my emotions well until this past September. I'm not sure if it had something to do with me stopping nursing (the hormones maybe?) or just the fun cycle of BPD but I have been progressively regressing into my old emotional habits over the past few months. Yesterday I met with a psychiatrist who put me on Cymbalta 60mg, Abilify 5 mg, and Vistaril 50mg and have made an appt with a new therapist for the 24th. I'm not anywhere near where I was 5 years ago, but now that I have a child I am trying to be proactive in treatment so that he never has to see me act out or hospitalized. I'm frustrated and a little hopeless more than anything over my recent relapse and could definitely use the extra support and understanding I'm hoping to find on this forum during my second recovery. Have any of you ever been through a second bout after being deemed "recovered" and how did you handle it? I appreciate any feedback.

Welcome to BPDR!

My thought would be that if you didn't go back on your meds after your son was born & stopped nursing (cuz that stuff can be passed through the milk), that's probably what's causing the regression. Hopefully resuming the meds will help give you a more stable platform on which you can reclaim your recovery.

We're glad you're here for the second part of your journey!

That does makes sense because the old emotions started coming back right after I stopped nursing, when he was about 9 months old (he got his first 2 teeth and bit me and that was the end of that!). I had a bout with post-partum depression for about 3 weeks after his birth but my doctor said it was normal and because I was still functioning he saw no reason to medicate me because I would have to stop nursing and that was very important to me. But this time around it's not just the depression acting up, I have awful paranoias that I cannot control and my "flight or fight" reflexes kick off constantly, even when there is no reason for it. I cannot sleep at night, I lie in bed for hours and I wake up every 2 hours even though my son has been sleeping 10-12 hours since he was 4 months old. I'm just frustrated that I'm having to go through this all over again, and worried that if I have another baby in a couple years that it will bring it back on again.

From the sounds of it, the pregnancy and nursing helped keep you on an even keel. So perhaps it's the hormonal balance that was doing the trick and in the absence of that, medication would be required to restore the equilibrium.

Since the prescriptions for the new medications were written less than a week ago, I would suggest focusing on controlling your impulses long enough to let rational thought seep in until the meds build up to a working level over the next couple of weeks. You recognize that the paranoia is there; remember that and don't cave into the "fight or flight" - try to talk yourself down from it as often as possible. If not for your own sake, for the sake of your family as well.

welcome!

I am not a doctor so I can't diagnose you, but maybe you could try looking at the medical stuff to make sure there isn't anything going on there- like a hormone imbalance- integrative medicine professionals can help you there (both saliva and blood can be collected to check)- a low grade thyroid thing maybe? Just a suggestion to double check that medically you are sound...

Maybe getting with a DBT or CBT therapist right away so you take the issues to a pro instead of to your h or out on your son or yourself...we all need a personal, private advocate from time to time...

How is your routine? Are you sleeping right? eating right? exercising?

New mothers can feel overwhelmed. Are there specific things you need help with? Do you need to get out more? Can you think of ways to get those needs met on your own (i mean by at least organizing them or planning for them) Is that maybe part of what's happening with you/

You are a whole person. I think it's important to look at you that way- as a whole person with specific needs for specific times.

surreal

As far as medical problems go, the only issue I have is anemia and I take iron supplements everyday for that. My sleep habits are horrible, I have trouble falling asleep and I wake up often even though my son has been sleeping 10-12 hours a night since he was 4 months. Unfortunately, the only DBT program in my area is already in a rotation and I can't get in for 6 weeks, and even that was by pulling strings from a counsler who took interest in me. I'm a stay at home mom and full time student (night classes) and I don't have any health insurance so my options are limited as far as where I can go for treatment. I was able to find a clinic nearby that works on a sliding scale but they are always very busy so getting in with a therapist and DBT has shown to be a slow ordeal. When I went in for my initial intake, they told me it would be another month before they even had an opening in the med clinic. I waited a week and then did an emergency walk-in (waited 3 hours to be seen but worth it). It's very different from my past experiences with treatment while insured. As far as my needs go, I know I need to get out more but school really helps with that. I've had the past 3 weeks off school and I've been going stir crazy. I miss working because of the validation it gave me, but I know staying at mom is what's best for my son right now, and my boyfriend feels very strongly about it. I feel once I get back into a DBT program that it will help me tremendously. The last DBT program I was in, I was highly medicated and most of it is just a blur now. At least this time my meds aren't as sedative. Thank you both for your replies and support. It really means a lot to me to be able to reach out to others who know what this feels like.

hey cal - hang in until you get into the class...the time will FLY!

I'm sorry about the anemia- that can really be nasty- I am glad the suppliments are working!

You sound pretty ontop of it in this post...you are self directing treatment, you are a full time mom of an infant and a full time student!

GREAT!

Thank you surreal, I often doubt myself and my abilities and it's hard for me to see how far I've come unless it is pointed out to me. I didn't even realise I was self directing treatment until you said it, and that's something I should be very proud of. I'm not as bad off now as I was 5 years ago when I was hospitalized, I've come so far since then. I'm just trying to be proactive this time around and get it under control BEFORE it gets to that point, for my sake and mainly for my son's sake. I cannot ever allow him to see me that way and I refuse to go down that road again. The meds are helping with my depression, but my anxiety and paranoia are still about the same, as well as my sucky sleep habits. Thank you again for the support. It's very important to me to talk with others who actually know what this feels like.