BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hello.

I used to be an active member here, years ago. Those who were around when I was will probably recognize me/my story/my style. I don't want to go back to that username. It's extremely painful and I'd rather just leave it behind, because that story is way ancient history.

I'm not suicidal. My relationships, for the most part, are excellent, and there's little real strife in my life, that I don't go looking for, at least. Which is, of course, an extremely bad habit but that's not the main issue.

The main issue is that while I'm not suicidal, I'm depressed, I'm anxious, and my "inside" life is a wreck, and no one knows it, because there's nothing anyone can do to help, so why bother talking about it, right? After all, no one but I knows my genuine self. And I don't- and actually, never have- known what that genuine self looks like.

here's the status:

Full time student
Full time employee
Married 2 1/2 years
Spouse has health problems that might be dangerous
I have health problems that are no threat but are immensely painful
A procrastination habit that's put me in danger of failing my classes for the last five or six in a row (including the one I'm in now)
Absolutely no sense of "who" I am

I don't even know where to start. Due to those health problems (that I procrastinated with long enough to send me to the ER in September, and result in 3 days of being unable to eat or sleep at all- NOT an exaggeration- in late January) I'm way, way behind in class. I still have last week's assignment to even start, my finals to work on (three of them) and the day these are due, I'm getting a tooth pulled.

I know this website deals with BPD. I thought I had it, years ago; my therapist says unequivocally that I do not. But, when I left this site years ago, it allowed for a wide range of issues, and I don't even know how to begin looking for support for the anxiety and depression "freezing" me up in just about everything, so completely.

Please help me.

Hi Ulrich, and welcome back. We have never required a BPD diagnosis to be a member here, and still don't. All that matters is a desire to work toward happier and healthier living.

You're still seeing a therapist, yes? Are you taking medication for your depression and/or anxiety? If the depression, etc., has you basically paralyzed, so you have no mental or emotional energy to motivate you or to work on your problems, it can help. Though it can be difficult to find the right drug(s) and the optimum dosage, it might be worth it to try, if you haven't. Your procrastination in your classes might be related to the depression and anxiety, and it would help your self-esteem if you could resolve that and pass your courses, as well as just relieve some of the anxiety of being constantly behind.

As for "who you are," I have struggled with the same thing, especially when my life totally fell apart and I no longer had my normal roles at work or in a marriage or in my home. About ten years later, it's still a work in progress, and I don't know if I can really articulate who I am, but I have realized this: my basic views of life, my likes/dislikes, my views on politics and social issues and so forth are pretty stable, and I no longer feel like I have to pretend to be someone I'm not just to fit in in most situations. I read a lot, both fiction and non-fiction, I keep up with current events, and I form my own opinions about everything instead of taking on the opinions of others and appearing to be some sort of chameleon who changed her whole basic personality depending on who she was with. I'm still very often uncomfortable in social situations -- I feel like I have to put on a mask of competence, so people won't find out that I'm damaged goods underneath -- but when I get out of those situations, I revert to "me," whoever that is, instead of obsessing about who was better than me or how I need to change me in some way. I don't know if that makes sense.

It's OK if you (as in anybody) like vanilla better than chocolate, you're conservative rather than liberal, you don't believe in organized religion, you're into sports, you like to wear bright colors, etc. What makes you you doesn't mean trying to fit yourself into a box defined by someone else. You just are, and we're all complex. If there are things you want to change, that's cool, and I highly encourage it if it will lead you to better health and happiness, but do it for you and not for somebody else. Knowing who we are is mostly, I think, a process of just understanding and accepting who we already are, rather than defining a certain type and then trying to morph ourselves into it. We're all "genuine" without even trying. We can change, if we want to, but that doesn't mean that the old stuff wasn't genuine and the new is.

The board is quieter now than it was a few years back -- not that many of the old guard still around -- but don't hesitate to ask questions or comment wherever you'd like, and hopefully someone will jump in with a response.

Thank you, Sari.

Man, you're not kidding that it's quieter than it used to be. At first I was like, "Moderated posting? Huh... bots must have found the place..." and then I was like, "Wow, I remember it being slow on the weekends but not this slow!"

I am kind of seeing a therapist, in that I have one, I plan to go back, but I had to put it on hold. The dental issues kicked up really bad in November and I had to leave an appointment before I was even seen, because I was in so much pain I could barely open my mouth. Talk therapy isn't going to do one much good if one cannot talk. As the dental stuff is just getting sorted, I haven't been back yet, but I will.

There's no doubt in my mind that the procrastination is linked to my anxiety and depression. The idea of medication scares me. I've tried several, over the course of roughly 15 years. The last one was in 2006. It jacked up my blood pressure (to the point where my psychiatrist considered sending me to the ER, actually), made me completely lose my appetite (to the point of only being able to comfortably eat like, 200 calories a day, if I remembered to), and completely unable to sleep. Also, some very uncomfortable and intrusive compulsions.

I've self-medicated with some success in the past with St. John's wort, B6 and a homeopathic thyroid support, but the thyroid is cost-prohibitive right now and B6 pills taste like ick. St. John's Wort is on hold because I'm not telling my doctor that I'm on it (bad me, I know) and I'm on like, 5 prescriptions right now. Don't want to risk an interaction.

That said, I've wondered a lot if I should actually try again. I know what medications I tried and failed with, and why; and even 5 years is a long time in the pharmaceutical world, let alone 15.

The big block for me, to getting in to see a psychiatrist, is that, according to the outside world, all is completely copacetic with me. My spouse knows something is wrong (not because I tell them, but because they know me pretty damn well) but that's about it. Spouse doesn't know how to handle it, especially since I'm outwardly acting like nothing is wrong. I can't admit anything is wrong because people have bigger problems than I am and I'm just lazy and cause all my problems myself.

There's a huge amount of twisted thinking in there, but I don't have the spoons to untwist it right now. I think, once I get my finals done, I'll mosey onto Untwist and start chipping at that paragraph. It's a big deal for me to be able to say all that. Even as I type this, I want to delete it, because, well... see the paragraph, lol.

I'm still mulling over the identity thing. There is A HUGE PINK ELEPHANT with regards to pretending to be someone I am not. That's pretty clear by the inner turmoil/outer calm thing. I'm still thinking about your words.

Thanks again for replying.

I know there can be sticking points, but I hope you'll keep your options open.

This all strikes home especially for me, not just because of my own psychiatric history and all the people with similar problems who've wandered through BPDRecovery, but because I have a son (adult) who is having serious mental health challenges. He is aware that medication and various therapies only have limited success rates, and even though he's aware intellectually that this is because individual brain chemistry is unique so treatment has to be specifically tailored to the patient, he's decided that pretty much everything probably won't work so why bother trying.

So get your dental problems taken care of, and then start figuring out what to do about your depression and anxiety. Your spouse may be oblivious now, but if you don't make headway on this one way or another, he's going to figure it out when you crash and burn. There's no reason to avoid treatment just because other people have worse problems, or because you seem to be causing your own problems. We can be self-destructive for sure, but there's an illness behind that, not just stupidity or callous disregard for ourselves or the people around us.

Checking out the Twisted Thinking is a good start while you get your dental issues straightened out. Then I hope you'll get back with your therapist and at least discuss medication with him/her and/or your psychiatrist.