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 Post subject: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2011 3:16 pm 
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Hi,

My wife is undiagnosed but my therapist mentioned BPD to me.

I see my wife has lived with this since before I met her (23). We have been together 21 years 2 young children.

I have had to move out of the home for fear I might end up in jail...she had accused me of DV.

All I have ever done is support and encourage this woman. I loved her dearly.

At the time I knew nothing about BPD. I might have done things a lot differently if I had known.

I will never have the chance as I am painted completely black and blamed the breakdown of my marriage.

I would like to better understand BPD. I would like to heal my wounds.

I would like to support and protect my children from the negative impact of marital breakdown and having a mother with BPD in their lives.

I know at this point in time my wife has given up on therapy but gets huge strength and energy from conflict with me.

We are now divorcing.

She wants to feel connected to me even if it is just to fight and to hurt or harm me.

I am a great believer in mindfulness and see my wife is a product of her childhood. She may hate me but she cannot help herself unless she wants to change which at the momnet she does not. In many ways she is I feel and I may be wrong to some extent an innocent in this too. he never chooce the childhood she had.

I on the otherhand am looking hard at myself, I want to undestand the role I played, I want to forgive her and move on. I want to protect, support and love my shildren so they know they are safe and loved.

I want to break free of the enmenshement which developed over the 21 years we were together.

I want to find peace and happiness and some day in time the love I deserve.

For now I am happy to be alone as I figure out what happened to me in this relationship.

I know this site is primarily for people with BPD but if there are tools or resources here that you could recommend I would appreciate it.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sun Jun 12, 2011 3:27 am 
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I have started reading some of the posts by other memebrs here.

I have to say that you are all incredible courageous. Seeking out support and therapy is something my wife could not do. She would dabble with therapy but never seriously commited to it.

I admire your decision to make changes in you life, to improve things for yourself primarily but also the other poeple in your life.

You should be proud.

I am seeing a therapist myself. Trying to heal the wounds of a 21 year marriage with the woman I considered my soulmate.

I wish you all well


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sun Jun 12, 2011 7:25 am 
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Thanks for the kind words joe. I say you over at bpdfamily (a place I find to be very anti-bpd), and to see you come over here and show us praise is very nice to see. Your wife can get help, but as you mentioned it has to come from her... maybe she will, maybe she won't, but there's nothing we can do to force her. You might want to try recommending her to a site like this so she could have some people to talk to about it, but that's up to you.

In terms of yourself, the tools section on the left hand side of the screen contains helpful tools for any individual to use, not just those with bpd. I'd suggest taking a look at those to start.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 1:45 pm 
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KuroShinsei,

Thank you for your reply.

I'll check out the tools you recomend.

I do not see my wife seeking help at the momment. I will just have to focus on myself and the children. I know there is nothing I can do.

I have let go of my wife and detaching from her as she wishes.

I hope she can live a full and productive life and be the parent I know she hopes to be. I wish her well.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:19 pm 
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Joe
First of all, welcome here :)

Just a question, does your wife know she has bpd?
Maybe you could just direct her here? I mean ultimately the decision to recover is up to her, but you could nudge her in the right direction :) I mean you could just try?

Even though you're a non, you could still work on your issues on this board :)


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 2:26 am 
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Thank you for your kind words.

She is not formerly diagnosed but yes she knows but is in denial. She blames me for everything and has accused me of terrible things. She is quite high functioning most of the time and therfore can get by. Money is not an issue so she is comfortable. She would have to want to change, something I cannot make her do.

I have let go of her emotionally and am now happier than I have been at any time in my life. I do not see a way back ever for us which is sad because we were very good for each other. I wish I had known about BPD years ago.

It is my children that I am most concerned about. Without therapy they are at some risk of being affrected by her behaviour.

I hope some day she find the happiness and love she is looking for. I hope she can at least start to love herself.

I think if you are a pwBPD and you comit to therapy then that in itself sets you apart. The road ahead is not easy and cannot be taken for granted.

I see I still am on a journey of self discovery. I feel free of emotional and verbal abuse and her rage. I am an emotional creature, I love to socialise with others but am comfortable in my own company, I am free to live my life as I choose.

I practice midfulness, enjoy meditation.

Life for me is good. I want my children to know that life is good and that seeing there parent seperate and divorce can be the path to happiness for them too.

I wish you well.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sat Jun 18, 2011 9:34 am 
Hi Joe-

Do you have your children? Is there split custody? Is therapy an option for THEM?


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 1:09 am 
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Yes we have two children.

I think that they are doing ok but have concernes for their longterm welfare.

I see them being exposed to the same sort of thing I was but they are less able to cope.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sun Jun 19, 2011 9:57 am 
Yes, I know you do have children. Is there a split custody arrangement, are you able to spend time with them? Would it be possible to arrange therapy for them when you have them?


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:51 pm 
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Yes there is joint custody.

I have spoken with a child psychologist who recommended observing and monitoring.

I am due to see her again in two months time. So far now there is reduced conflict the critical phase has passed.

I am more concerned about the suptle longterm influence my uBPDw will have.
she tries to be the best parent she can be but she has no role model and is emotionally imature.
Parenting does not come naturally to her.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 7:44 pm 
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joe
is your wife still in denial or has she started therapy of some kind?

coz if she's in therapy, the damage done to your kids will be less...


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 3:48 pm 
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Hi meremortal,

My wife is not in therapy. She is the type to want quick fixes rather than admit she has a problem which might require years in therapy to process.

She has little or no insight into her own role in this (I know that I have played my part and have spent many months in therapy coming to terms with this).

She blames me for everything.

On some level I know she is hurting inside but she has narssisitic traits which prevent her from feeling bad about herself for too long. She is a survivor and a fighter.

I let her go a long time ago despite our 20 years together. She on the other hand will not let go of me.

I am doing all I can. I suspect her mother had BPD too. I would like to break pattern and protect my children from her influence. I do not want my children to become her caretakers. I want them to grow up to be strong and independent, free thinking indeviduals.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2011 7:28 pm 
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understand :)


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 3:47 pm 
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I see so many people with BPD making great progress here and elsewhere. I think it is great that BPD can have a positive image.

People like Tami Greene are great champions for BPDsuffers and show the many positive traits pwBPD can have.

It is very frusrtrating but realise that I have to let go of that and just do what I can to be the best me I can be for my children.

Thank you for your comments.


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 Post subject: Re: My wife is undiagnosed
PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2011 11:22 pm 
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:) thanks for that, Joe :)


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