BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi everyone 24f here with bpd/depression/PTSD. Entering adulthood has brought my maladjustment to the forefront of my life. I've been attempting to build myself professionally and socially and just can't seem to get it right. Was always a hot headed child (probably the result of growing up in an alcoholic home and having little control) who was (still am!) extremely reserved in the public sphere. A difficult breakup a few years ago left me feeling extremely abandoned and self hating. Have been seeing therapist to come to terms with my thought patterns and find a healthier way of being me. I hope to find some others here to talk with. Looking forward to finding my way out of the darkness. Cheers

The darkness is something far too familiar.

I have abandonment issues too. I was in this perfect family. I had 3 sisters, and then me, living with my mom and dad. They were happily married for 27 years. I would start to become attached to my dad, but he had always left for work. He had two jobs to support the whole family, including my mother. He would work almost 10 hours every week day, then he would DJ weddings or parties both weekends. When he was home he was always working on a police report, or trying to make a new playlist for the wedding that night. But, then on his day off he would be my best friend. We bonded and connected. But then the next day, he would be gone again 6 days out of the week, at luck.

My mom didn't have a job. She was a stay at home mom. Her and I we close, I guess you could say. I always got the feeling that she didn't actually care about me. I felt like I was there just to be there. I didn't know that at the time, but reflecting back on it, that's how it seems. We never connected emotionally. I was her only boy, "so I was special." I felt like a trophy. Although, I had to be with her, there were no other options.

As soon as I grew up to think for myself, I distanced myself from them. I think it was more for a cry for help, if anything. But, they didn't care. Didn't bother to ask where I was going, what I was doing. And would willingly offer cash. I was rejected, they never wanted me there. In which, I because dependent on my friends. One or two trustworthy friends to be your family.

Those are the people that you can talk to. They get you, they are like you, they understand where you are coming. Yet, one day, that trust, friendship, was broken. Abandoned again, the ones you had called family, betray you.

So you make new friends, and they all continue to repeat the cycle. This happened to me countless amounts of time. So many, that I have abandoned the hope of trusting anyone. But, I can proudly say, I have a friend that will do anything for me. Lives up to every little word that comes out of his mouth. He gives me hope that there people out there that truly do care.

Sorry, I'm rambling all about myself. My point being, that in abandoned type situations, there will always be someone there that does care and will never abandon you.

I can really relate to the self hating. Constant questions of: "why am I still here? What is my purpose? I am no good at anything."

I am starting therapy soon. I just found out that I am not crazy last night. I never knew what I was going through. And it is comforting that there are other people like us and that are willing to help each other out.

If you want, I'm here to talk to.

Dear Harsh Lee,
Welcome here You'll definitely find your way out of the darkness, I can testify to that (am halfway through the darkness)

Do hang around here, glean some precious insights (from others' posts) for your own recovery, and learn to apply the tools bit by bit.

I would like to 'share' with you the existential paradox by Dr. Joseph Santoro which is on the first page of this site,
"We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults
but as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we say and do."

Learn from the past to get precious insights into why you behave the way you do, but move on in the sense that it's time to focus on changing our behaviours and thought patterns

Thanks both of you for your thoughtful replies.

I definitely see the value in moving beyond the past and coming into the future to live up to my own potential. It's so frustrating sometimes, because somehow I keep referencing the past in making sense of the present. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes when it comes to this. Somehow feels like everyone is going to be like my family was towards me (which was rather cruel).

I can relate to the feeling of repeating the cycle of gaining trust, and being rejected, and feeling abandoned. I went through this so much as a child that by the time I was an adolescent I had completely given up. I still have given up. For awhile I thought that I must have social anxiety since I have no friends and no desire to make them. But that is not the case. I have no anxiety around people, I just feel as though I am wasting my time. Then if I do happen to make an acquaintance, something about them ends up bothering me to the point that I want nothing to do with them, start ignoring them, and am again happily on my own. Why? I guess all I have to explain this with is the past.

The past brings me a lot of pain when I think about it.

I hate myself for being cold, aloof, and indifferent to everyone. Half the time, I can't tell if my reasons for disliking someone are legitimate, or just me being too harsh again. And it's not necessarily that I think I'm better than anyone.. I'm just as tough on myself truth be told.

Underneath all this b.s is some potential. I always hoped that when I was younger, someone would nourish it and help me grow into an adult. I'm finding as I get older that this nurturing can (and must) come from myself. Now just to get this process rolling and producing consistent results instead of cyclical patterns of horribleness. Who's with me?

Thinking of the past is only going to make things worse. I used to do that a lot. I wanted to change it.

You basically just need to start telling yourself that what has happened, cannot be changed, no matter what you think. The only way is forward, and you will get nowhere unless you go in that direction.

But, as for friends... just let the friendship happen. Don't try to force it or go out of your way to create friendships. It is really hard for me to keep friends. There are just a lot of specific traits and qualities I look for, and if they don't meet that then, no deal. I think it will just come down to time.

I am with you on this.