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I'm about 99.9% positive I have BPD. I've been through months of therapy in the past, and have probably ingested every single anti-depressant out there - yet somehow not one physician, therapist, or psychiatrist has even mentioned this disorder to me. It's blowing my mind that it wasn't completely obvious to at least one of them. I have, and currently am experiencing every single one of the symptoms listed in the DSM; and the "ten forms of twisted thinking" on this specific site are spot on. But then again, I guess the shrinks have to make money by stringing us along somehow - and to be honest, I've hidden my symptoms pretty well in the past. From what I've discovered so far, it seems that's a pretty common thing for BPD's.
I've read a lot (and I mean A LOT) on the subject - and although it's pretty much the best feeling in the world knowing that there's a label for all of the crap I've put myself and others through, it's extremely discouraging reading all of the horror stories out there about the failed relationships that tend to come from it.
I'm fairly sure there are some bipolar and slightly manic attributes thrown into the mix in my case. Right now I'm pretty "up" - which is kind of rare for me this week. It makes me want to spew my story all over this forum and try to lure in as much advice/feedback as I can. One of you must be up to the task, right?
Here goes. I'm a 23 year old female desperately searching for a way to finally stabilize myself. I've experienced ups and downs almost my entire life, and in the last few years have been through a lot of manic and impulsive states. I've done a good job of hiding my feelings and shutting myself away when I know I'm down. I'm so good at faking happiness and normality, that most of my friends and/or co-workers would never even guess that I was experiencing a problem.
Last week I was having a major down. My boyfriend (who by the way is my BEST friend, and the most important person in the world to me) felt like I was putting up a wall between us with my moods and decided it would be a good idea to move back to his parents for a while. Although after the whole ordeal I could understand where he was coming from, and although I currently realize it was probably the best chance of a future for us, I completely over-reacted and took 20+ advil PM. I have never been suicidal or really even had suicidal thoughts in the past, but I truly saw no hope and no future for myself. All I could focus on was the intense hurt and pain and disappointment in my past, and I didn't want it anymore.
Once I started feeling the effects of the pills, I realized what I had done was just plain retarded and had him take me to the ER. I was forced to stay overnight in the emergency holding area at the psych ward. It was torture. I know it's all just protocol, but I felt so out of place there. They had me talk to a therapist who just pinned my "lack of trust" on my divorced parents and recommended I go back to school, blah dee blah blah. I had heard it all before.
I realize 100% that I need help. I've been on probably 10 different anti-depressants and talked to at least 5 different therapists over the past 5 years. To me, it seems like none of them have done a good job of pinpointing exactly what I'm experiencing or feeling. And as great as anti-depressants are for most people - I, personally, have never felt anything but negative side effects from them (complete lack of sex drive, nausea, emotional numbness, sometimes even more intense highs and lows, etc).
Here are some of things I've noticed about myself lately:
1) I've almost become reliant on weed. I'm on a break right now, but I've smoked daily for almost a year now. The second I start to think irrationally or make horrid assumptions, I take a hit. When I'm high, I can think logically and reasonably and see the beauty in things. I appreciate everybody and everything in my life when I'm high. Even if I've had a complete falling out with somebody or blocked them out of my life (mostly due to twisted thoughts and taking things personally), I can see what I did wrong on my end and make amends without a problem. When I'm dry, though, everything kind of comes crashing down. On a side note, I've noticed slight "obsessions" like this throughout my entire life. Not necessarily with drugs, but with things that I considered mind numbing, or an escape, at the time. I played MMO's obsessively for years. I used to play World of Warcraft almost 8+ hours a day - although I developed some really great friendships from it (even better than "real life" relationships), I knew it was unhealthy.
(I personally don't consider either of the above self-damaging, but add it to my excessive spending, shoplifting, and binge eating, and it seems to fit the profile.)
2) Whenever I feel personally attacked (which is a huge portion of the time) or let down, I completely shut people out. I've lost entire groups of friends over the past year because I started flaking out on everything, stopped answering phone calls, and just disappeared into my own little "safe" hole. I truly, honestly feel like everybody is against me most of the time. It causes me a lot of anxiety.
3) I have that "I'll prove them wrong", or "I'll show them" sort of attitude towards those groups of people. In a way, it's really pushed me to become a better person, but I know that it's a very unhealthy and abnormal way of thinking.
4) I am constantly irritated and annoyed by people that I feel are "on a lower level than me". I'm sure this is some sort of narcissistic/manic side kicking in. I never, ever mean to belittle anybody, or appear better than anybody, but I feel like I'm on a higher level than most of the people in my life (excluding very close friends and the boyfriend). This holds true even with the therapists and psychiatrists I've talked to. I feel like they don't understand how complex and "different" I am from their normal clients. This kind of attitude has also gotten me fired from great jobs in the past, and makes it extremely difficult to keep a minimum wage job for more than a year or so. It's getting ridiculous.
In my research I've noted that it's typical for BPD's to be intelligent, bright, artistic, and overall pretty talented. I thought it might be important to add that I'm a musician. I got a full ride to school for vocal performance, but the "unnecessary technicality" and my "supremely obnoxious music major peers" (because that's how I felt about it at the time) made it incredibly unenjoyable and I dropped out. I went on to learn how to produce and record on my own. During a manic episode last year, I spewed out almost 20 surprisingly well written songs. Since then I haven't been able to touch them. I've gotten a lot of really great feedback, but because some of it has been negative, and because I feel like nobody understands how intricate and complex the concept of it all is, I've completely shut the project out. It's been utterly heartbreaking.
In general, (and really unless I'm able to sit down and write it out), I've never been able to voice what's going on inside of me. I've always felt like I feel emotions 10x stronger than the average person, and I always seem to victimize myself and think of others as against me. It wasn't until I saw the "ten forms of twisted thinking" that I was able to clearly see what I was doing. And it is so spot on it's scary. I have a very, very intensely negative mental filter, assume horrible and unfair things about people constantly, and am always labeling.
I want to be stable and whole more than anything. I want another chance to prove myself to my boyfriend - the only person I've met that I actually see a positive and incredible future with. We're on a break right now while I try to sort through therapy for a diagnosis and hopefully some medication. This Saturday would have been our one year anniversary. I'm terrified to tell him that I may have BPD. What if he decides it's too much of a burden for him to continue on with somebody so off the wall? I'm really not so sure that's something I could get over. It's completely eating away at me.
Last but not least, has anybody tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy? I really want to try it.... I'm curious to know if anybody on this forum has had success with it.
I'm so thankful I'm not alone.
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