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This is sooo crazy, I don't trust my own judgement. I broke up with my bf of 6 years about three months ago. The relationship had always been rocky since we were both unfaithful to our significant others to be together. He was really really bad to his ex wife. I had trust issues from day one. And it didn't help that once in a while I would catch him in stupid lies thus making me trust him less. Needless to say i drove him crazy, always questioning his whereabouts, who he was with, etc etc. I became some sort of private investigator and god forbid something didn't match up. He's in the beverage industry as a career, and his job requires many late night dinners. Needless to say, he's a heavy drinker. He also has a bad temper. Because of my "craziness" he became abusive. Both verbally and at times physically. He always says this wasn't him, but that i would push him to it, or bait him, and that he has never put his hands on another woman. He made me feel like I deserved it somehow. And I kinda believe him. One night i left a tape recorder on just in case we fought. And we did. Over something dumb. The fight lasted three hours. My purpose was to listen to it and make myself realize how mean he was to me. I discovered the problem was ME. I wouldn't shut up, even after he just wanted to go to sleep. I would demand that he fix it, then break up with him, then if he tried to leave I'd cling to him and beg him not to. This process would repeat over and over. Six years of this. I always made him out to be the asshole. What if it was me? We brought out the worst in each other. We broke up three months ago and we talk and see each other occasionally. But I truly don't think he wants me in his life. He's moving on. I was doing okay when I was angry and just blamed him. Now that I see what I've done I can't seem to let go. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern bc he messes with my emotions. He says he loves me more than anything in life, will do anything for me, will always love me, but he wants me to "change" and beg him back. I know I need to let go. I just don't know how

Seawitch,

You didn't say if you were in treatment for BPD or not. Abuse of any kind in a relationship is not healthy. Your bf may say he wants you to change, but he needs to stop the abusive behavior also. I'm in the middle of a 7 yr marriage that is heading for divorce, where there was no abuse only love. Why the divorce? Because one day my wife said it was over and she didn't want me anymore. I poured my heart and soul into this marriage and still love her a great deal. So I understand the feelings you are feeling. Normal? I don't know yet but I'm trying to figure it out. If not in treatment yet, you should go. Feel free to still come here also for advice as this is a good place.

Keep us informed.

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage...is your wife the one with BPD? I'm just wondering, because I have always been the one that has done the breaking up and have said I don't want to be with you anymore, and then changed my mind....hopefully your marriage is something that you two can salvage. Sometimes people need time apart to gain perspective.
I know I pushed my ex's buttons and I know I was impossible. And when I see him I am sooo sorry about this that I take all the responsibility for it. Even for HIS bad behavior.as for his abuse, it always occurred during a fight that would escalate out of control...it wasn't like he came home and took out his problems on me. So to some extent, I know I was responsible for it, but like you said, he didn't have to get to that point. But his frustration level truly must have been severe. The line gets so fuzzy when you feel responsible for driving a person to the edge of reason, you know? Especially when I have gone after him at times, or tried to stop him from leaving, or thrown things at him, etc etc. Because
it's bad enough that I don't trust my judgement to begin with, it's a difficult situation to interpret anyway. We are BOTH at fault.
But now that I know this, that I have this diagnosis (very recent, beginning treatment next week) now there seems to be an answer. He has moved out, has his own life, is very busy at work and is not going to be a part of my recovery. His attitude seems to be, go get better, let's see what happens, and come back to me when you're normal, and if I'm still single I'll take you back. (did I mention he was a bit of a narcissist?, lol) logically speaking, I think I'm attaching back to him because with this diagnosis I feel guilty that I did this to him. So I'm like omg please forgive me, please I'm so sorry I was so horrible. Which may I add, he is eating it up...he was a difficult person to trust and sometimes to like. But I need to sort out in my head was was real or what was made up in my head. What if he wasn't so bad? But then again, what if he was?
This IS a good place. It helps to read other peoples stories and to know I'm not alone in this.. It's very comforting....

Seawitch,

Thank you. No, actually, I am the one with BPD. Thats what makes this so strange to me. My wife knew prior to the marriage about it and other things. With her, I fully disclosed everything. I exposed my soul to her and yet she still married me. when she told me in December last year she no longer loved me and wanted out it was a shock because just 24hrs. prior she had said she loved me and acted like everything was still going good with us. She had given me some reasons, but I think there is a lot more to the story. I just don't know any other details yet. I am glad you are starting therapy. That is a good first step. I wish you the best with it. Please keep me updated on your progress.