BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Tani. I am Tani, and I am here. I am 39 years old, diagnosed with bpd @ the age of 13 which is when I began my tour of Northwestern US mental institutions.

I am old now, I am tired. I have a very sad, biter, disgusted view of humankind, myself included. I dont meltdown or freakout anymore like I used to. I seem to have learned finally the long term consequences of sharing any of my complex psycho-emotional world with anyone. I scare people, make them uncomfortable. They lie to me and hide things that they think might upset me which manipulates my reality in a way that greatly offends me. I struggle in private, Ive learned to sob without making a sound, movement, or even change in the rhythm of my breathing so not even my husband lying next to me in bed knows. It upsets others when i am upset, period, and if I cant add to the quality of anyone's life the least I can do it stop sucking the joy out of them. Right?

I fantasize about death and sometimes about the self mutilation I once found great comfort in. I fear the loss of my liberties should I share how I really feel. Resources in my area are laughable. I sink deeper and deeper into myself, which I know is a nasty place to be. I know I need validation and acceptance and that neither has been easy to come by. So it's not a good place but I feel safe here in my sickness. Kind of.

I hear your pain and loneliness, Tani -- you've been fighting this for a long time, and I can relate to feeling tired of the struggle. But I hope you won't give up, now or later. Try to open your mind to goodness out there just a little. Ten years ago I had totally given up, wanted nothing more than to be dead, was hospitalized and had ECT. It was during my second stint in the hospital in 6 months that I first heard of BPD -- I was 50 years old, and had obviously been struggling with this since my teens. My previous attempts at treatment had always been sporadic and basically ineffective, so I never really stuck with them, and the BPD had never been picked up on. Well, it's been a tough 10 years, but I've stuck with therapy, ended some toxic relationships, worked on finding some more-supportive people to be around, and I'm much better. Perfect? No. But definitely not so desperate, and actually thinking a few years down the line instead of constantly thinking of ways to end my life. It's been worth it, and I hope you'll hang in there and keep up the fight.

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like you're severely depressed. Quashing who you are for the sake of serenity around you seems to be taking a large toll on you. I think it would be very beneficial for you to work with a good therapist to work through the reasons why you used to (or would today if you allowed yourself) meltdown or freakout. If you can get through the underlying components instead of trying to pretend they're not even there, you might have a shot at enjoying life for once.

A bigger question I have for you is: what makes other people so much more worthwhile and valuable that it's so critical that you make yourself utterly miserable? Do you really think that little of yourself?

To a certain extent, I don't think it's really appropriate to dump the entirety of our emotional baggage / mental health struggles onto other people under the guise of "getting support" but in some contexts (such as here) it's more understandable and even expected than just the random public at large - like people at church or work or the library or wherever. But I will say that I think the bigger a deal we make it, the more uncomfortable other people can get. If we launch into "OMG, this disorder totally sucks and it has completely ruined my life" it will make people freak out. If we just say "Yeah, workin' thru some stuff" and move on, people won't be nearly as bothered by it. Or if we leave out the mental health component entirely and just focus on the core aspects like "When faced with rejection, how do YOU handle it?" they are actually willing to open up & share with you which can help you figure out what you could do to handle things better than simply shutting down, quashing your Genuine Self entirely and sobbing without tears or movement.