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 Post subject: New
PostPosted: Thu Jul 07, 2011 11:34 am 
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Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:09 am
Posts: 5
Hello,
I have never posted on any online forum or chat room or anything ever, so this is weird for me. But I'm trying to do things I've never done before, like reach out to people and accept support, because I really do want to recover. I am on the verge of losing my husband and feel a lot of pressure right now to make a difference in my behavior right away.

I was diagnosed with BPD 7 years ago, and have in that time been in and out of therapy, denied the diagnosis, gone off and on meds, and except for my relationship with my husband, have been able to function fairly well, teaching college and writing two books. No one would guess anything was wrong with me. Even my stepsons, whom I helped raise, don't know the extent of it. I take all my anger out on my husband and he has been patient and caring and done everything to help me that he knew to do. My sense of things was that I had improved, was no longer so desperate or suicidal, and that my episodes of anger and dysphoria were shorter, less intense, and less frequent. But my husband tells me that it happens about twice a week and he is always afraid of how I'll respond to any benign situation. He says he can't keep living like this. So I am doing this for him, and because I'm afraid of losing him. I don't think I deserve to feel better, and I also can't really imagine it. I could go on like this forever because it's all I've ever known.

Now, at his urging, I am trying to focus on the illness, accept it, and take it seriously so I can commit to real change. I'm 35 this year and I feel I am the same as always, but now I'm just getting older. I hate to think of living this way, in such fear and self hatred, lonely and damaging everyone I get close to. I don't want to lose my husband, although sometimes it seems like it would be easier to be alone. I don't want to live my whole life this way. If I don't do something to change it, then I will be like this at 40, 50, 60, etc.

At his urging I am focusing on the illness, and as a result I feel worse than I have felt in years. I am full of dread all day long, and more afraid than I've been in a long time. I have The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook, and I'm going to do it even though I don't really believe anything will help, or that I'll be able to stick to it. I know this is all negative self talk, etc., but my awareness is just causing me more pain right now.

I'm hoping I can find something here on this site that will help me stick to it and give me more hope.

Thanks everyone.


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 Post subject: Re: New
PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2011 8:11 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2005 6:00 pm
Posts: 1059
Hi Field, and welcome to the board.

I know how weird it can feel to reach out to total strangers in a virtual world, but I'm glad you found us and I hope you can find some insight and support here.

I had never heard of BPD when I was diagnosed at the age of 50 when I was hospitalized for severe depression. As I learned more about it, I recognized stuff that had been with me since childhood and never resolved. I have never done DBT, mostly because there were no therapists who specialized in it where I lived for a long time, and I already had a trusting relationship with my "regular" therapist. So when things have come up that are BPDish, we tackle them ourselves, and try to figure out what's the root of the problem, what's dysfunctional about my reaction, and what could I do that would be more effective. In addition, I've tried very hard to utilize our "Tools" (in the box on the left), and have found them immensely helpful -- it takes practice to get comfortable with them and in the habit of using them, but definitely worthwhile.

I would suggest that you read some of the threads in the different forums, and check out the Tools, and if you have questions or comments, fire away. It's rough when the outside world sees you as highly functional and successful, but you're miserable inside. It's not a cakewalk to get BPD under control, but is IS doable if you commit to the process, no matter what kind of therapy or other intervention you choose.

_________________
I made some studies, and reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I found it too confining. -- Jane Wagner


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 Post subject: Re: New
PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2011 12:44 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2011 9:09 am
Posts: 5
Thanks, Sari. I appreciate knowing someone's reading this.

Right now I'm trying to think about my emotions and responses in terms of whether or not they are helpful to me. It's helping a little, I think.


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