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I grew up in a cold and distant family and at around the age of 8, we moved into a secluded area on a dead end street. Since moving, the only social interaction I had outside of school was with my older twin brother which I always looked at as the better one. He was thin while I was pudgy, he did well in school while I suffered and so on. My relationship with my father was pretty much non-existent during the majority of my childhood and my mother spent the majority of her time yelling at my brother and I. I started to act out in school and became a class clown for attention. I put no effort into learning and would just wing things and a a certain point it caught up to me and From that point on I was pretty much playing catch up with everyone else and my weak mental state would cause me to get agitated quickly and eventually ignore the problem as much as I possibly could. At some point my parents stepped in to try and help me with the work but my learning pace didn't sit well with my father who would grow annoyed by me which made me feel even more worthless. The lessons eventually stopped when my dad realized he couldn't handle the situation and everything went back to me barely passing by pure luck to outright failing. I always used TV as a way to zone out from the world ever since I can remember so I would just spend my days in my room in front of the TV. I'd say a word or two at most to my parents and sometimes go a day or two without even seeing them. I pretty much just figured it was easier to become a ghost at home to avoid any possible issues with the family. At some point in HS, I dropped some weight and grew into my appearance which lead to some interest from the girls. I still had my old mindset and hang ups about myself so I would sabotage any chances I had. I hung out with no one outside of school and moved between groups of people and interacted on a superficial level with them. After high school, I went to a CC and that's when my anxiety attacks became common. I continued to be a ghost in every aspect of my life, putting in as little effort as possible which lead to a lot of failings and even more worthlessness which lead to drug use a coping mechanism. I started to see a psychologist and tried some medication that didn't work and eventually stopped seeing my doctor. I was pretty much convinced I had schizoid personality disorder but I've come to believe I've got BPD. I started to see a psychologist again and was prescribed Adderall but I've been abusing it to kill all the free time I have since quitting my job 5 months ago. I plan on bringing up BPD at my next visit and see what options are available to me. I don't know why I wrote all that so humor me plz.

Dear Broken
First of all, welcome here
Thanks for sharing your story and bits of your life with us.
I'm sorry to hear about your past, which sounded like a rather unhappy one.
I would like to introduce this to you, the existential paradox by Dr. Joseph Santoro, as a start:

"We are not responsible for how we came to be who are as adults,
but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become, and for everything we do or say"

You have been 'haunted' by the ghosts of your past for long enough, long enough that it has affected you, your behaviour, your thoughts, thought life, emotions and basically affected you as a person.
It's now time to decide that you no longer want the ghosts and the shadows from your past to influence and affect you, your thoughts, your emotions, your behaviour, your actions.

Making that decision is a good start, and recovery then begins from this point.

Hope your session will turn out well. Do update us on what happened ya