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Hello all,

I am 40 years old. I've been married for 15 years and have a 13 year old son. I was recently hospitalized and have been diagnosed BPD with Major Depression. I've been on the SSRI roller coaster for 16 years. My General Practitioner has been the one to prescribe my SSRIs. They would work for a while then stop. I would switch and be OK for 6 months to a year, then repeat the cycle for 16 years. My impulses have mostly been kept in check with the medications. When I was younger in my teens and early twenties and not on medications I would act out with drugs, alcohol, sex and relationships.

About 2 years ago I believe the wheels came off the wagon. My parents had recently died, my wife started an accelerated masters program which kept us from being close and I was cycling though medications. I felt more and more alone and unappreciated.

About 2 years ago I started seeing escorts to fill the hole that wasn't being helped with medications. To feel desirable, for attention to not feel alone. Two days before Christmas my secret was found out. I lied any which way I could to cover up my deceit and finally came clean after weeks of revealing the truth little by little. My wife was devastated. My son no longer wants to see or talk to me. I was going to kill myself with pills and was talked out of it by my brother. Thats when I was hospitalized and diagnosed. I am now separated from my wife and son. And she is preparing for divorce.

For the past month I've been on different meds, and started to feel better, but now am going back into a dark depression. I'm seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist, I'm going to support groups for depression, and signed up to start DBT. I am still suicidal. I've been window shopping for guns. My wife is practicing "No Contact". Last week I threatened to kill myself again, and she told me "I hope you do kill yourself". I am feeling devastated. I feel more alone that I've ever felt in my life. I want to get better but don't see the point. I have no idea who I am or what I enjoy. I want to change meds but am afraid of them taking another month to start working.

My wife and son are the only thing that matter to me and they no longer want me. I know what I've done is disgusting and inexcusable. I take full responsibility for my destructive actions. But now I just want sympathy for my illness. My wife's "no contact" policy is pushing more and more to self destruction. I want to show her that despite what she reads on other boards it might not be the best thing. I want to end my pain. I don't want to cause anymore pain for my family.

I'm just rambling, but that is where I'm at.

Hi!

Welcome to BPDR!

One thing I've learned (though haven't been able to put into practice) is that everything takes time. Knowing that doesn't help when you're in the middle of the darkness, but looking back it usually makes sense to me that the secret ingredient was simply time. This isn't always the case, but I find for me it usually is. Maybe in time your family will forgive you, maybe not fully, but perhaps a little bit. Things may never be the same as they were, but I wouldn't jump into thinking that the way things are now is the way they'll always be.

Usually when I'm suicidal its because I'm focused on a personal flaw I think I have, and I'm convinced that my life will forever be miserable because of it. I don't know the answer. I'm still in the very beginning of my journey to recovery, after all these years of being off and on medications. But I don't want to die, when I really sit and think about it. I have too much good in my life and I don't want to hurt those who care for me.

I guess what I'm saying is hang in there. Maybe eventually your wife will be open to less regular contact, like letter writing. Maybe you can take this opportunity to reach out to other friends and family, or by writing on here. Focus on recovery. You're in good company here.

-BeWild

Thanks for the welcome and words of encouragement.

I really feel like I'm in the thick of it. I'm tired of people thinking I'm just playing games. That I'm just trying to manipulate. I am in crisis. I think about suicide everyday. All the time. I don't have a lot of family. 2 brothers and a sister and they all live in different states. My wife and son were my life. I defined myself through them. I know that's not normal but that is the reality. My wife tells people about my seeing prostitutes. She has said she will tell anyone I eventually start dating about them. She has said on more than one occasion that she would like me to kill myself. How could I even live with myself.
We were married for 15 years. I wasn't completely worthless for all 15 years. I know I've hurt her and the family. But I can't believe someone would say those kinds of things to someone with a diagnosed mental illness. It shakes me to the core. I really feel like ending it all.

I have seen what she says about me on other boards. The boards for "Nons" that seem to think people with BPD can never get better, that we are evil, that we are a waste of time. They laugh at us. They are so much better, but there they are making fun of the mentally ill.

This is not a game to me. This is my life. I know I'm not "normal". I know I have major problems. I am very sorry for my actions and the pain I cause.

The 1 You Feed,

I hope its alright that I keep writing to you. Hopefully someone else will pop in and put in their two cents as well.

At times I wonder if I'll ever truly grasp what its like to live in the kind of pain you're describing. I kind of hope not, but at the same time it kind of suggests that at one time you were at least fairly happy. I, at least, know its not a game, not malevolent manipulation... its real. People like us... I've done my own share of self-injury and suicidal ideation and I take this sort of thing seriously. Please stay safe.

I'm sorry your wife feels the need to do and say the things she has... its her pain that's causing her to say those things, and while she has a right to feel hurt, you don't have to agree with what she's saying and shouldn't take it personally, as hard as it is to do so.

I'm currently transitioning from being in a strictly monogamous relationship, which had its own host of problems, to being in an open relationship with the same guy. Its hard for me sometimes, but its given me a different perspective on what love is. Personally, if I were in your wife's position, I'd be more hurt by the fact that you lied about it then anything else, though I can understand why you did.

As far as recovery, there's a lot of tools out there (coincidentally, have you checked out some of the self-help sites for BPD out there? there's also some tools listed on the left side of this page) Hopefully things will start to get going for you in the DBT program and with your psychologist there to support you.

I ascribe to the belief that people with BPD are neither normal nor abnormal... though developed abnormal coping mechanisms, abnormal thinking patterns. But hey, that's just me.

Take care,

-BeWild

Your story is so sad, but it really hit home with me. I think for starters you should stop reading the things your wife is posting on the other forums, actually just stop reading the other forums altogether! It's not helping anything. I started to read some of that stuff when I was first researching BPD and I felt my stomach just knott up & I thought I was going to vomit. I was horrified to find out what people think of others with BPD. I couldn't believe all the supportive books for people who have been affected by a loved one with BPD and how little books there were for the person actually suffering with it! It made me feel like I was a useless & dangerous person. I finally banned myself from reading that stuff because I realized that those people have been badly hurt & were just trying to cope (sometimes in a not so healthy manner). But assuming ALL people with BPD are awful just because ONE person hurt you is like thinking all black people are awful because one broke into your house & stole your things. It's totally irrational! Don't get sucked into it.

You CAN build your life back. I know your wife and kid were your world. You can build a new one, and some day try to repair your relationship with your child. But you need to give it time. They are really hurt right now and you need to give them space to grieve. Use that time to work on yourself.

I feel for you, I really do! I used sex as an outlet for self destructiveness also. I cheated on my husband, I used to spend hours surfing through gross internet ads for married people looking to cheat & casual encounters. I seduced a guy at work and lied through my teeth in an effort to get him to have an affair with me. I am completely disgusted with myself most days. But I am determined to forgive myself and become a better person. It's a long road ahead, but we can do it. I think this will be a great support system for both of us!

I, for one, know well that what you have done in the past and what you are going through now is not a game. The pain you describe is very raw and unfortunately for me, very familiar. I have no words of wisdom to alleviate the pain you feel, but for me, somehow, I feel better just knowing that I am not the only one who suffers this way. Of course, I would never wish this kind of suffering on another, just so that I am not alone in it, but rather, it assures me that I am not just some freak of nature; some kind of mistake; or that I am just being tortured by some malevolent god (well, okay truth be told, I still often think that god is torturing me). Knowing I'm not the only one helps assure me that it is not just me being a piece of shit (though I am often unable to remember that in the moment of crisis), but rather that I have a very real, and very serious mental illness. An illness for which I am seeking help; from other BPD's as well as professional help. I hope that you, too, are receiving some professional help for this, and that you are being open and honest with them about what is going on in your head.

When someone in therapy or at an NA or AA meeting tells me that they care about me, my first reaction is usually like: "BULLSH$%T!, how can you possibly care. You don't even know me, and if you did, you certainly wouldn't care about me!" However, I was at a meeting one day, and I met this kid who was going through opiate withdrawls. He told me that he had more at home, and that he was worried that he wouldn't be able to flush them. I told him to call me when he got home, and I would talk him through it. He didn't call. I called him 5 days in a row, hoping to get ahold of him, but he never answered. I don't know if he lived or not, but I felt such an overwhelming empathy for this kid that it made me cry. I cared..truly cared about a total stranger...because I understood the pain he was suffering. So when I tell you that I care about you, and that I (and many others here) understand what your going through, I hope you will believe me, and hang in there.

To steal a quote from AA - This too shall pass!
Hang in there and keep talking to other people.
Peace!

You may have the BPD and the depression and are feeling the effects of it, but what a lot of people unfamiliar with disorders don't understand is that your loved ones suffer right along with the person with the disorder. Loved ones want to help but don't understand how to do so, so they become angry and frustrated. It really does take time. Suicide is not the answer though. Suppose at some point your son wanted to be a part of your life because he finally understood what you were going through. If you killed yourself , he would never get that opportunity. That is what you think about next time you start having those thoughts. That is what you focus on. Best of luck.