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 Post subject: Please help I want to give up the fight :(
PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:46 am 
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Im so angry with myself that I haven't even got the guts to end it all. Im so consumed with guilt for my son at even contemplating taking my life. Im so angry for being (almost) strong and well for 6 years (my son was then 2) since my sons dad left that i met somebody else just 6 months ago that i am now totally in love with and has left me. i havent been able to work today because my head hurts too much and my eyes are so swollen and puffy from endless crying. im sick of fighting and 'trying' to be happy when the glimpse at happiness i had has now been totally destroyed so quickly. I cant seem to focus or function or even begin to ravel any of the feelings in my confused head. i want to sleep so much to get away from my head. i cant enjoy my son because i cant seem to motivate my body to function i just want to sleep sleep sleep. i feel completely despairing and want to free everyone of the burden that is me. i miss him so much it is unbearable. i drink what i can afford (a bottle of wine if im lucky) to numb the pain and to release more tears. im so angry that when i have ended it before he has always wanted to talk and i have allowed him back into my heart. friday i had a beautiful bunch of flowers and a chance at repairing our relationship. sunday he made the decision to leave for good. he used to hold me to sleep in his arms. he has since told me he still loves me but cant see a way forward as we have too many disagreements at which point i tell him everyone has disagreements but then my texts turn to anger and i tell him i hate him. i constantly think of how to end it all as i cant move forward without him. i just feel so alone. i want to text him now to tell him i love him so much, but when he doesnt respond i want to tell him i hate him. i want him to feel the hurt i feel inside. so much to say yet i dont want to accept it is over. i cant eat properly, i feel as though i dont give a damn about my life anymore. i hate who i am i just want to turn back the clock to holding him again...


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 Post subject: Re: Please help I want to give up the fight :(
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 1:45 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
Posts: 1007
hey zepster
many, many hugs to you.

it sounds like you're depressed to me.
Are you currently seeing any therapist / psychiatrist / psychologist?

It also sounds to me like you have borderline, from your statement - where you swing between "I love him" and "I hate him" - that's typical borderline black / white thinking...

Hang in there, please, please go get some help for yourself.


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 Post subject: Re: Please help I want to give up the fight :(
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 5:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:26 am
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Hi, thank you for your reply. Well, Im still here thanks to a great mate who supported me through the shit time(s). I still think of him so much it hurts so much inside :( I have sought help for a long time. I have been to anger management groups, mindfulness, stress related groups, assertiveness courses, therapists etc etc etc. I feel like i am going round in circles all the time and not getting anywhere. I am currently on 225 Efexor venlalic tabs but dont feel that they work for me (but then my drinking at the moment probably compromises that too) I am aware of a superb BPD group in Western Super Mare but there is nothing of that sort here. Doctors also just think i am depressed even though I have (through persistance) been diagnosed with BPD. It just seems to ruin my life in every direction. The constant sadness, emptiness that is despairing, even my son is suffering from my sadness now and I love him to pieces and wanted to prevent him from seeing my sadness. Just cant seem to 'fix' it. I have fight in me...I just feel so desolate so much of the time. I work part time and am currently studying to be a Teaching Assistant. I try so hard to sort myself out but the anxiety and lack of self identity always gets in the way and my moods are constantly changing its hard to hold these things down. I have such low self esteem and put on a mask with so many people - adapting to them - trying to be liked. Only a few people really know me for what or who i really am whatever that may be because i for sure dont know. just really dont know where to turn for help anymore. My life is getting by from hour to hour, day to day with almost so little hope. Thank you for your response, it means so much to me x


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 Post subject: Re: Please help I want to give up the fight :(
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2011 6:15 pm 
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Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:01 am
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You say your moods are constantly changing. Mine was like that too, and my psychiatrist put me on mood stabilizer, which has helped stabilize my mood tremendously.

Find help dear, look for a suitable therapist until you find one who can help you. Be persistent and keep looking.

As for the emptiness, you could do stuff that you enjoy. It doesn't totally take away the emptiness feelings but it helps alleviate the emptiness.


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 Post subject: Re: Please help I want to give up the fight :(
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 10:08 am 
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Joined: Fri Jul 01, 2011 11:38 am
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Hi Zepster, I haven't posted my own introduction yet, but your postings compelled me to comment.

I echo what meremortal said about getting on to mood stabilizers. They helped me a great deal, and I'm on Effexor too. It's been a good combination for me.

I hope you've been able to heal a bit and are feeling better after your last post. Do keep us updated.


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 Post subject: Re: Please help I want to give up the fight :(
PostPosted: Thu Jul 14, 2011 11:10 am 
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Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2011 5:22 pm
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Hi friend,

Yes, meds can help with side effects of BPD such as depression, mood swings, self hate, emptiness, etc. But, the more you learn about BPD, the more you can look for it in your life and try to make lists to combat the trigger points, which are important to figure out. Feeling alone is a killer. You have your son who needs you, so please don't think of ending your life, because it will end his as well. Use this forum to vent, try to figure out your triggers, find "antidotes," and love your son. The flip flop of black and white thinking keeps you off balance, as it does me. Try to look for middle grounds. Try to think of this as a physical rather than mental illness and allow yourself to treat yourself with "medicines" that may be just to take some deep breaths, wait until you respond to someone, or find ways to see the beginning of a disaster coming and have a list of things to stop them. There is never a reason to leave a child with a parent who took her own life. He will never be the same, so don't even go there. Share with us and allow yourself to be completely honest and hear what others have to say or how they have combatted BPD. I was where you were and thought I'd never make it alive I was so depressed and disgusted with myself. But, amazingly, it has been over two years since I self-destructed and destroyed my family. I never thought I'd live through it. Two years later, I love my husband more than ever and am at least talking to our four grown kids, though never since at the level of love, closeness, and fondness that I had before. I grieve for the loss of our kids every day. But, even this has gotten better over time. Hold onto your son (not cling, though) as the beacon to lead you to better health.

Take care,
Cynwyd


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