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 Post subject: stuck btwn perfectionism and failure
PostPosted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 2:07 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2011 1:26 pm
Posts: 4
i do not have a "formal" diagnosis of BPD -

i have been diagnosed with:
major depression
dysthymic disorder
adhd (w/o the h)

i was hospitalized this past february for my 30th (give or take 10) suicide attempt -- suicide for me is a compulsive act - it is always somewhre in the back of mind (my last hospitalization b/f that was when i was 16 - i am now 38)

after i was hospitalized in 88, i began biting/cutting myself. haven't done that though in about 20 years.

i have horrid mood swings -- not manic - just from depressed to rage

i can get really impulsive shopping and spending lots of money - especially online -!

in '06 i had a major emergency surgery that was due to a botched gall bladder - we went through legal channels of malpractice - while gathering all the hospitals documented records, an intern had written that i was possibly Borderline Personality - (i at first blew this off b/c this intern charted this while i was in ICU under major pain drugs and have only intermittent recollection - and on one regiment of IV pain meds - they made me hallucinate - after they regulated my drugs - no more hallucinations -)

this past year, 2011, i have begun to feel i am just going insane. i live mostly in my room (and i have 4 children) and just constant overwhelming feelings - for which i berate myself etc - and spiral beyond fast -

i've wondered if i'm peri-menopausal (sorry if TMI) b/c of my wicked mood swings - and general feeling like i'm going literally insane -

one night - that recollection of what the intern had written hit me - so i began googling -

i just read my first ever "self help book" from cover to cover - (i have like 5 adhd books - now two kindle BPD books) i finished it yesterday, "I hate you Don't Leave Me" in the resources section, it listed this website.

currently reading "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" McKay, Matthew (2010).

the things i have read - it is like - THAT IS HOW I FEEL -
Those are the words that describe ---
etc -

i've been on anti depressants meds (like about every single one there is) but have gone off them for various reasons, either i noticed no difference - or i gained weight.
my last run of anti depressants was celexa the psych dr. in the hospital put me on - when i went and saw my GP - he said, this is like a dosage for a geriatric patient -- and since i tried suicide with overdosing on GPs prescribed meds - he won't monitor my meds until i'm stable with a psych for a few months - and i have yet to see a psych -
the meds b/f that were cymbalta - i think i did notice a positive mood enhancement on those - however - i gained 20 lbs - and that is hard going from size 8 to 14 - prideful, i know - it is a struggle -

so anyway -
i'm trying to "put life back together"
looking for tools to assist in that -
i have a tremendous support system (though i've done a good job of exhausting and frustrating them - )
especially my hubby -

did i mention i get incredibly easily overwhelmed - like w/ just basic functioning -
and my house is in utter chaos
4 kids - (neatness doesn't fit anywhere in their realms)
i feel like i start - and just wham - hit a wall
and if i can't do it ALL and PERFECTLY what is the use in trying?
so - trying to find balance there -

i have a counselor - he had me write a "crisis" plan - for suicidal intent - but i told him, I don't need a suicide crisis plan - i need a plan for when i am in crisis - not when i like want to kill myself (thought usually when i am in "crisis" that is or can be an impulsive reaction to the crisis in my mind)
my pastor noted, "A - you feel things intensely than the "average" person - when you spiral - you spiral to the great depths - -

reading - this forum and starting the "The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook" there are finally the tools listed that i was looking for to help me 'deescalate' in a crisis.

So, that's kinda of me in a nutshell -
mom to 4

my user name is from the hymn writer William Cowper who suffered w/ depression.

 Post subject: Re: stuck btwn perfectionism and failure
PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 10:32 am 
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Joined: Fri Jul 29, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 3007
Location: Denver
Welcome to BPDR, Cowper!

That's a lot of history. I look forward to getting to know you beyond that.

Like BPD Recovery on Facebook.
Follow BPD_Recovery on Twitter.

 Post subject: Re: stuck btwn perfectionism and failure
PostPosted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 3:29 pm 
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
Posts: 137
I can totally relate to beating up on myself for not being perfect. Sometimes it gets super intense and I become enraged and just beside myself because I don't know what to do with myself. I have gotten a lot better over the years by reminding myself that I already am perfect. I am perfectly myself... a flawed human being who is in process. It helps to have people remind you that you are fine just the way you are and that it's okay to feel anything. Rage is definitely a higher level of consciousness than depression although the people around you when you are raging out probably aren't thrilled, anger can definitely be a springboard to better feelings if it is processed constructively and positive action is taken as a result of it.

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