BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Let me start out by saying that i have not been cliniclly diagnosed with bpd as an adult yet, but it was diagnosed when i was a child. I have read that most clinicians will not diagnose children anymore, and why but i dont think it applies in my case. I have been showing signs of bpd based on findings from the internet after having some very stressful situations with my marriage.

My wife and i have been married for 6 years now. We didnt used to fight, i would just give in and always be the knight in shining armor. Anything she wanted anything she asked for always out of fear that she would leave me. Our relationship was built on truth and honesty and we have been happy. When my wife and i met we laid everything out from our past including that she was bisexual. I didnt think this bothered me, if she wanted that it was her prefrence. About 8 months ago she began dating a woman and became very bonded to her. When this happened all of my old emotional habbits and fears, anger and self distructive risk taking came back. I started acting like i did when i was younger. I started telling her i was ok with what she was doing but manipulating everyone around us to feel sorry for me and draw attention to myself. It got to the point that without saying go away, i went away emotionally. My wife hates me at this point and we will most likely divorce. I have started the process of seeking therapy and have an intake scheduled for tomorrow with a clinician.

From everything im reading and now taking the time over the past few weeks to self-analyse i see most of what she sees me doing and i see that she is not just trying to be mean....but actually showing me that i havr been verbally abusive and emotionally screwed up. I believe i am starting to recognise trigger points to my thinking. I am glad to have found the site will update my post once i meet with the clinician.

Just as i feared i have been diagnosed with bpd. Met with my new caseworker and psycologist today. Even though i thought i was coming to terms with what i had been reading, i dont think i was ready to hear somone else say it.

I talked with my wife and explained how my session went and basiclly what was said. I dont know if she is going to work through this with me or not. I also worry that if i point out to her what im seeing as some of my trigger points will be misconstrued as some sort of fight or me being mean.

Corwin--

I don't know if this is how its been for you, but it seems like you've been quite brave with taking the steps to find out what's going on with you and your marriage and seeking help for yourself.

Personally, I would not be okay with my significant other becoming involved with someone else-- it doesn't matter the gender. But I can also see how quickly it could become complicated, especially for someone with BPD.

I'm a little confused about why your wife would take your discussion of triggers personally, especially if you presented it using the "Separation of Stuff" tool and took complete ownership of your feelings and actions.

Have you heard of Nonviolent Communication? I really like that book. It suggests that you mention 4 things in every communication: Observations (not Judgments), Emotions, Needs, and Requests. If you were to use the formula for that I think it would go something along the lines of:

"When you (specific action, words, etc.) I feel triggered and I usually respond by (actions you take when triggered) because I feel (name of emotion) and am needing (name of need, i.e. to feel safe) and that is the only way I know how to get that need met."

You also need to think about what you reasonably expect her to do. Do you want her to not do the things that trigger you? Do you want her to treat you a certain way when she notices certain trigger behaviors from you? Do you want her help in getting your deeper needs met?

Once you figure that out, you can ask her for her help.

If you do all that, I don't think she'll take it as fighting, but... you never know.

Hope I helped.

-BeWild