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 Post subject: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:40 am 
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Location: Arizona, USA
I have been looking for a good forum, I am so happy I found this site. I feel like a lot of the other mental health forums are a gripe session or there are too many people acting out! I really want to focus on recovery & need some guidance. So I hope this will put me in the right direction.

Some history: I'm 29yr old mother and wife. I'm a registered nurse. Very successful on the outside, very broken on the inside. Basically I have really been in the dark & completely oblivious to my problems untill about 2 years ago, when I had an affair on my husband and it almost ruined my marriage. After that I started trying to figure out why I did it (my husband is probably the perfect man) & realized I have had impulsive behavior my whole life, drugs & alcohol, cheated in every relationship I've been in, suddenly changing jobs for no reason, moving for no reason, can't maintain friendships, well you get the picture.

I saw two therapist who totally didn't get the big picture, kept treating symptoms and didn't recognize I had a mental illness. I was the one that finally caught on after my older brother was diagnosed bi-polar, it kind of hit my like a lightening bolt, why hadn't I realized it before! So I got a psychiatric eval & she said I have BPD, which pretty much fit the bill. Got on some homeopathic meds (because I'm scared of psych meds) which help me big time, but unfortunately I was doing so much better that my therapist told me I didn't need regular visits anymore. I didn't argue with her at the time because I was feeling so good it seemed like a great idea. But now 3 months later I am realizing that pills aren't going to fix a lifetime of bad habits, as my symptoms are starting to rear their ugly head again!

Needless to say I am getting a new therapist. First appointment is on March 2nd. I am excited and nervous. I really do want to get better, but a part of me is also very comfortable being this way & find myself not being as proactive as I should be in getting treatment. I think this forum will be a big help, I need inspiration from being around people who are helping themselves and not just complaining! I have heard about DBT but have not taken an active approach to see how it works, (again delaying treatment because I'm actually scared to get better, so twisted!).

My immediate goals will be to get on this forum a couple times a week & read about some of the tools & to buy a book about DBT and educate myself on it. Then maybe I can also find a therapist who is knowledgable about treating BPD and get some help!

Thanks for listening. I look forward to meeting everyone!


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 4:13 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
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hi Mayberry!
welcome here :)
So your husband is sticking with you? That's very loyal of him :) Treasure your marriage, a man like that is hard to find :)
It's good that you are seeking the help that you need once again, and that you are going to take proactive steps to help yourself.
I have a workbook on DBT which I downloaded from a site (can't rmbr the site now), if you want it, give me your email and I'll email it to you.
Good luck with your session!


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Sun Feb 27, 2011 1:37 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:12 am
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Location: Arizona, USA
Meremortal,

Thanks for the offer, that's so nice of you. I actually just went online the day before and ordered a DBT workbook from barnes & nobles. I expect it will be arriving any day now.

Yeah my husband it a good man. I am really lucky, but it's really hard to appriciate sometimes. I really reject people who treat me too good. I have a lot of negative self talk, so it's hard to understand why someone would put up with me. But I know that's one of things I need to work on.


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2011 1:27 am 
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MayBerry wrote:
Meremortal,

I really reject people who treat me too good. I have a lot of negative self talk, so it's hard to understand why someone would put up with me.


Mayberry,
I think underlying this is the BELIEF (subconscious most probably) that "I am not worthy of love."
Once you can identify that underlying belief, see that it's responsible for your negative self talk (which is mean and self-rejecting), you're starting your way towards recovery. Then the next time you have negative self talk, change it to positive self talk (eg: I am worthy of love).


I do that too, reject people who treat me good, because deep down I have a lot of shame and believe that nobody can love me, that I'm not worthy of love.
The first step is learning to love oneself :)


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Mon Feb 28, 2011 3:21 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:03 pm
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With my therapy, I was told to write every feeling I had in a journal for a week and then go back and read every entry. Doing that, you actually learn things about yourself and what event was going on when your BPD was rearing its head. I personally didn't like the pills because I like to be in control of me and not something else. The journal really helped me control my BPD years ago, but unfortunately I stopped doing it and recently had a major setback. I am back to writing in a journal and am seeing a much clearer picture. Journals might not help everyone, but it helped me. Give it a try and see what it does for you while you wait to see your new therapist. Good luck.


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Tue Mar 01, 2011 11:44 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:12 am
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Location: Arizona, USA
Switik

I have been journally for several months & found it incredibly helpful for myself. I didn't see the full gravity of my illness untill I would go back and read some stuff I read. Sometimes I read it and think "What nut job wrote this!" I can't believe it came from me.

But on the sharing it with my therapist thing, I have been really bad about that. I have this problem of, if they don't ask I don't tell, even if it's important & I know it. It's terribly counterproductive & I know it, but I've been hiding my illness for so long that I just can't seem to stop, even when I need to so I can get help.

My husband saw my old therapist today to deal with his own issues (which usually have to do with me) & he mentioned to her that I was shopping around for a new therapist. I guess they spent sometime talking about it and she said she wasn't aware that I wanted or needed more aggressive therapy. She said she wished I would have just told her. Now I feel like I never really gave her a chance I wonder if I should just stick it out and try to be more open with her.

I don't know what to do, I want to find someone who will just TELL ME what I need to do. I follow instructions well, I just don't feel like I've been getting any guidance. Oh well, I meet the new Psychologist tomorrow. I will have to meet her before I make a decision.


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2011 2:29 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:03 pm
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Mayberry,

When it comes to doctors, if you feel you are not getting good help from one then you shop around for a therapist until you find one you like. Having said that tho, you really do need to tell that person everything in order for them to help you correctly. Sometimes it might be embarrasing to do so, but when you get past that point then it is actually better for your therapist to help you. your therapist isn't there to judge you. They are there to help. I wish you good luck with your new therapist. Keep us informed.

Switik791


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Mon Mar 07, 2011 11:00 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:12 am
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Location: Arizona, USA
Switik,

First visit with the new therapist went really well. I really like her & I was really good about speaking up. We already went over goals and objectives & I didn't feel like she was simplifying my issues, which has been a problem with other therapist. So all in all I feel really good. Next appointment is next week & we will get started on the actual therapy.

A problem I am having now is that I feel good & when I feel good I kind of have an attitude about therapy. I seem to think that I don't really have a problem, that I can just control my bad moods all of a sudden & maybe I was completely over reacting by getting into therapy to begin with. I know this is part of the black & white thinking, I go back & read old journal entries and remember that just last week I was thinking about suicide almost non stop. But I still feel like this whole thing is stupid & a waste of my time. Do other people feel this way? I think it's been one of my biggest obsicles with recovery.


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Tue Mar 08, 2011 7:38 am 
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Joined: Wed Feb 16, 2011 8:03 pm
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Mayberry,

Speaking only for myself I can say yes I felt that way too. It is part of the black and white thinking. Discuss that with your therapist also. they will help you overcome that too. Also tell yourself you are in therapy because you admitted you have a problem everytime you start thinking that. Trust me, things will get better. Don't give up.


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Wed Mar 09, 2011 1:08 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:12 am
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Location: Arizona, USA
Thank you very much. I needed to hear that.

Isn't it funny how we borderlines can be so encouraging to others & so hard on ourselves on the exact same issues?

If I could only take the advise I give to other people I'd be set! :)


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 Post subject: Re: So glad I found this site
PostPosted: Sat Mar 12, 2011 4:36 am 
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Mayberry,

You are welcome. Yes, if we could all be so encouraging to other borderlines and follow our own advice it would be awesome. Lol. I am actually working on that too. The taking my own advice part. I know I still have a long way to go but I'm also doing this on my own. No meds and no therapy. I already know what to do as I had been in therapy for 7 years back some years ago and I don't like the meds myself. I do not recommend this route to anyone. It is hard to do but that's how hard I am on myself anyways. Lack of insurance and currently being unemployed made me take this route, plus i'm new to the area in which I live so I have no clue yet what is available in the area. I do hope your therapy helps you. Remember: truth is your biggest weapon to fighting this. Truth to yourself and truth to your therapist. You stay true to both and you will get this under control.


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