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 Post subject: Beyond Struggling........
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 12:29 pm 
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I feel so raw right now I shake and feel like I want to throw up for no other reason than my small family is having a normal chaotic Sunday. However, to me the noises, peopless sudden movement startle me and make my hands shake and make me want to get up and run. I just want to be in a hotel for a day or two so my family doesn't have catch wind of yet another one of my crazy episodes ....they all say that there are not tired of it but to me that can't be I can't take it I can't imagine how they could and even if they can I am soooooo tired of being looked at like a victim who is useless and who everyone needs to tip toe around. Where I am emotional is so utterly lonely my heart feels like a knife is in its almost beyond painful I feel so completely alone on this journey not because people close to me don't want to help but no matter which ways I talk about I know and understand that they will never feel just how intense my pain is they tell me I am so sorry you feel this way but as nice as that is to me its empty words because although they mean well they can't feel this heartache, loneliness, emptiness, sadness, and even numbness. I wouldn''t wish what I have on anyone but sometimes it would be so good to have someone take me by the hand and understand the sheer magnitude of pain it is to have what we have. I wonder sometimes if this will always be my life waxing and wanning between sanity and insanity its just exhausting and frustrating. I get so mad at my husband sometimes for no reason and I realize why now its because he can't truely understand my pain and advise me from there but I know that is absurd its not his job to do this and he can't possibly feel the pain I feel it will take lots of therapy for me and not my spouse trying to fix me its not his job. I just hurt. So far I have cried an absurd amount of times, got angry, and now I am totally numb I fucking hate this. Right now my affect is so flat to me this is almost the worst statte to be in because I feel alone and empty but its like I don't care I can't feel anything at in this state nothing its like a fucking zombe totally like the walking dead thats why I would cut so I could feel something anything I don't intend to do this now but its what I have done when I get this numbness because I want to feel again being in the numb state is probably the worst state because I almost don't feel human I feel invisible, empty, lonely and dead on the inside.


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 Post subject: Re: Beyond Struggling........
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 8:28 pm 
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Hi Jennylyn, and welcome to the board.

I hear your pain -- I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now.

Are you in therapy now? If not, I highly recommend it. Not many people can make significant progress in managing BPD on their own. Therapy isn't easy -- there is a lot of frustration, times when you feel "stuck" or even like you're going backwards, but if you can find someone you trust and really commit yourself to the process, you can most definitely work your way towards a happier and healthier life.

In the meantime, check out our "Tools" in the box on the left, if you haven't already. A lot of us have found them really helpful.

Keep in mind that nobody will ever -- ever -- know what it's like to be you, because we can only know ourselves. (I also believe it takes work to even know ourselves, because there is much that stays under our radar in our subconscious and unconscious, and we have to learn how to recognize that.) So please don't hold it against your family, or anybody else, that they can't really understand what you're going through. If they're being supportive and trying to be empathetic to the best of their ability, that's all you can ask of them. I understand a lot of the feelings you describe, because I've been there -- a lot -- but the truth is that the only reason I was ever totally alone was because I wouldn't (not couldn't) let people in. It's not necessarily that I consciously shut them out, but I was so in my own head that I felt totally separated from the rest of the world. I'd lost everything -- my marriage, my career, my home, my financial security, and more -- and I was in such deep pain, and numb at the same time, that I didn't think there was any hope. A number of years later, I'm way better. Not necessarily "cured," but able to manage most of my feelings without being overwhelmed.

So hang in there, find yourself a good therapist if you don't have one, and make a commitment to the work it will take to get better. It's worth it.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: Beyond Struggling........
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 9:42 pm 
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hey hey
i hear your pain, i hear you screaming out of pain.

The pain must be so intense for you.

hugs from across the sea.

Would you like to distract yourself for a while? Distract yourself from your pain.
Here are a few ways:
a) focus on other people's needs. Focus on people more needy than you and go help them. it will take your mind off yourself and your pain
b) exercise. it helps a lot!
c) do something you enjoy, whatever it is - a nice shower, eating some ice cream, whatever.


And of course, are you currently in therapy?


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 Post subject: Re: Beyond Struggling........
PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 12:51 am 
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Thank to you all sharing your experiences with me. Your suggestions and advice and kindness are amazing. I thank you very much. I was able to finally pull myself somewhat together by using some DBT skills and talking with friends.


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 Post subject: Re: Beyond Struggling........
PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 1:49 am 
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hey jenny
good for you! happy for you :)

you've been through DBT? Everyone tells me DBT is very useful, so I'm doing it online since my psychiatrist doesn't do DBT...

keep up the good work girl!


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 Post subject: Re: Beyond Struggling........
PostPosted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 10:10 am 
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I can really relate to being bothered by chaos and noise. I prefer peace and quiet. There is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps you could be more gentle with yourself. Most people are very self absorbed so chances are that they are not really thinking about your victimhood. Cut yourself some slack. If you want to stop victimizing yourself you can. You just need some tools and a bit of practice.


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