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 Post subject: just diagnosed and scared of everything
PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2011 12:23 pm 
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Hello, just as a short background, I moved out of my undiagnosed BPD mother's house at 17 (I turn 19 tomorrow) because I was tired of the abuse. I was made aware of BPD by the therapist I began seeing after I moved out. I did a ton of research on it and therefore was very aware of the symptoms and the chances of me developing it. Well, as of Wednesday, i have BPD. I used to go on BPDfamily a lot and I posted about my diagnoses and they recommended here. So, here I am. I'm struggling because of how everyone sees BPD. My stepmother now uses it as a way to describe anyone she doesn't like. The bottom line is, I know I can be hurtful to people, I know my mother did awful things to me and it's not an uncommon thing for parents with BPD. I also sympathize absolutely. I see the connection of what my mother must have felt when she did what she did to me, and how I don't think she meant any of it. Then I ask myself if i'm the same way and just as blind. Am I hurting people and have no clue that I'm inflicting that damage. I've struggled with self injury for years, but it was always to quiet the world, or the battle of emotions always in my head. Never because I couldn't stand being me. Since the confirmation of BPD for me I feel like I can't trust myself. Like I don't deserve to be trusted. Like I really am a ticking time bomb. I've already started DBT things that I found on here. When things trigger me or make me angry I take time to figure it out, figure out how my thinking is being twisted and what the reality of the situation may actually be. I'm just so scared right now. I feel so alone. I just went through a breakup with my on and off boyfriend of three years, but this time there's no going back. I know there's the issue of identity and I feel like I've gone from being his girlfriend to being BPD. I've gotten good at correcting those thoughts when I catch myself. Instead of thinking "oh I do this because I'm borderline" I can manage" This is a symptom of the borderline but I as an individual can change it". I just feel so alone.


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 Post subject: Re: just diagnosed and scared of everything
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:51 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey
many, many hugs to you.
Just to let you know that you are NOT alone. There are plenty of us here who suffer with bpd...

It does sound to me like you are in the process of working on your recovery, so that's a very good sign. Keep it up, keep working at it.
You can use the boards here to get some feedback even as you are working on you recovery...


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 Post subject: Re: just diagnosed and scared of everything
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2011 11:04 am 
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Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2011 5:04 pm
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You would not even be here if you were completely unaware. This is a really good step in the right direction.


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 Post subject: Re: just diagnosed and scared of everything
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:08 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2011 5:22 pm
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Hi and welcome,

I am a 63 year old woman who has had feeling like you for decades. It has only been in the last year that I realized I have BPD. You can imagine all these years with no identity, no self-esteem, worthlessness, etc. Recently, I have also discovered the triggers to some of my behaviors. Now, I am battling how I misread people and trust people who seem "nice" like the "nice" face I had put on for people to seem normal. I realize that my response to nice people is completely faulty and a part of my BPD thinking (or lack thereof!). I, too, am feeling that I can't trust myself and that is a terrifying feeling. If I can't trust how I read people, how do I navigate the world around me with such misinformation? I have found that I respond to "nice" people with more trust than they deserve, because they, like me, are also covering up their real selves with niceness in order to seem normal, even if they don't have BPD. So many people fake it through life to "seem" like good people. It is extremely difficult for borderlines to assess others and form healthy relationships. Right now, I am afraid to talk to just about anybody, because I don't trust my reading of who they are. Therefore, I can't trust myself, therefore, who can trust me? It is a vicious cycle, but I do think it can be stopped. Fear of change can go away with the more knowledge you have about BPD and which aspects reflect your life. Try to find the trigger points and then set up a way to break from your original thoughts. The more you know about BPD and admit to yourself, recognize when you're doing it or have already done it, then try to come up with something to break into it, the more you will be able to control it. It sure does help if you have someone who can let you know when you are acting out and can kindly remind you to find a new direction.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Also, read on this forum and find people who seem to be a good fit for you and follow their lead in some areas. Unfortunately, BPD comes with much grief, sense of failure, and an impossible sense of getting better. But, after just two years, I am finding I can take some control over my behavior. Just last night I acted out and decided to make up a treatment list for "seizures," because that doesn't sound as daunting or mental as BPD. So, if I get angry, frustrated, sarcastic, depressed, aloof, etc., I write these down as symptoms of my "seizures." Then, I have asked my husband, when he sees one of these symptoms before I do, to wrap his arms around me tightly (safety and love) and tell me gently that I am in borderland and to please come out and into his loving arms. When I do come out, even my voice changes. It's like I'm two different people when I enter borderland and when I'm not there. Lately, I have not been there very often, compared to when I was there all the time. I still get disgusted and forlorn when I find that I have slipped back into my old familiar territory. You can do this if you are really sick of being BPD and living your life that way. You are still young and have possibilities ahead of you. I have lost 4 grown children who just don't want to deal with my past behaviors any more and have become more like polite strangers (though not always even polite!). Just get really familiar with all the aspects of BPD, keep a list of which symptoms you have, and try to find a way to break them up. Ask for help on particular troublesome areas. We are all here to help each other. Don't be too afraid, because coming out of BPD is the most wonderful freedom and lightness of spirit. Keep on going a step at a time.

Cynwyd


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 Post subject: Re: just diagnosed and scared of everything
PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:37 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2011 3:17 pm
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i am brand new to bpd too, and i relate to much of your post both personally and with the mom thing, except i didn't know we were both bpd until now! blessings to us all in our journey, thesea


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