BPDRecovery.com: Forums

well, i'm not new to this board, but i haven't been around for years. i was in remission for a little while after the birth of my son, but i feel like i'm spiraling out of control again... i'm back in therapy with another new therapist. i'm hoping it helps, but i wonder how long it will last this time... i'm here because i feel like i need all the support i can get. i have only one good friend in real life, my sister, but she is recovering from issues of her own (codependancy and a really nasty divorce from an abusive man). i am married, but my relationship feels like it's dying... i feel like i have no one who really understands the real me...

i've got a DX of BPD and am going through a really bad depression right now. i've been DXed with MDD several times in my long history with mental health professionals... i've also gradutated from DBT twice... i feel like these problems are never going to go away. i'm feeling really hopeless right now... an utter failure at my own life... i can't stop obsessing over my feelings and my own unworthiness... i feel completely alone right now...

my relationship with my son is suffering (he's almost 2 years). i can't handle my own emotions and i react badly to his frustrations and outbursts (though he is generally well-behaved, he is simply a toddler and isn't happy when he doesn't get his way)... i work full time and i hate my job, and i injured my back three months ago, so i am almost always in pain and don't have the energy or motivation to take care of him or play with him... i'm drinking all the time (heavy binging on the weekends)... popping pain pills like candy... i'll do whatever i can to avoid my responsibilities and my guilt... i shop all the time and spend so much money on things i don't need that don't make me happy... i've completely redecorated my house but i can't manage to care for myself... i hate my body and the way i look...

all i want is to be a good mother... to be home with my son with all the time in the world to devote to him and my family... i feel like my mother in law is raising him and i'm just a side-character in his life... i feel angry and bitter... sometimes i get really angry at him too and it scares me...

things with my husband are even worse. i have a really short fuse... are personalities clash and we argue and bicker over every little thing. i am so tired of it... and especially hate doing it in front of my son. i feel so bad all i can do is try to avoid him and avoid conflict at whatever cost. i've come to hate that i'm married to him... i feel like i'm completely trapped... i love him and he is a good man, but i feel like i've been drifting away... i fantasize about cheating on him (with women)... i wonder if i'm a lesbian and if i've ever really loved him for who he is, or if i feel dependant on him... our sex-life is aweful. we don't do it unless i'm drunk... and even then i feel somewhat detatched... i don't even want him to kiss me...

i don't know how much of this is just my own state of mind right now...

i didn't mean to vent so early on, but i feel like i need to throw this out there... i need some encouragement... i feel like i don't know where to start. maybe i never really had a therapist who understood what was wrong with me? maybe i've never really understood how deep my problem is? i feel so broken...

thanks for listening to me whine on easter sunday... i hope the rest of you are having better days than me...

erin
I don't really know how to respond, but i'll try...

it sounds to me like you have everything going on in your life - a full time job, a 2 year old son, a good man as your husband...

Now the problem is yourself, right?

I guess you got to decide that you want to be well...

And since you've been through DBT, how about looking back at what you've learnt and applying some of the lessons you've learnt?

thanks for the response, that's exactly it! and i do... i know the first step is getting control of my destructive behaviors, especially the drinking right now, but i'm having trouble... i used to have an old stack of notes somewhere... i feel like i've forgotten everything...but yeah i guess should start with that...

You came to the right place. I feel it is an honor to support other BPDers so know that I am on your side. I think almost all of us struggle with feeling misunderstood. It is a recurring theme in my life. Sometimes it is helpful for me to accept that no one is going to completely understand me because I am a unique individual. Almost all humans will understand emotions though. BPDers seem to experience their emotions really intensely though.

Another thing to keep in mind is that many times healing happens in layers. You may not be having a setback. You may be experiencing another layer of trauma/negative beliefs. A person can only handle so much at a time. So get in there and handle what you can and rest in the knowledge that you are doing what you can.

thank you renee, i think you may be right about all of that, especially the last part about healing in layers... i feel like i've improved a lot in some areas; i don't rage at my husband like i used to, and i don't SI anymore... after having my son i also realized that suicide could never be an option for me, no matter how bad it gets... i would be hurting him more than anyone and i can't bear that thought...

i do feel like i'm getting to a whole new layer of trauma/negativity... DBT focused a lot on my outward behavior and it helped a lot at first, but i feel like the inner stuff was never really exposed... i never got more than a few one-on-one sessions with the instructors... there are a lot of old wounds that haven't healed. my grandmother died three months ago and it's been really hard for me. she was the one shining light in my screwed up mess of a family and her death was devastating... i'm coming to terms with it, but have been thinking a lot about my childhood trauma and my relationships (or lack thereof) with my parents... and how much my relationship with my husband has changed because of the way i used to treat him... my thoughts just race around this stuff and i'm feeling all that hurt and lonliness and anger came bubbling right up again... i just want to numb it away and forget...

hey erin
hugssss

don't numb those feelings, just watch them pass... just let them BE (don't take any action though) and observe them. Journal how you feel and gain some insights. When those feelings come up, sometimes they give you a clue to your inner healing...

thanks for that meremortal... :} i'm working on it...

My grandmother was also one of the only people who I felt just let me be myself and loved me for me. She also trusted me. I lived with her for a short time and having to go back to my parents because my Mother insisted to my Father that was where I should be was really awful. I am grateful for the short bit of respite that I got from my parents during the time I lived with my grandmother.

I am child free so thoughts of snuffing it come up regularly but I feel that God has a purpose for me that will be revealed so I stay. I am also married and I have had to use immense restraint from unloading on my husband. Right now I am not at home because I feel that he is aware of my sensitive nature and that he doesn't consider it. I am furious and I know that I need to learn to assert myself when it comes to my preferences before I get to the point that my blood is boiling. Once I reach that point all hope is lost for a good while. I go into self imposed isolation because I am terrified that I will have an outburst that will change my life forever.

thank you for sharing renee, i have to say that you've summed up exactly how i've been feeling about my husband. i used to really lash out at him, verbally and physically, and it hurt our relationship a lot. things got better when i got pregnant and both of us decided we had to do what we could to make it work... now i internalize all the verbal abuse i used to throw at him, but it builds up when i bottle it in... at my worst i feel like i hate him. when i'm really stressed i treat him really badly, but in a passive-aggressive way because i don't know how to verbalize what i really want from him... i wonder if he's the one who's abandoned me emotionally, but really i have isolated myself by doing this and i am hating myself most of all... we've been doing a lot of bickering again lately though... i worry that if i start to have outbursts again like i used to our relationship won't recover like it did before, and that it will affect my son... i can tell that he knows something is wrong when he sees us arguing...

It's tough. The feelings are so intense. You are actually helping me out a lot by sharing. I feel less alone so thank you for opening up. Right now I have decided that I have to figure out things that make me happy and just do them myself or with friends. I absolutely have to find ways to express the full range of my emotions in a healthy way too. Journaling helps me a lot. I also have some supportive friends and I retain the services of a life coach that specializes in bpd. I have decided that I do matter and that I need to take care of myself. I have to find a lot of balance in my life. Do you know of anything that makes you happy or helps you to relax or have a laugh?

music... listening to music... playing the guitar... music is the only thing that soothes me, it always has, ever since i was young. i've never really had close friends besides my husband and a few girls that i haven't talked to in a long time (one is long gone to bigger and better things, the other will hardly speak to me anymore). other than that alcohol has been my self-med of choice... i'm struggling a lot right now with drinking, and i'm trying to find things to do instead, but even music is not enough sometimes... sometimes i can't even relax and enjoy that unless i'm drinking...

also wanted to say i've been lurking around and reading some of your posts - i also have NPD parents (my dad has it pretty severe, my mom is some kind of Histrionic/NPD hyrbid) i can really relate to how you are feeling... i'm learning more about NPD lately because i have been thinking a lot about my parents and the abuse i suffered because they betrayed me... thinking about why i keep repeating the patterns i do... i'm trying to practice radical acceptance, but don't feel like i'm ready for it yet... my relationships with them are pretty much non-existant right now (they discarded me a long time ago when i lost my usefulness to them), but even thinking about this stuff is really overwhelming for me right now. my therapist told me that until we get the drinking and the shopping (also shoplifting sometimes) under control i will not be able to cope with talking about that stuff... it's good to know i'm not alone in this!

anyway, i journal sometimes too... but i'm not very consistent with it and i find myself throwing away a lot of stuff i write because i feel stupid and pathetic for the things i write...

thank you for listening to my rambling!

I have to force myself to be consistent about journaling. All of my life I have started diaries and then destroyed them because I was so afraid that somebody would read the vile things that I wrote. My fear was because as a child I was not allowed to have any privacy.

Have you played your guitar lately? I am a singer but I haven't felt very inspired lately.

I am happy to listen to you. You deserve to be heard with compassion. Have you ever read anything by Alice Miller?