BPDRecovery.com: Forums

Hi. I have stumbled here somehow and i have read that this is a recovery directed forum which i hope can help me. I want to start by saying that inside, at my core, i don't think i am "crazy." I was raised by a narcisstic, BPD grandmother and mother, and a loving accepting grandfather. They have never been officially diagnosed, but have every trait possible for it. They absolutely cannot see that anything is possibly wrong with them.

My parents divorced around the age of 5 and battled in legal and abuse for 4 years, or so i am told, for I cannot remember my childhood at all no matter how hard i try. My mom pretty much abandoned me to leave for her parents (the grandmother and grandfather mentioned above) very early.

I have recently come to the conclusion that i have so many traits of BPD and i DO NOT want to live with this forever without help. I am waiting now for a call from a psychiatrist that my GP referred me too to set up an appointment, which they said could take up to 2 weeks for an appointment.

On top of coming to the reality of possibly having BPD (i would say i'm a definate), my husband left me march 2nd. Now this is where the biggest battle for me is. I love my husband with all my heart and soul and have wanted to give him any and everything that made him happy. Unfortunately, being lost in myself and truely unable to see the affects i was causing on my marriage, he has come to the conclusion I am "crazy". I am actually seeking help and guidance on discerning the feelings i am having and in saying this, i understand that on top of this, i am in a very vulnerable place with the reality of divorce at my doorstep. I will post my story a little more in depth soon. I understand the borderline traits and have researched it for a couple of weeks now but I will be exploring the tools you have here also.

Thanks for having a place like this to help those who have no support system in place until we can try to find that support in ourselves.

Hi and welcome -

I'm glad you're pursuing help. This (BPD) is usually too big a problem to solve entirely on your own.

I'm sorry that your husband has left, though sometimes life with people with BPD is just too chaotic to stick with, especially if you haven't gotten treatment in the past. We are not "crazy," be certain of that, but generally speaking we have pretty dysfunctional ways of dealing with our emotions and that frequently causes problems related to anger or jealousy, etc. If you have any contact with him, urge him to get counseling for himself -- hopefully from somebody who doesn't share the opinion that people with BPD are the worst of the worst, as even some therapists do. Hopefully he won't spend a lot of time at anti-BPD websites, where the anger and viciousness are worse than most anything we can produce on our own. Whether or not you can revive this relationship remains to be seen, but if it doesn't happen, I hope you will continue to pursue treatment for yourself, because you really deserve to feel better about yourself, to make sense of your childhood, and to learn how to deal with your emotions in an healthy way.

Good luck -- I'm glad you found us!

Glad that you are here. I have an NPD Father and a BPD Mother that I was raised by. My Dad was restless and was constantly moving the entire family at his whim. Every year or two I was in a new school. My Mother was very emotionally distant from me and my Father used me as a source of narcissistic supply. I was not allowed to express feelings that they did not approve of and not allowed to have privacy. Now I need both of those things in spades.

I go back and forth with "feeling crazy". The feelings that are most prevalent for me are irritation, anger, and rage. My husband triggers me a lot and it is very difficult for me not to lash out at him. He has no idea of the restraint that I have and that makes me mad too. We separated in the past because a supposed friend convinced me that he was a narcissist. She totally gaslit me. Maybe he is but that is for me to figure out. My marriage is a very rocky road and a lot of times I feel very deflated and defeated. I feel like I am very tired of starting new relationships and giving them my all only to have them end in an abysmal failure and with me feeling totally used. I know that I need to make sure to do things that are important to me and make me happy but they seem to just fall by the wayside a lot. Focusing on our own recoveries and the ways that we can change our thinking and behavior are what we have. This is a great resource for tools and support.