Home  •  FAQ  •   Forums

It is currently Wed Aug 21, 2019 11:44 pm

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post subject: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 1:24 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sun May 15, 2011 12:34 pm
Posts: 3
I am 64 years old and, after a lifetime of hard work, usually pretty healthy/happy but every so often something tosses me back into a bpd funk and it's as if nothing has really changed. I am, once again, that miserable, angry little girl who decided other people (my parents, especially) were "the problem", not me. A psychologist once told me this decision probably saved me and I think that's true. Other conclusions were "if nobody loves me I must be unloveable" and "life sucks unless everything goes my way".

Generally speaking, my life is good: I have a nice (not perfect, lol) husband; enough money for most of what I need and want; I like where I live, and so on. Gaping holes in my "good life" include a schizophrenic daughter and two dysfunctional grandchildren. Nice kids, in many ways, but destined for unhappiness for the same reasons I was: attachment disorders. The result of a long line of bpders.

Of course, I hoped they would be past that (because I tried so hard to be a good parent) but it turns out I didn't have a clue. From that perspective, my life is a failure.

Sad, but I have the sense to know what's past is past. I tried my best for my family and seldom dwell on how little I can do for them.

My big problem, these days, is me. This is contrary to what I thought at nine. Maybe it's also a step forward.

I used to belong to this site and had to re-register when I came back. It is wonderful to find some new tools that may help me move forward. It's good to be back.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Sun May 15, 2011 8:45 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
For what it is worth forgiving yourself might be really healing. You are a human being doing the best that you can. Have you tried any inner child work?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 12:24 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sun May 15, 2011 12:34 pm
Posts: 3
Thanks for your response. I've done every kind of work there is. Many things seem to help but nothing really changes. As well as having bpd, I'm mildly bipolar and right now feeling down.

As to forgiving myself, I don't think there's anything to forgive. I did the best I could. It wasn't good enough but how can there be blame attached to that? It would be cheering, frankly, to think that I could have tried harder. It would give me some sense of control and I have none, at the moment.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 2:04 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
I would like to challenge you on that. It wasn't good enough does not sound like you are being very kind to yourself. How about softening it to I did the best I could and it was what it was or it was the best I could do at the time and that is ok. Just a suggestion. Being kind to yourself will help you to be kind to others. It all starts with you. Peace be with you.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Wed May 18, 2011 2:21 pm 
Senior Community Leader
Senior Community Leader
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
If you haven't already read it, I highly recommend getting your hands on a copy of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. In it, the Fourth Agreement is Always Do Your Best and it sounds like that's what you did. What I think would be helpful to read (summarized in this PDF file) is a really important point: Your best is never going to be the same from one moment to another. You did your best in those other settings, with those other tools, at those other stages of life. Now you're here in this setting, in this stage of life, in this moment. You still have an opportunity to do your best at recovery work but only if you choose to.

_________________
Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 1:38 pm 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Sun May 15, 2011 12:34 pm
Posts: 3
Thanks for your responses. I think what I think and if that happens to be something like, "it wasn't good enough" then telling myself to think differently is not going to change anything (except maybe i'll feel guilty for not thinking the way someone else wants me to).

As to the Four Agreements, I have read them before, and no doubt they make sense. I am beginning to wonder if I have the capacity to change core beliefs. When stress arises I am back to the same old ideas I thought I'd left behind. Turns out they were just overlaid with some conscious opposites.

My daughter, who is paranoid schizophrenic, is immoveable on a grand scale. A wise old shrink once told me that she will die with the same paranoid fantasies that she has today. Of course, I was hoping he was wrong but, many years later, she still thinks what she thinks even when it flies in the face of all external reality. She has been like this since babyhood when she had no (other) sign of mental illness.

Maybe it is a family trait that shows up in different degrees of intensity in different people. I can't think of a single person, over several generations, who is (or was) not extremely opinionated and intractable. I thought this was learned behavior which may be true but perhaps there is something else going on.

As well, it is probably difficult for all people to change core beliefs. This is not a reason to give up, of course, but success, if attainable, will clearly require patience and persistence.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 2:57 am 
Community Member
Community Member

Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
bugpin wrote:

My big problem, these days, is me. This is contrary to what I thought at nine. Maybe it's also a step forward.


What do you mean by the big problem is you? CAre to elaborate a lil more?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Hey, it's me!
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:57 am 
New Member
New Member

Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
As far as your daughter goes you could choose to love her just as she is. We have no real power to change others and sometimes even very little power to change ourselves. I find that asking God for help when I just can't manage really works. I do what I can... that's all I can do.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 7 hours [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group